Spammers have invaded my SPACE BOOK

This is the latest assault of the spammer – FACE BOOK (it figures).  I went to my inbox thinking I had gotten a message from one of the close friends on my list I barely know, but added – because statistically speaking, having nearly 300 face book friends make me look SO COOL – instead, I got this:

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DEAR SPAMMER:

PLEASE ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS FOR ME SO I CAN FINALLY GET SOME SLEEP:

Is there NO place I can be where you DON’T find me? Some place I can feel safe in where I don’t have to worry about you popping out at me like some psychotic Long Duck Dong, to freak me out with your creepy “All is well” Buddha leer? Thanks to the nighttime dreamscapes I see all night long, I’ve had to throw out my incense and my Top Ramen – they remind me of you.

Are ALL of you spammers ASIAN? And if so, are ALL Asians spammers? (Thanks a lot for THAT conundrum keeping me up at night, by the way) And if so, as children were you required to take classes on appearing from thin air to say non-sensical things to the rest of us, using words in sentences that aren’t really words, just made up jumbles of English, Asian and God knows what?

And by the way – if you think I’M going to your blog and read the satanic incantations you call POSTS out loud while clicking your ads, so you can make me summon a demon, you’re crazier than you look…

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Elves are TRAITORS!!!!

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

 

This hiphop dance group looks like they belong performing a couple of months back in October, but this was the best they could do. Watch them get down with their freaky elf selves!

MERRY CHRISTMAS from Fluff Elf….

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

Don’t just “guess” if it’s safe to have sex. Ask Holly!

If you have a Face book account and send “crap gifts” to your friends (the ONLY reason to join, in my book anyway) … then you’ve seen this cute little toy! This is a stuffed “herpes doll”. herpes_1 

            realherp
    It’s supposedly a replica of this.  Which is supposed to be a real live herpe under a microscope, but it looks more like an old piece of Chef Boyardee ravioli to me..  I don’t know WHAT they’re planning to do with this herpe doll, but whatever it is, it hasn’t been done fast enough for me.  So I did something about it.    

Remember those “mood rings”?
  
 
For those of you too young to revel in the glamour of the mood ring – it went like this: You were sold a cheap band of colored glass that was supposed to turn colors according to whatever mood you were in when you put it on your finger.
  
Green meant you were envious or jealous.
Blue meant you were tranquil or peaceful.
Red meant you were anxious or uptight.
Black meant you were NOT in a good mood.  
  
I used to pick out my clothes for school AFTER I put my mood ring on, so I could color coordinate my wardrobe with what mood it thought I should be in that day. For some reason I ended up wearing a lot of black. 
 

moodrings

 
 
 
 
Anyway, here’s my tribute to the mood ring – combined with my new pet cause – Making Fun of Herpes.  The theory behind this new invention is that the Herpified can tote around this cute, cuddly, and oh-so-fashionable stuffed Herpes doll – Holly the Herpometer…(the soft, cuddly herpes thermometer you can HUG…) and based on it’s tell tale color change, it will either be safe to get down or a warning to the other party to GET OUT!
  
Hereeeeeeees Holly!
“YOU HAVE A DATE AND YOU WANT SEX! BUT DAMN! You went and caught herpes, in spite of all your girlfriends warnings to STAY AWAY from guys who live in the park!”
 
BUT DON’T BE BUGGIN!  YOU may have herpes but you also have HOLLY THE HERPOMETER (the soft, cuddly herpes thermometer you can HUG!) She’ll let you and your date know if  its “Go Time” or “Hell NO!” Time…
 
  
                hollyhTAKE5                            
  Here’s how an ad would go….

cleancutcouple2

 
 

alone1herp

 
 
 

Let me know if you think this would sell!

facebook farm town presents: BoCefus the idiot farmer in “A growing misunderstanding with the Law”

Bocefus2

Poor BoCefus.  Not only is the DEA still on his ass over whatever that shit was that  his “cook” Dyna was whippin’ up and selling at the Farm Town Farmer’s Market,  but now he’s really gone to SEED.  See, after the “cooking” incident with Dyna, BoCefus thought he’d just stick to planting and growing his own edibles in the ground – live off his land – to HELL with hiring another cook.  And besides, he LOVES growin’ things.  The problem is he doesn’t have much experience or many “farm” skills.   But someone believed in him enough to give him this nifty facebook Farm Town farm – so he figured he could learn it just like everyone else in Farm Town.  How hard could it be?

Anyway, while he’s waiting for Growing Farm Vegetables for Dummies to come out in paper back,  he’s meets this really cool hippy fella rambling past his farm house one day.   Turns out the guy sells “potted plants” for a living and asks BoCefus if he’d like to buy a couple of “pounds” of his potted plants.  Well, who the HELL doesn’t like potted plants?  After the nice hippy fella assures him that the plants do indeed have colored “flowers”, BoCefus decides to throw caution to the wind and order 400 of them for his farm.

The fella doesn’t have the potted plants on him at the time but tells BoCefus that “Little Hector” will be delivering them to him today at 5 pm.  So after waiting all day for the hippy fella to call him before 5 pm, BoCefus finally gets a message from the fella to meet him in the alley where the Farm Town freeway intersects with the outskirts of Whore Town proper.  BoCefus has never seen anything like the flowers the hippy fells has brought him.  They’re purple, green and brownish and they’re kinda sticky.  They don’t smell too good at first, kinda like a skunk smells after you pop it’s stink sack running it over with your car. But after awhile, surprisingly enough, BoCefus starts feeling light hearted and reflective about his life, and is suddenly cool with  hauling the 400 sticky an heavy “potted plants” home in a plastic Hefty sack.

