Call of Duty 5: Fun With Zombies, Tea Baggin’ and Keeping Up on World Events

Todd's Scripture
Todd’s Scripture
Da da da da da HEY! Da da da da...

Da da da da da HEY! Da da da da...

This is Todd’s BIBLE. This is Todd.
Well, it’s not REALLY Todd.  It’s his avatar when he plays Call of Duty World at War – ZOMBIES! version.  He has several aliases, but his favorite is GaryFUKN Glitter – I, OF COURSE, came up with the name.   
For those of you who don’t know or care about this PlayStation 3  phenomenon, hold open  your eyelids with clothes pins while I give you a bit of background.  The Call of Duty series is a first person shooter game you can play alone or with a group of on line friends.    It’s graphics are programmed so it looks like real wartime events down to the scenery and type of people familiar to the GI Joe era.  Sometimes I  swear one of the disembodied voices taunting the soldiers to get out there and kill! (Just like in real war!) belongs to Kiefer Sutherland.  
The setting appears to be Germany and in this version  instead of  asshole Nazi’s you get asshole ZOMBIES.  When you’re  a beginning shooter the ZOMBIES that come after you look like bewildered drunks slowly stumbling out of a bar after one too many –  harmless right?.  But as you  progress in skill level they get meaner and the speed in which they travel to rip you open is lightening fast!


Call of Duty also contains goofy music, eerie voices, and mystery boxes that might or might not contain a weapon you need.  OR it might contain the dreaded teddy bear. (Also in the midst of all this chaos vicious dogs are intermittently unleashed to rip any remaining flesh from you that was missed by the ZOMBIES). 
Anyway, back to the teddy bear.  You NEVER want to get the teddy bear – which is the Let’s Make A Deal version of picking the wrong curtain.  To get the teddy bear means to lose the location of the mystery box, and possible weapons of salvation!  You know when a teddy bear is on it’s way by first hearing eerie horror flick music and then starts the chanting of evil children. (Eerie music and evil chanting children  were the very reasons I never risked having kids, by the way).   Oh yeah, the creepy asshole teddy also floats in the air to taunt you when you lose the mystery box.
Creepy fuckin' bear...

Creepy fuckin' bear...

Like most people hooked on Call of Duty, it’s not so much a game as it is an exercise to test and hone your skills, speed and coordination. There are hundreds of online players in their 30’s and 40’s, who’ve  made Call of Duty an integral part of their personal make up.  The fact that Todd’s job resume proudly includes his number 13 ranking in the online first shooter world in the Zombie version should clue you in.   
Call of Duty gives you the option of playing solo or in groups as a team.  Because he’s evil, Todd likes playing in groups – when one of his team members gets slaughtered by a ZOMBIE and is waiting for a team mate to revive him, Todd is always  the first to volunteer.  He goes over and TeaBags him BEFORE reviving him.  (yeah Todd makes the character actually move up and down by the maimed player’s face and announces what he’s doing, just in case the poor guy doesn’t get it yet).  When the player is revived and can move,  Todd then asks him again via Blue Tooth how he “liked that teabaggin?”.  Of course being guys, the victim starts slinging “Fuck you shithead” and Todd yells out, “Teabagged by GaryFUKNGlitter, how was it”?  It’s actually quite comical and even the ZOMBIES laugh from time to time.

Tonite, while writing this post, I innocently asked Todd what the main objective is in Call of Duty – what is it’s message?  He looked at me like I was an idiot, and drawled out slowly, “To.    KILL.    OF.   COURSE”.    But I think it’s really more about GETTING. TO. TEA. BAG. UNSUSPECTING. TEAM. MATES.,  but  I kept that to myself


So Sunday I’m reading the very funny post about Father’s Day written by Dizzy Blond, author of  Soggy Doggy Bloggy.   She mentioned Call of Duty Modern Warfare and how she NEVER gets to play because of her son.  Well, that started my train of thought rolling and made me think how  Todd and I should REALLY follow world events closer and how I should be grateful to Call of Duty for existing in the first place.  Why do I say this? (Makes no sense, I know)
Because if it hadn’t been for Todd’s addiction to this game and his friendship with his online connections from England, we would have never even been clued in that we were about to die at the hands of the  North Koreans!
FRRRRREEEEEEDOM! (looks NOTHING like Braveheart huh....)

FRRRRREEEEEEDOM! (looks NOTHING like Braveheart huh....)

See, we hardly ever watch the NEWS – not because we’re afraid to hear it like a lot of people.  But we both think most of what we’re being fed is so ludicrus and absurd that it’s not even worth it trying to pick out fact from fiction anymore.  So instead we watch SouthPark – SouthPark always delivers the truth through Cartmen’s insults and minute long farting sessions featuring Terrrence and Phillip.  Plus it’s damn hysterical and offends most people – which makes it even more hysterical to us.  So we were out of  the loop as usual on current events. 


