MERRY CHRISTMAS from Fluff Elf….

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Del Paso…. Heights? You said we was moving to Del Paso TEXAS!…

 DISCLAIMER: Our new place isn’t as bad as you’re going to read below – im just stretching the facts for a tall tale is all – and i kinda like my own wit! So although drive by’s happen from time to time on this street; and YES the police DO get called out here often and the HELIOCOPTERS do fly over here nightly- it’s NOT as bad as i’m portraying it in this post – there is NO hooker hotel and NO “shooting gallery” next door (that i know of anyway) and when people pass out in front of my driveway…i just run over them – (since the cops don’t stop here that much I figure i have about a 50/50 chance of getting in trouble….)

Some of you know weflufinchair had to move because of our Fluffy.  I suddenly realized I hadn’t really gone into DETAIL about my new place, my neighborhood and the surrounding area. Just pretend for a moment I’m writing a REAL real estate rental ad. (Don’t worry, if it were really THIS bad, i wouldn’t be living here…).  

  

 

FOR RENT!

Cozy duplex  located in the Del Paso Heights neighborhood of Sacramento, Ca. Del Paso Heights is a ‘working class’ neighborhood with a high demand for rental housing. The property is located on a moderately quiet street with a large park, grocery and other amenities within walking distance. 

Please allow me, the renter, to add a few more details… 

 

ourcribA About the property

This duplex  is located right smack dab in the middle of Del Paso Heights – an infamous suburb of  Sacramento, Ca.  The duplex is too small for more than one couch, yet affords ample access should your neighborhood home invader choose to engage in a  “spur of the moment home invasion” – so convenient for last-minute gift ideas!

 This building was constructed during the  1940’s, during that era of “we trust in our government” – when whacking your neighbor and burying the body under your own porch was still a future endeavor by a yet-unborn John Wayne Gacey. 

Meet your neighbors and check out the neighborhood!  

The dwelling is situated at such an angle as to have a 24 hour unobstructed view of the neighboring house – and it’s activities.   One won’t have to spend much time at all before guessing that the aforementioned structure serves as a hooker motel by day – with quite an extensive patronage. The client base is large enough that resident parking becomes scarce at an alarming rate by  by 11 a.m. each day.   Those clients possessing vehicles seem to have been given a special “group rate” discount for “massage” services –  as they all seem to arrive at the exact same time – parking their cars, motorcycles and sometimes bicycles in front of the duplex’s driveway ..for hours.  And the festivities next door only grow more festive once darkness  hits  –  when the hooker hotel is magically  transformed into a “shooting gallery”, catering to another type of customer – that of the corner drug dealer – who is also the day time pimp, by the way.  Although this clientale appears to have lost the ability to drive a while back, strangely enough they’ve retained the skill of parallel parking – and do so bodily as they manage to pass out at just the right angle to block the driveway for the rest of the night.   

Adjacent to this duplex is a large, deceptively peaceful-looking apartment complex that’s home to a multitude of colorful  “border brothers”.  The unforgettable  drive- by hootanannies  (complete with loud threats,  cursing in spanish – and all to the tune of happy mariachi music being played on CD in the background)  commence nightly and without fail  between the hours of 8 -10, Monday through Saturday (with Sundays off for Mass).   

Economic demographics

The street itself  is one of a few located in this “working class neighborhood” – named this for several reasons: 

1. Residents living on this street are always “working” to dodge stray bullets that fly without warning at their heads, sometimes “just for no reason at all – boredom maybe…” (quoting one resident gang member) 

2. After about a month of  living here, most residents suddenly find a renewed interest in working  –  and therefore get two, sometimes three jobs which keep them busy and out of the house for most of the year. 

3. Since technically drug dealers are generating an “income” of sorts by selling crack and prostituting their mammas at night   – right  after she makes cooks them a meal and washes the dishes of course – it stands to reason they be counted in with the “working” class”.   Although the finances gained are sometimes at the expense and safety of others, it’s been determined to be legal ever since the government set this very precendent into motion years before.  

The Environment

The street IS moderately quiet…once the gunfire has stopped,  and the bodies have been photographed, tagged, bagged and hauled away.  As policemen rope off the last of the crime scene, and the crowds fall away a moment of quiet settles over the HOOD.   As the tired public servants sullenly head back to their black and whites to make the drive back to Dunkin Donuts, they hold out  no hope of finding that their maple bars and coffee will still be on their abandoned table when they return. 

Security

Yes!  The police station is only a half a block away, and the squad cars can be spotted cruising up and down this very street many times during the day – but the occupants won’t be stopping by for a personal visit again anytime soon – at least not until the next media-driven local crime wave forces their appearance at the scene.   

Our beautiful park! 

The street is located next to a large golf course/park where the muggings and rapes – anal and regular – start without delay at 3 pm on the nose every day, rain or shine.  At 3 pm the instigators have already been out of their coma for an hour and have shot up a couple of lines of puta.  They’re hopping, hopped up, and raring to go !   

Convenient shopping!

The local convenience/grocery store down the street is unique in which a trip there often results in one being robbed two times for the price of one!  The first assault occurs upon ENTERING the store and finding sky-high prices on just the things you stopped in to purchase. The second attack occurs as your LEAVING the establishment still bitching about the prices. This time it’s not milk or hotdogs that are administering the beating,  but one of the many angry homeless panhandling gangs native to this region.  You’ll find you’ve been under close surveillance the instant you informed them you had “no change” to give them  – YET..you were observed going into the store to  buy groceries. Very interesting. These gangs take special offense at being lied to. 

