Fun with Face book applications…

The internet has many different variations of “family tree” makers  floating around in cyberspace these days  – take your pick at any site you end up on.  There must be a demand for them for some reason.  Maybe there’s thousands of people  online searching for any logical explanation that would make sense of the existence of certain morons in the immediate family, or maybe it’s just a  cross word puzzle in pictures for the extremely bored.

I was on Face book minding my own business, ducking hugs, smileys and elf videos – when I was hit out of the blue by the Face Book version called “Family Link”.  It does no good to ignore it – you’ll be continually “virused” by it until you finally stop what you’re doing and take care of your family tree RIGHT THIS INSTANT! So now you have to go to your “friends list” and rifle through all the losers who always ask for money, food, a place to live, bail – you know….AKA relatives…

(Here is the Face Book application logo if you’re interested (or want to avoid it…)

 

 

 

famlinkA

   So next you get to this screen. Let’s take a look at how it’s set up. Drag and Drop Relatives.

 d&d1

 Drag and Drop RELATIVES huh? Hmm… What a great idea!

Put an end to all that “borrowing” and other irritating habits they practice when you’re around – once and for all!

 

 d7d5

Run this by the next irritating relative that corners you to catch you up on the last 10 boring years of his life!

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The spector of Phil continues on…

         

I find I HAVE to revisit a new favorite – the man who was the inspiration behind my photochop creation the SLUGGY    –  Mr.  Phil Spector.          

        

You must have heard of Mr. Spector by now, but I’ll break it down for you anyway.          

Phil  was a talented and quirky record producer – a 1960’s music legend. The originator of the “the wall of sound” production technique and a songwriter, Phil was also responsible for the success of some talented musicians who are still working today.   This quirky genius was also married to  Ronnie Spector, lead singer of the 1960’s girl group,  The Ronettes.  Ronnie was apparently terrified of her husband and stated as much in a book she wrote about her life.             

And it turns out that Phil was to get even “quirkier” over the next few decades, and in 2007 gave in to homicidal urges when he killed an actress in his Malibu home  – for what?  Well I suspect it may have been the crime of  laughing at whatever ridiculous doo he was sporting at the time he was trying to get her in his sheets.   But old Phil told the cops her death was an accident – in fact, he actually stated that the actress “slipped and kissed” the gun she was shot with, while in his bedroom.   So, do I say this to justify my need to photochop and bag on yet another defenseless pyscho?  Well of course I do. Look at  him! He obviously deserves it.     

As you may notice from the above picture  – Phil’s  ‘doos have changed over the years, yet he’s never swerved from looking extremely creepy. Personally, I think he looks a lot like actor Beverly Archer of “Mama’s Family” fame.  Ms. Archer was awesome as skinny, nervous next door neighbor Iola Boylen.  I watched that show faithfully into reruns – it was hysterical for its time!     Here’s a promo of the Mama’s Family crew in the 80’s.  Beverly Archer is the one sitting on the bottom left.  (The gal in the pink gingham dress who looks like she’s seriously regretting her decision to forgoe her usual  “OOPS I crapped my pants” adult briefs in honor of  picture day.  Well hell – who can blame her?  They probably bulked up under her pantyhose and made her dress puff out all unfeminine-like)       

         

Anyway, I really notice a resemblance to Phil Spector in her face.  Especially in this next photo taken at the end of their last season:         

        

          

And just look at this next picture of him with his latest ‘doo – how could ANYONE NOT  be rivited to THAT HAIR?        

           

It looks like he’s either wearing a Dollar Tree bath scrubby on his head or some really hairy woman left her hooha velcroed to his dome during the performance of some unnatural act.    And I do have one more theory regarding Phil and that particular hair “don’t”, but I should stop right now.  To continue writing in detail my thoughts on the mind of Phil S. would only serve to pervert and taint a beloved childhood memory, so familiar to us all.  I really shouldn’t spoil it for the yet unborn.     

But because I’m “inappropriate like that” I’ll do it anyway. Behold…    

Children make a wish and BLOW on the head of dandelion...

  

       Ok, try not to think about that sweet caption you just read when you view this next pictoral portion of my theory about Phil’s hair.  Ready?  Ok.       

Phil has always wanted to be just like a dandelion...!

  

Here is my theory:  Now that old age, decaying brain cells and the psychotic tendencies have come to fruition, Phil is finally taking his dandelion desire public.  I know, I know – innocent kids blowing dandelions was probably a horrible set up.  And I agree, Phil Spector is even grosser than “HEY!” child molester-rocker Gary Glitter for a number of reasons. But anti-taboo blogging is my forte…so how could I not?  And face it – the mere thought of witnessing an evil “dandelion-troll” as he throws eyeball daggers at the world from a courtroom in which he is being tried for murder, well…it’s more than funny to me.          