All that night until the stupid rooster starts in with his screeching, BoCefus carefully arranges the “potted plants” throughout his garden rows.  They look really pretty and somehow just looking at them makes BoCefus kinda hungry…and sleepy at the same time.

That was two days ago – now the god damn Keystone cops are banging at his door again this morning  – this time yelling about his new sticky flowers which are, SURPRISE! illegal, just like Dyna’s Lemon METHerengue pie he tried to gag down last week, with no success.  What the hell? He’s never heard such shit about shit before in his life.

God damn, he better answer the door before they  break it down.  All over a bunch of sticky flowers…Geez…

Get Out of My Face!book – Chapter 1

I swear they're mocking me....

I swear they're mocking me....

See "friend" upper right corner? We used to light his pubes on fire every gym class

See my "friend" - upper right corner? We used to light his pubes on fire every Friday after gym class

2 many pretty icons!

  

 
facebooklogo
 
 
 
 
It seems like everyone who’s still breathing is on Facebook these days.  I even joined myself a couple of weeks ago, just to see what all the fuss was about.  It’s ability to connect you with uber-speed to those you heard had died  5 years before but hadn’t, is intriguing, that’s for sure.  But I’ve also been finding out that being a member of  Facebook isn’t just a sign-up and forget it affair.  You can’t just waltz in, goose a few old buddies, exchange mental spit and waltz out again saying, See ya when I see ya! Oh no. You’re expected to make a commitment and spend lots of time there. And it’s a lot of work to stay in the good graces of everyone on your friends list.
 
Within moments of your first log in click, it seems that every person you’ve ever worked with or gone to school with  finds you, and requests a friend connect.   And then people on their friendslists will contact you with a request because now you have the first person in common.  Then another from that person’s  list who wants to know you because you know Bobby’s cousins third wife’s sisters dog asks to be your friend, and so on. And this isn’t even including the people you’re searching to connect with. Every time you log in it can go on like that for hours, and it gets to where your’e multi-connecting so fast with so many you  feel like an ungrateful piece of shit if you even think to log off before midnight – who needs sleep anyway, right?  But it gets even worse…
 
Facebook contains an endless database of specialized cutsie applications for every season, holiday, day of the week,  mood, animal, emotion, addiction and bodily function you can think of .  Oh but it’s all part of the fun! Yes, and every member on your list seems to send out and expect back countless different cutsies daily, and you are expected to follow suit.   Upon any log in, you’ll usually find your in box  is again full to overflowing with smiles, hugs, booty rubs, penis tugs, cute pets, hearts etc that you’ve been sent and whose senders appear to be waiting for your exchange gift with bated breath – that’s what Facebook would have you believe anyway.
 
The time and effort that goes into accepting and returning even one cutsie to the person who initiated it is mind-boggling.  It’s not just a simple matter of clicking on it one time to accept and once again to return the kindness.  This would be way too convenient – not to mention time-efficient.   It’s way more involved than that.  
 
For example, say you start with the first cutsie exchange request sent at 3 this morning.  When you click to accept ” the sparkly and gay flowerbaby teletubby” that Gena sent to brighten your day, a box suddenly pops up on the screen preventing immediate reciprocal- flowerbaby send off back to Gena.  The box wants you to stop and choose 15 friends and brighten their days like Gena brightened yours –  by sending each of them a flowerbaby teletubby. But there’s a catch  – the box wants you to be original and choose a different flowerbaby teletubby to send your 15 friends AND Gena.
 
OK fine.  So now you’re held up wasting more time as you try to choose a different flowerbaby teletubby as fast as you can without appearing as though no thought at all had gone into the gesture.  Looking at the other choices, you notice the only ones you deem passable have been LOCKED (whatever that means) and now you”e left deciding between the retarded looking flowerbaby with one wing named “goofy SPECIAL flowerbaby teletubby” and a deranged-looking happy face flowerbaby teletubby that doesn’t have a name but probably doesen’t need one as it’s homicidal expression pretty much says it all.    
 
So you pick the goofy special flowerbaby teletubby and hope that Gena doesn’t think you’re implying she’s a retard.  Hit Send and now the box pops up and reminds you to pick those 15 lucky friends that will get one too! Now that you’re stuck calling 16 people retards you may as well finish the job or you’ll never get out of this application if you don’t. Click. Another box pops up to tell you, OH NO! you don’t have enough Facebux to purchase all these retarded bugs BUT you’re in luck.  Facebook has Pay pal and for just $2 you can purchase them the old fashioned way!
 
Screw that, right?  Click Skip to exit this pain in the ass application – you have 1000 others to answer in your In-box.  But before you can leave, another box pops up to let you know that everyone will know what a loser you are if you leave without returning the gift gesture…  Because I’m as broke on Facebook as I am in life, this happens to me all the time. 
 
So how I handle it is to leave a Wall Post for all the people on my list and everyone on theirs, to let them know why they haven’t received anything from me  in return.  So they don’t think I’m a loser or a Scrooge.
 
I post something like, “Thanks so much for the gift of your (smiley, fluffy hug, small penis, lewid wink elf,  etc.)  I did attempt to return your gesture immediately but Facebook says I don’t have enough Facebux and I can’t afford the $2 to buy them for real.  For those of you who still don’t appreciate the dilemma this has put me in, please be aware I’m about ready to start my favorite time of the month, and if I get even one snide comment or complaint  from any of you I will be sending out Gonna Kick your Fuckin’ Ass this Monday smilies, and I’ll be showing up in person to deliver the goods.”
 
So far, eveyone seems to be really understanding about the predicament I’m in. 

facebookmidfingsmiley

 
 
 
 
 

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