Some alternatives to Twitter…

I’m on Twitter and it’s kinda fun.  It’s a unique social venue –  and it IS cool the times i’m surprised by someone’s written reply to a “random inside voice” comment  I barely remember thinking – let alone remember updating my status with.  And the way the website is arranged, I always feel like I’m hundreds of feet above land when I access it. But these novelties aside, I think the Twitter idea could be improved upon.

1. The Twitter general population has grown to such a mass that it often shuts down from communication overload.

2. My “followers” list goes up and down daily.  Before I found out that Twitter will remove spammers from your list automatically, I thought that one by one the people on my list had clicked on my Herpes posts and had abandoned me – disgusted by what they read. (That also led me to believe that most of my followers must have their own personal STD to get so riled over a humor post.)

 

So my solution is simple. Since there are so many people on Twitter and they come from so many different backgrounds – it would be a good idea to create some spin-offs to Twitter. And each spin-off would cater to a select group of people and their lifestyles.

Here are two prototypes for your consideration: (don’t forget to click on the picture for a much bigger view:)

For the people who like to play with doody, and for those who can’t stop leaving logs in their pants there’s Shitter.com.

twitform1    

And for the STD crowd with their many different personalities, likes and afflictions, its all good.  We just band them together, come one itch come all, and give them a hopping good time with their own site – Critter.com.

critterAA

See now we solve two problems.  The followers can pick scads of people to follow based on their interests and tastes, and Twitter won’t crash with an overload the next time Michael Jackson dies…

Say it with STD (cards and letters)

 I saw a link online the other day for STD e-cards and I thought what a great idea! Unfortunately, I didn’t think of it first, so here’s my poorman’s attempt at some Smile, you have an STD notifications of my own.  This first one is a casual “had fun, just thought i’d tell in- a- rhyme” style note:

 

Kind of cheerful right down to the cartoon crabbies, don’t you think?

This next one is an ode to an old fashioned favorite (and disppearing art from) – the “love letter, dump letter, confession letter etc – handwritten on pre-printed stationary:

Anyone want to go into business with me? I think these might take off – according to my Stats, there’s more Herpified Humans out there  than ever!

Winning SCRATCHER in the humor post lotto…

 

what determines the amount of blog traffic you get each day?

bug1 

  

I was reading a discussion thread today where the topic asked the question, “How many clicks per day do you get to your blog?” – or something to that effect. 

I entered the discussion and proudly announced that one random day (JULY 3, 2009 between the hours of 1 am – 10pm The topic was clowns with herpes and the rodents that love them) I got 140 clicks in 24 hours!  I was quickly humbled to discover there are quite a few bloggers who blog among us who consider their readership to have “dropped off” if they get a “mere” 500 clicks that day. 500 CLICKS a DAY?  I’M IN! What’s their secret? ( All I can say is, I’m gonna sit by THEM in study hall and copy THEIR homework…)

But anyway, this got me to thinking about the subjects that have pulled readers to my blog – and interestingly enough, I was actually in the middle of writing a post about that very subject when I happened upon the discussion thread today.   I won’t be long and windy as I only have a few photoshopped pictures to distract you with this time,  I don’t think any of them are big enough train wrecks to hypnotize you into forgetting that I tend to babble. 

On  a side note: obviously I chose the humor field  to blog in – or should I say the humor field chose me from the time I was old enough to figure out how much fun it was to shit my underoos and blame the smell on my Dad (last year was the first time it didn’t work by the way) – so  I’ve never carefully followed “the rules of successful blogging”, except for #2 which I do anyway: 

1. First, and foremost – whatever your blogging “venue” is, know your audience.

2. Write like you’re talking to one person “personally”.

3. Know what your audience is interested in.

I’m sure there are more but those are the three “golden rules” that I have seen reiterated time and again.

And the reason I didn’t follow those rules is because I decided early on to write humor based on what makes ME laugh, and I’m not a lightweight when it comes to what I find funny. I’m kinda sick in the head if you haven’t noticed yet.  Plus, I have known for years how subjective humor is – so when one chooses to put it  “out there” they better be comfortable knowing that the majority of people “out there” reading humor blogs  aren’t THAT “out there” when it comes to what they find humorous.  But  I wasn’t worried –  I knew from years of just living the day-to-day that my “bizarreness” would drag at least a few people down in the gutter with me – so I knew I’d be in some good company.   So I just wrote about what I thought was funny. 