So, because Phil has done me the solid of making me laugh my ass off with his different ‘doos and his very persona,  I now present to you a photoshop exclusive!  A tribute to Phil and his quest to be a dandelion. And I must warn you – this is serious art and is meant to be sold at an auction and placed upon the wall of the gentry. Behold! An object d’art  – created  with an illegally used photo or two, and my fine chopping abilities applied at just the right time, of course.         

Note that I attempted to paint Phil in a softer, more humane light…       

        

Instead, I’m fairly positive that I’ve created a piece of art so horrific that one  shudders at the mere thought of inheriting it from an elderly relative one day. For starters, where would one hang such a monstrosity? and for what reason would you want to assault the eyes of innocent people who visit your home?  what reason indeed…Hmmm.  I’ve got it!   

My soon- to- be famous immortalization of  Phil/Dandelion could be utilized as the worst punishment a child could imagine.  The portrait would be placed INSIDE the child’s bedroom – in fact, hanging on his bedroom door as recompense for whatever the child has done.  Think of the years you could save having to deal with a spoiled brat.   

You simply force the child to his room and lock him in for the night – with the painting – and let Phil do the rest of the work.  After a night of being glared down at from a crazy human dandelion from hell, a former holy terror is now sincerely remorseful and has changed over night into an angel of helpfulness to his parents!    

The only downside is for the rest of their lives, whenever a dandelion happens to be in their range of vision, all that little Johnny or Suzy will be able to see is that ugly troll with his huge head of wiry brown pubic hair glaring at them satanically in their traumatized minds.     

 That’s so cruel, isn’t it?   But why stop there?   Why not put a permanent stop to the annual “I want…..”  Christmas list whine-fest expense that always hits you painfully in the ass like you’re being buggered for the first time by Rudolph himself.  Go ahead and be creative – ruin Christmas for the ungrateful turds too.  Phil will be happy to help – with a nice christmas rememberance just for the kiddies, like this:        

 (I know it’s lame but there’s something about the bow on the top of his pubes that always makes me smile….)

Some alternatives to Twitter…

I’m on Twitter and it’s kinda fun.  It’s a unique social venue –  and it IS cool the times i’m surprised by someone’s written reply to a “random inside voice” comment  I barely remember thinking – let alone remember updating my status with.  And the way the website is arranged, I always feel like I’m hundreds of feet above land when I access it. But these novelties aside, I think the Twitter idea could be improved upon.

1. The Twitter general population has grown to such a mass that it often shuts down from communication overload.

2. My “followers” list goes up and down daily.  Before I found out that Twitter will remove spammers from your list automatically, I thought that one by one the people on my list had clicked on my Herpes posts and had abandoned me – disgusted by what they read. (That also led me to believe that most of my followers must have their own personal STD to get so riled over a humor post.)

 

So my solution is simple. Since there are so many people on Twitter and they come from so many different backgrounds – it would be a good idea to create some spin-offs to Twitter. And each spin-off would cater to a select group of people and their lifestyles.

Here are two prototypes for your consideration: (don’t forget to click on the picture for a much bigger view:)

For the people who like to play with doody, and for those who can’t stop leaving logs in their pants there’s Shitter.com.

twitform1    

And for the STD crowd with their many different personalities, likes and afflictions, its all good.  We just band them together, come one itch come all, and give them a hopping good time with their own site – Critter.com.

critterAA

See now we solve two problems.  The followers can pick scads of people to follow based on their interests and tastes, and Twitter won’t crash with an overload the next time Michael Jackson dies…

Elves are TRAITORS!!!!

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

 

This hiphop dance group looks like they belong performing a couple of months back in October, but this was the best they could do. Watch them get down with their freaky elf selves!

Mr Hankey’s just rewards…

sphankI’ve got big news!  After helping so many others, Mr. Hankey’s time for fame is here!  I’ll tell you the details in a moment. But first I just gotta say that we’re all SO proud of him!

I admit, I was one of his  many friends who was against it when Mr. Hankey just decided to do that “brown” movie” out of the blue. I told him, “Hankey – This isn’t  going to be like a Southpark episode, ya know. THIS is a totally different ballgame.  You’re going to be doing a hole lot more  than floating in and out of toilet bowls and popping out to say HiDEE HOOOO boys and girls! Merry Christmas! every 5 minutes.”  ” I mean, sure the movie script I read looks kinda cute, corn-y in it’s own way, but they might just treat you like you’re a piece of shit and take advantage of your innocent nature!” “Did you ever stop to think about that?”  Well Hankey just gave me a sweet chocolate smile and told me not to be so anal,  he’d be just fine – so I shut up. And it turns out he knew what he was doing.

So anyway, on to the news!

