Get Out of My Face!book – Chapter 1

I swear they're mocking me....

I swear they're mocking me....

See "friend" upper right corner? We used to light his pubes on fire every gym class

See my "friend" - upper right corner? We used to light his pubes on fire every Friday after gym class

2 many pretty icons!


It seems like everyone who’s still breathing is on Facebook these days.  I even joined myself a couple of weeks ago, just to see what all the fuss was about.  It’s ability to connect you with uber-speed to those you heard had died  5 years before but hadn’t, is intriguing, that’s for sure.  But I’ve also been finding out that being a member of  Facebook isn’t just a sign-up and forget it affair.  You can’t just waltz in, goose a few old buddies, exchange mental spit and waltz out again saying, See ya when I see ya! Oh no. You’re expected to make a commitment and spend lots of time there. And it’s a lot of work to stay in the good graces of everyone on your friends list.
Within moments of your first log in click, it seems that every person you’ve ever worked with or gone to school with  finds you, and requests a friend connect.   And then people on their friendslists will contact you with a request because now you have the first person in common.  Then another from that person’s  list who wants to know you because you know Bobby’s cousins third wife’s sisters dog asks to be your friend, and so on. And this isn’t even including the people you’re searching to connect with. Every time you log in it can go on like that for hours, and it gets to where your’e multi-connecting so fast with so many you  feel like an ungrateful piece of shit if you even think to log off before midnight – who needs sleep anyway, right?  But it gets even worse…
Facebook contains an endless database of specialized cutsie applications for every season, holiday, day of the week,  mood, animal, emotion, addiction and bodily function you can think of .  Oh but it’s all part of the fun! Yes, and every member on your list seems to send out and expect back countless different cutsies daily, and you are expected to follow suit.   Upon any log in, you’ll usually find your in box  is again full to overflowing with smiles, hugs, booty rubs, penis tugs, cute pets, hearts etc that you’ve been sent and whose senders appear to be waiting for your exchange gift with bated breath – that’s what Facebook would have you believe anyway.
The time and effort that goes into accepting and returning even one cutsie to the person who initiated it is mind-boggling.  It’s not just a simple matter of clicking on it one time to accept and once again to return the kindness.  This would be way too convenient – not to mention time-efficient.   It’s way more involved than that.  
For example, say you start with the first cutsie exchange request sent at 3 this morning.  When you click to accept ” the sparkly and gay flowerbaby teletubby” that Gena sent to brighten your day, a box suddenly pops up on the screen preventing immediate reciprocal- flowerbaby send off back to Gena.  The box wants you to stop and choose 15 friends and brighten their days like Gena brightened yours –  by sending each of them a flowerbaby teletubby. But there’s a catch  – the box wants you to be original and choose a different flowerbaby teletubby to send your 15 friends AND Gena.
OK fine.  So now you’re held up wasting more time as you try to choose a different flowerbaby teletubby as fast as you can without appearing as though no thought at all had gone into the gesture.  Looking at the other choices, you notice the only ones you deem passable have been LOCKED (whatever that means) and now you”e left deciding between the retarded looking flowerbaby with one wing named “goofy SPECIAL flowerbaby teletubby” and a deranged-looking happy face flowerbaby teletubby that doesn’t have a name but probably doesen’t need one as it’s homicidal expression pretty much says it all.    
So you pick the goofy special flowerbaby teletubby and hope that Gena doesn’t think you’re implying she’s a retard.  Hit Send and now the box pops up and reminds you to pick those 15 lucky friends that will get one too! Now that you’re stuck calling 16 people retards you may as well finish the job or you’ll never get out of this application if you don’t. Click. Another box pops up to tell you, OH NO! you don’t have enough Facebux to purchase all these retarded bugs BUT you’re in luck.  Facebook has Pay pal and for just $2 you can purchase them the old fashioned way!
Screw that, right?  Click Skip to exit this pain in the ass application – you have 1000 others to answer in your In-box.  But before you can leave, another box pops up to let you know that everyone will know what a loser you are if you leave without returning the gift gesture…  Because I’m as broke on Facebook as I am in life, this happens to me all the time. 
So how I handle it is to leave a Wall Post for all the people on my list and everyone on theirs, to let them know why they haven’t received anything from me  in return.  So they don’t think I’m a loser or a Scrooge.
I post something like, “Thanks so much for the gift of your (smiley, fluffy hug, small penis, lewid wink elf,  etc.)  I did attempt to return your gesture immediately but Facebook says I don’t have enough Facebux and I can’t afford the $2 to buy them for real.  For those of you who still don’t appreciate the dilemma this has put me in, please be aware I’m about ready to start my favorite time of the month, and if I get even one snide comment or complaint  from any of you I will be sending out Gonna Kick your Fuckin’ Ass this Monday smilies, and I’ll be showing up in person to deliver the goods.”
So far, eveyone seems to be really understanding about the predicament I’m in.