Mr Hankey’s just rewards…

sphankI’ve got big news!  After helping so many others, Mr. Hankey’s time for fame is here!  I’ll tell you the details in a moment. But first I just gotta say that we’re all SO proud of him!

I admit, I was one of his  many friends who was against it when Mr. Hankey just decided to do that “brown” movie” out of the blue. I told him, “Hankey – This isn’t  going to be like a Southpark episode, ya know. THIS is a totally different ballgame.  You’re going to be doing a hole lot more  than floating in and out of toilet bowls and popping out to say HiDEE HOOOO boys and girls! Merry Christmas! every 5 minutes.”  ” I mean, sure the movie script I read looks kinda cute, corn-y in it’s own way, but they might just treat you like you’re a piece of shit and take advantage of your innocent nature!” “Did you ever stop to think about that?”  Well Hankey just gave me a sweet chocolate smile and told me not to be so anal,  he’d be just fine – so I shut up. And it turns out he knew what he was doing.

So anyway, on to the news!

“Mr. Hankey makes Booty calls” was such an overnight sensation at the Kitty Kat theatre last  month that a national publishing house (Sorry, I can’t mention the name but it’s a big one!) caught the scent of Mr. Hankey’s rising star, interviewed him, and immediately signed him for a 5 year contract co-writing ‘advice and commentaries for men” in the field of relationships and dating in the millenium. They want him to co-write a couple of books with another writer, THEN they want him to write 3 of his own!  Seems there’s a market for men out there who can’t seem to hook up with any quality ladies.  We all know how hard it is to be single these days, but if anyone can help with advice for the lovelorn – it’s Mr. Hankey with his compassionate heart.  He’d been gone for weeks before I heard anything from him.  I knew he was working around the clock  – co- writing, doing some filming, and posing for those Hollywood glam shots, and whatever else they had him doing.  But  I didn’t realize he’d be able to accomplish SO much in such a short period of time.  Then late last night, I got an email from  him telling me UPS would be dropping off a package for  me tomorrow.  He said I’d be very impressed with what it contained. Well, the package arrived at noon and I couldn’t wait to tear into it! 

Well, it turns out not only has he been a busy little turd writing his advice for the lovelorn, but his work is absolutely brilliant! After you see the prototypes for some of his work,  I know you’ll agree with me that Mr. Hankey is blessed with great talent.  And throw in his natural love and compassion for his fellow-man and those lonely hearts will all be announcing their engagements to a nice girl in no time at all.  Mr. Hankey is a saint! 

Anyway, first things first. This is a copy of the an advertisement for the book he’s co-writing “How to pick up Chicks”.  It’s that “how-to” piece on successful love relationships for lonely men. It’s the one I was telling you about earlier.  It comes out in January 2010 and I’m going to get the very first copy!

See? Look how they’ve linked back to his booty  movie – those book agents are so smart! And by the title of the advertisement it looks like women just adore Mr. Hankey…

Now this is a copy of the cover of the actual book “How to pick up Chicks”…

See the publicity link to his movie again?  (It’s 4th down on “Related Blogs”.)  This is so exciting!!

But I saved the best for last.  Here goes..

You all know that popular skin magazine Hustler? 

 Here’s a copy to refresh your memory, if you’ve forgotten.

 

Well there’s a NEW magazine coming out this Christmas, and it’s also put out by Hustler.  However, it caters to a slightly more “exotic” crowd. AND –

And they’ve asked Mr. Hankey to be the very first cover story and cover model for their first issue!  It’s a big big honor –  just like being asked to pose for Playboy!

 Doesn’t he photograph well? 

HIDEE HO! Mr. Hankey’s making history and we’re all here to see it!

hankexpl

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Mr. Hankey helps Carrot Top make his comeback!

Ya know, the more I get to know Mr. Hankey the more I realize what a selfless philanthropist he is. It seems like every time I open a newspaper, turn on the TV, or surf the ‘net – there he is again! Coming to the aid of all those “sub” celebrities who never quite made the cut in Hollywood.

 

Take Carrot Top for instance. Although I’m sure he put his heart and soul into it, his dramatic portrayal of the annoying spokesperson in last decade’s flop “1-800-CALL-ATT” didn’t really “connect” with the viewing public did it? In fact instead of helping his star rise to the longed-for heights of Lifetime Television glory, he only succeeded in irritating the shit out of us – that, and becoming the next contract hit to be ordered by bored Mob bosses with time on their hands (there’s only so many enemies to whack before your list grows short, waddya gonna do?)

So next Carrot Top decides to adopt a more “stream-lined” look – which didn’t turn out so well either, I’m afraid.