So no more digression.  In the interest of keeping this short(er, than normal anyway) here are my photoshopped visuals so you can witness what has brought the readers, thusly so far, to MY humble blog:  

  (These  photoshopped “visual aids” are copied from my WordPress.com blog’s stats arena. Don’t worry the Bugs have been worked out ….)

  VISUAL 1:  This is a copy of yesterday’s stats.

bus23

 

 Note the post in top position is ” STD Mania Dating is Spreading Like Wildfire!”  Now look at the next picture – Visual 2:

  

buggystat21

 

 

I believe I wrote this post at the end of July or around August 1, at the very latest.  For all intents and purposes, this post is more than a bit long in the tooth for a humor post. It doesn’t perform a public service, nor does it provide any new scientific information that would benefit the world.  In fact it BAGS on STDS and People with STDS.  And yet…it continues to get the most clicks of any of my posts –  with my other STD “slams” coming in, although not as close,  behind it.  WHY is this? 

 VISUAL 3:

clicks1

By the “search terms” people are using that direct them to my posts – it would appear that a lot of them are either individuals who “caught a bug” at some point in their lives and wish to do their own research on their affliction, or they’re of a subculture that finds venereal diseases “rather erotic”.  And it seems that some of them are addicted to Facebook’s Farmtown.

Maybe it’s not always a good thing to know what your audience is looking for…

Jealous Writer Deletes My Article from Gold Bamboo.com Magazine

NOTE: It occurred to me as some people are STILL reading this post that I naturally assumed that everyone seeing this knows what the HELL this post is based on.  Here’s a short up to date:

I wrote a joke post – “Herpes Hotties” – a few weeks before this one.  It was a satire on STD dating sites that are springing up EVERYWHERE on the internet. I totally SPOOFED on it.  A week after that post was written, I noticed that a couple of “spammers” who advertised Silver Colloidal Cream had “picked up” (or webcrawled automatically etc) my post on Herpes Hotties and ADDED it to their spam website under “Other Related Blogs” to the serious medical condition of HERPES.  I couldn’t resist writing follow up posts.  THIS post is based on ANOTHER spam publication that added it one day, MUST have seen what they had done, and REMOVED it the next day so as not to get fired or whatever from their job.

 

 

 

 The latest prestigious publication eager to link my work to their name

Deleted from THIS worldly acclaimed publication! THE NERVE of them!

 

 

Today as I went to update  readers on yet more homage I’d been paid for in my work on Herpes Hotties, I noticed a  horrible scandal had occurred!  My fine research piece had been DELETED from the newest medical publication to solicit my often-misunderstood findings on this under-rated STD.   All I can say is he must have been a REALLY SORE LOSER indeed, to stoop to the lowest of levels.  I think I’ll hunt down a public profile picture of this scoundral, edit it, and send it all over the internet.  Thus he will forever be known as the ”  boobs on a hairy naked man wearing rainbow socks!! ” guy.

But first I had to get my article re-published on Gold Bamboo.com:

It was simple:

I just copied a list of REAL herpes resource centers and publications.

Then manually added myself to their list – under TWO different listings.

 

OBSERVE…

 

Where can I get more information?

National Herpes Resource Center and Hotline
American Social Health Association
P.O. Box 13827
Research Triangle Park, NC 27709-9940
919-361-8488 (9 a.m. to 7 p.m. Eastern Time, Monday through Friday)
http://www.ashastd.org/hrc/index.html

National STD and AIDS Hotline
1-800-227-8922 or 1-800-342-2437 (24 hours a day, 7 days a week)

National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases
31 Center Drive, MSC 2520
Bethesda, MD 20892-2520
http://www.niaid.nih.gov

SORE High with Herpes – Institute for the Spreading of Happiness and Other Gooey Stuff
5451 Itchcrotch River Road
Sacramento Ca 95441
1-800-338-7659

http://pustularlesions.gov

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention
1600 Clifton Road
Atlanta, GA 30333
1-888-232-3228
http://www.cdc.gov

 

Resources

http://www.goldbamboo.com/
http://www.goldbamboo.com/

 

 

 

 

Now all I have to do is re-post this to my blog and wait for Google to find it and re-run it…  Problem solved!  (Damn I’m smart!)