No matter which gang a panhandler belongs to he shares a few common traits with his brothers of another mugger.  Each member has an empty package of cigarettes in his pocket, carries a moldy wiffle bat in this right hand and a cracked coffee mug stating “Number 2 Dad” or “Kittens are cute”  in his left.  Every gang is accompanied by a fat and smelly female whose apparent job is to sit on her fat ass, laugh and point while the robbing and mugging is going on.  To add insult to injury your one un-bloodied eye will often retain enough vision to see that she’s stuffing her face with the remnants of the last box of vanilla zingers the store had to offer – the very reason you stopped at the inconvenience store in the first place, after spending hours checking in all the stores in the “normal areas”.  

Pet-Friendly!

On the upside – restricted breeds such as rottweilers, pit bulls, American Staffordshire terriers and the like are welcome with open arms here – in fact, most residents have a set of them!

Help Me Pick My New Hovel…

 How could anyone expect us to kick THIS face to the curb?

Older now, 50 lbs heavier.  When he growls you swear there’s a pack of werewolves on your ass.  But we did all we could;  we named him FLUFFY for chrissakes.  

 

DISASTER STRIKES

As of Friday July 17th, approximately 11:45 am, upon opening the cheapass door to our apartment we found it.  The eviction notice.  We have 30 days to get the fudge out of dodge…or suffer the consequences (whatever those are). 

We knew it was coming – management had let us slide in keeping the dog just long enough for me to fall as completely in love with his antics, his canine kindness, his cute  little face and those floppy ears, as Todd is and was since the day I ran over him with my car.  Hey, don’t JUDGE!  You try to make out a puppy’s terrified squeals amidst the terrified satanic squeals of James Hetfield – I mean Metallica ROCKS played through the kickass car stereo in my  Mustang. 

But I am not here to discuss the Fluffster at this moment.  I am here because I need your opinion on the 3 contenders I have lined up for our next abode. 

Before you start drooling with envy in regards to the manse you’re envisioning me moving into, allow me to elaborate:  I got divorced 2 years ago and I’m in the midst of a bankruptcy.  My credit sucks.  I’m on unemployment.  Todd is just starting to work again after being so sick last year AND his experience is in construction – which is feeling the pinch of the economy too.  Oh did I mention the 60 lb pit bull who’s STILL not full grown is a vital part of our family?

So based on these encouraging statistics I figure we have about 3 choices of places in which to hang our hats.  And they ain’t pretty. So here they are, along with the pros and cons of each. Please pick your favorite and tell me why it’s the best abode for us:

#1 – The Loathe Shak

  

house#1

 

 

  

PROS:  Open air.  Not a lot of neighbors.  Visions of love-making under the stars in cow poop.  If those nifty blankets come with it we wouldn’t have to buy carpets.  Fluffy could run and shit wherever he likes. Bill collectors probably won’t find us.

CONS: No internet. No electricity. No water. No food availability (except for the grass). Our 42″ big screen TV would topple the place the instant we attempted to hang it on the wall.  Emergency crews probably won’t find us.

#2 – Bridge over troubled blogger

house#2

 

  

  

  

PROS: The fire place looks centrally located. There’s already an established rock garden.  Already painted and decorated by previous owner. (Is that a Thomas Kincade on the mantle above the fireplace?)  Room for plenty to stay over on those drinkin’ nights – just pick a pebble and pass out!  Todd could scream at his online Call of Duty cronies all night long – the sounds would blend in perfectly with the person getting stabbed on the other side of the bridge. Looks like there might be (stagnant) water. Circle K to panhandle at conveniently located within a half mile. 

CONS: No internet. No electricity. (This means no playstation 3 and a grump) Fluffy could run into the a really big dog carrying a weapon who doesn’t want to play. Rocks aren’t that comfortable. Only one wall.  ANY one can just drop in for a visit.

 

#3 Dumb and Dumb-ster

view #1 is from the side

view #1 is from the side

view #2 is from what i consider the front door

view #2 is from what i consider the front door

This dumpster on it's side kind of changes the look to that of "box" car

On it's side this dumpster's look takes on that of "box" car...I kind of like it...

 
PROS: Open air (in a dumpster that’s a PLUS). Furniture fits in there – see for yourself! If  I can keep all garbage out I can keep us from contracting  “oops I accidentally ate dumpster lettuce – hepatitis”.  We can watch the planes fly over at night. Based on the photo of the furniture dumpster, it appears as though we’d be located in the parking lot behind a business – McDonald’s  or Taco Bell would be nice. If I can get a WIIFI card I bet I can steal the internet from some noon day BigMac macker at least 3 times a week. Although I really like the looks of the boxcar dumpster, the location of the furniture dumpster is perfect!  Fluffy won’t be able to jump uninvited into our bed as easily, but he will be in the perfect position to effectively beg for scraps.
 
CONS: People staring at you in your living room as they munch McNuggets on the way to their car.  Trash thrown on you. The possibility you might be dumpster-dove on one night, or hauled away by a BIG truck one Friday at 9 am. Just me and Todd and the TV that never works….day into night after day into night …..Overhead helioCOPters can definitely locate our whereabouts from the air. People watching us have sex.  Fluffy might decide to take off with the first customer that throws him a McRib.
 
Your opinion is officially sought, and I need to make a decision within 27 days. Please study these carefully before making your selection.   We will pick the abode based upon the one that receives the most votes..
 
By the way…Thanksgiving is at our ….shak, lean-to, dumpster this year.  Just bring the Yoo Hoo, we’ll provide the roaches..