Poor Carrot Top, who apparently admired both Michael Jackson AND Gary Glitter, went a bit overboard when he decided to combine BOTH their looks into one. (Even though in this picture CT looks like he’s a bleached and thin Oprah accepting an Emmy, compare all 3 photos and you’ll get the gist of what I mean. Check it out:

So now we have surgery FAIL. Even Metro PCS doesn’t want Carrot Top as a spokesperson for their phone services – not even when he bulked up those muscles until they were “prison-yard” regulation size.

So now Carrot Top’s broke, weirder-looking than ever, and scares more children into staying indoors than “having their salad tossed” by a convict scares them into learning to read. Well, Carrot Top,  Guess the only way out is suicide or being a regular on Dancing with the Stars…..But Wait!

Along comes Mr. Hankey, who feels nothing but compassion when he learns of Carrot Top’s plight!

HIDEE HO CARROT TOP! I’VE GOT A PLAN….

And he did! Mr. Hankey met with and coached Carrot Top for 6 whole months. They went over his plans and dreams and all his hopes for the future. Then they went over Carrot Top’s actual reality for another 6 months, and Mr. Hankey made his suggestions. There was some more surgery involved and THIS time Mr. Hankey made sure the surgery was done right!

BEFORE AFTER

Although Carrot Top was reluctant to try it Mr. Hankey’s way, he’s sure glad he did now! Well, hell! I’ll shut up now so you can see for yourself:

 

Thanks to Mr. Hankey, Carrot Top is finally in pictures!

Yep that’s right! Carrot Top is the poster model on the 2010 Calendar for the National Work Training Center for Retarded persons! And there’s more!

Carrot Top also has a singing career – again, thanks to Mr. Hankey!

Doesn’t he look happy?

Congratulations Carrot Top!  See you in March and I’ll look for you this Christmas in Wal-Mart bargain bin!

Thanks Mr. Hankey, you rock!

 

 

HIDEE HOOOOOO! Boys and Girls….

Mr. Hankey Makes Improvements!

 

Some celebrities are SO annoying. Luckily, Mr. Hankey has agreed to once again aid me in my latest attempt in a campaign of smear as only The “Hank” knows how to do.  So,

ANNOYING CELEBRITIES, TAKE UP YOUR BEDS AND WALK. YOU ARE NOW HEALED! OF YOUR ANNOYINGNESS – THANKS TO “PASTOR” HANKEY…

 
CELEBITCHY NUMBER 1: JESSICACA SIMPSON
 
I like down to earth people. I can’t stand self-absorbed assholes who act like they’re doing people a favor by farting in their vicinity. True I’ve never met Jess, nor do I know anyone who has. But I’ve read the Enquirer stories – I know what bitchiness this celeb is capable of. Besides, she annoys ME. And in the long run, this being my blog and all, that’s all that matters. Mr. Hankey..DO YOUR MAGIC..
  
BEFORE:                                                                                                                                                                                
 
 
 
This picture makes me want to smash those phoney teeth in!
This picture makes me want to smash those phoney teeth in!

             AFTER:                                             

Ah...that's better.  Now the world will know her poop stinks as bad as ...Well, she's number 1 in that department! Give her an EMMY... Ah…that’s better. Now the world will know her poop stinks as bad as …Well, she’s number 1 in that department! Give her an EMMY…

                                                                               

LIFETIME TELEVISION REJECT #2:  DR. PHIL US FULL OF SHIT EVERY DAY AT 4

I’m normally rather tolerant of God’s “special” people – unless one of them shows up every afternoon to tell everyone ELSE what’s wrong with THEM.  He must not have a mirror AND he talks like Mr. Macky, the balloon-headed cartooncounselor on South Park.  Mmmmm K?  Mr. Hankey….go to town!

BEFORE:

The Potbelly calling the kettle black....

The Potbelly calling the kettle black....

 

 
 
 
Now we can all have an autographed picture of this piece of shit...

Now we can all have an autographed picture of this piece of shit...

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 AFTER:
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
CELEBRITY MOST LIKELY TO BE MISTAKEN FOR AN UGLIER JACKIE GLEASON #3:  JOE C. O’DONNELL
  
I have no problem with someone being gay.  Except Rosie’s not exactly the team’s poster child of persuasion in this picture, is she?  She doesn’t make “being gay” even look pleasant; let alone happy!  There’s something about her in this photo that reminds me of a male bull dog on the rag.  Maybe it’s the fact that she tries to convince the world she’s a dude but she’s passive-agressively bitchy, just like a woman. Mr. Hankey – Can you help her turn that frown upside down?
  
BEFORE:
BITCHY and MANLY? What a conundrum that must be...

BITCHY and MANLY? What a conundrum that must be...

 
 
 
 
 
 
She look's a lot more feminine now..

Mr. Hankey managed to make EVEN Rosie look soft and feminine!

 
 

 

  
 
 

 

 AFTER:

 

 

 

Goodnite Boys and Girls!  

 

 hankeyfloater