So the day before we’re given the news of our inevitable demise, we hear that the North Koreans had detonated a nuuc in North Korea on Memorial Day.  Now we were only saavy to this much because we decided to wait through a slew of commercials for the TOOL song 98 ROCK had promised to play after the break, so we hadn’t turned the station as we usually did when the music stops.  I quipped that if those Koreans didn’t know what they were doing with nuucs they shouldn’t be playing with them to begin with.  But then Todd remarked that the North Koreans detonated the bomb on purpose to advertise to other countries what they now had for sale.  Hmm. I said nothing, but was extra glad that North Korea was so far away from us.  We both went on to give our attention to more important things – like the upcoming TOOL song, Prison Sex.

The next day Todd gets on his PS3 and starts looking to get in a game with a few cronies he plays with often. Todd and I own a webcam and so do a lot of the other players, so we’ve seen a lot of them face to face many times.  So Todd sees that two of his English friends are online and contacts them via Blue Tooth.  Here is the conversation:

Todd:  Bootman’s online!  Hey Bootman! Turn on your cam, what the hell are you up to?

Bootman: Ould on ther chum! Got to git this cam ralling. ..  Ok…Ay Gary! (That’s what they all call him….creepy, especially cuz they all know who Gary Glitter is and what he’s accused of as he’s from THEIR country). Ay Gary, so glad to catch ya, whers the Misses? 

Todd: Babe, come here for a moment. Bootman and his cousin Pounder want to say hello!  (I still haven’t figured out if those are names or medical conditions)

Me: Come on babe, I’m BLOGGING!!!

Todd: Please just for a second!

Me: Fine (exasperated).

So we’re sitting there on the couch, me feeling awkward like i’m posing for a family photo and avoiding the webcam.  The guys come on finally. 

Todd: Bootman and Pounder what’s up guys?

Bootman:  I’m glad ya caught us online  Gary. Jes wanted ta say, it’s been reel nice known ya, and you too Luvie.

Todd: Huh? What do you mean, are you leaving the game?

Bootman:  No Gary, you ayr!

Todd:  No I’m not, what do you mean?

Pounder: Gary, havent ya ben watching yr own news now?

Me: We NEVER watch that shit, why? (Now I’m wishing I had seen NBC that morning)

Bootman: Well we ere Nerth Karreyya is senin a bomb to bomb America like in 3 weaks or les n we wanted to say gud luk and gud bye  while we could.

Todd: WHAT?!

Pounder: Thas right Gary. The Karreyans arr gunnin for yehs. Report says they shuld be ther within a few weks or less to bomb ya. So we wanted to say we had fun and will miss ya!

Gud Luk from yer pals in England and the UK!

Gud Luk from yer pals in England and the UK!

Now these guys are totally serious all the way down to the “3 weeks or less”  detail.  So Todd tells them to hang on while he checks his computer. 

Sure enough, there’s the story about the bomb plans. Korea is still pissed about something the “we” did to them in the 1950’s ,  and as they finally got the nuuc bomb working they’re now ready for retaliation.  But hey! the story says our government isn’t worried! Idle threats!

Whatever.  I go get some wine and a cigarette and head for my computer. 

Todd, however, is freaked out, and keeps saying, “oh no”,  Lisa, this isn’t good.”  “Oh no”.  “Babe, come here NOW!”  I remind him that if it does happen we won’t have to worry about finding a new place that will take Fluffy.

He doesn’t like that smartass answer so I come up with another idea.

Me: Hey Bootman, Pounder. You still there?

Bootman: Yes Luvie, still here, where’s Gary?

Me: Contemplating death, can I ask you a favor?

Pounder:  Sure go ahead, what can we do fer ya?

Me: Well, seeing we’re gonna need to leave the country soon or get bombed what would you say to a visit from your new friends from America? Like really soon?

Pounder: Sure! Com on over luvie, will put ya and Gary up for however long ya’d like! And Daisy too! (He means Fluffy)

Bootman: Yea Gary, ok? Now ya dun’t have ta die! See?  Its settled. Lets kill us some ZOMBIES!

So now that Todd knows we have a backup plan he’s happy again and  good to go.  And I am now free to go back to blogging uninterrupted unless Fluffy suddenly decides he has to take his 5th shit of the hour, which he does, about 10 minutes later. 

When I walk through the door a half hour later, after having catered to the dog’s obsessive need to find just the RIGHT place to pinch a loaf, I know things are back to normal when I hear Todd whooping it up via web cam with the guys from England and everything’s cool.

Everything’s cool that is, until I happen to notice that Todd’s been showing the English guys our photos online. And from the continual hero’s welcome I’m getting from England as I sit down at my computer, I somehow know they’ve just viewed the picture of me naked in the bathtub that Todd’s SO proud of.  

Oh well, they are saving us from being bombed.  What’s a little skin?