“Mr. Hankey makes Booty calls” was such an overnight sensation at the Kitty Kat theatre last  month that a national publishing house (Sorry, I can’t mention the name but it’s a big one!) caught the scent of Mr. Hankey’s rising star, interviewed him, and immediately signed him for a 5 year contract co-writing ‘advice and commentaries for men” in the field of relationships and dating in the millenium. They want him to co-write a couple of books with another writer, THEN they want him to write 3 of his own!  Seems there’s a market for men out there who can’t seem to hook up with any quality ladies.  We all know how hard it is to be single these days, but if anyone can help with advice for the lovelorn – it’s Mr. Hankey with his compassionate heart.  He’d been gone for weeks before I heard anything from him.  I knew he was working around the clock  – co- writing, doing some filming, and posing for those Hollywood glam shots, and whatever else they had him doing.  But  I didn’t realize he’d be able to accomplish SO much in such a short period of time.  Then late last night, I got an email from  him telling me UPS would be dropping off a package for  me tomorrow.  He said I’d be very impressed with what it contained. Well, the package arrived at noon and I couldn’t wait to tear into it! 

Well, it turns out not only has he been a busy little turd writing his advice for the lovelorn, but his work is absolutely brilliant! After you see the prototypes for some of his work,  I know you’ll agree with me that Mr. Hankey is blessed with great talent.  And throw in his natural love and compassion for his fellow-man and those lonely hearts will all be announcing their engagements to a nice girl in no time at all.  Mr. Hankey is a saint! 

Anyway, first things first. This is a copy of the an advertisement for the book he’s co-writing “How to pick up Chicks”.  It’s that “how-to” piece on successful love relationships for lonely men. It’s the one I was telling you about earlier.  It comes out in January 2010 and I’m going to get the very first copy!

See? Look how they’ve linked back to his booty  movie – those book agents are so smart! And by the title of the advertisement it looks like women just adore Mr. Hankey…

Now this is a copy of the cover of the actual book “How to pick up Chicks”…

See the publicity link to his movie again?  (It’s 4th down on “Related Blogs”.)  This is so exciting!!

But I saved the best for last.  Here goes..

You all know that popular skin magazine Hustler? 

 Here’s a copy to refresh your memory, if you’ve forgotten.

 

Well there’s a NEW magazine coming out this Christmas, and it’s also put out by Hustler.  However, it caters to a slightly more “exotic” crowd. AND –

And they’ve asked Mr. Hankey to be the very first cover story and cover model for their first issue!  It’s a big big honor –  just like being asked to pose for Playboy!

 Doesn’t he photograph well? 

HIDEE HO! Mr. Hankey’s making history and we’re all here to see it!

hankexpl

How to Increase Your Blog Traffic by Tricking Readers into Visiting Your Blog

 

Here are my observations (and instructions) on how to get readers to click on your blog and increase it’s traffic! (Please feel free to use this idea to increase your personal blog’s traffic, if you wish):

First, I list my humor blog on every blog directory I can find. I also post it to Cancer Survivor support group blogs and Families of missing/murdered children national support blogs.  I justify it this way – I figure if you’re DYING or dealing with the DEATH of a loved one you’d welcome the distraction – although I do tend to stay away from the blogs where perverts might hang out as I don’t want to distract them anymore than they already are.

Next, because I suffer from a severe lack of self-confidence, and automatically assume that no one will would want to read my dribble voluntarily, I start my blog description with a lie that goes something like this:

“The family of this blog author is sad to report the unexpected and tragic suicidal demise of (fill in the blank) on (month-date-year), that occurred after a brief but severe depression. In an effort to educate the public on this growing epidemic, the family has graciously agreed to share their private agony with the world. They feel if this prevents just one more family from experiencing the nightmare of a loved one’s suicide due to the untreated mental conditions of low self-esteem and self -pity, the reliving of their pain will have been worth it 1000 times over – The following is an excerpt from the author’s last desperate message (along with a link for the suicide video in it’s entirety) to a world that had gone deaf to his pleas for validation.”

Then I post the “author’s excerpt”. It reads something like this, “because I was ignored by a cold and uncaring world, I was forced to film my suicide for posterity and make EVERYONE who views it feel horrible and sorry about what THEY DID TO ME!” , along with a link readers will assume take’s them right to the You Tube page that contains the video.

Are you happy you cold unfeeling assholes?

Are you happy you cold unfeeling assholes?

 

 

 

 

 

Now because I already know that this link will be worn out worse than a chronic masturbater’s finger by the end of Day One, as everyone loves to view the tortured suicide of some random jerk (it makes them feel they’re finally less pathetic than someone else), this is where I slide in the old bait and switch. Witness the unfolding of my brilliance:

I need some ATTENTION NOW!!

I need some ATTENTION NOW!!

 

 

 

 

 

Turns out all those readers expecting an instant-gratification, 100% no-hassle free view into my mental anguish and human frailties have to manually take the time to click on my blog first, in order to get to their reward! It’s true – Nothing’s for free! DAMN!! And of course once the poor mice go through all that back breaking work to get to the promised cheese, only to end up viewing the “Leave Brittany ALONE!” parody some clever perp made a few years back, they’ll discover how full of shit I am and most won’t see the humor in it. Oh well, boo-fuckin-hoo.

Anyway, at this point usually one of two things happen:

Sometimes, just sometimes…I get a clicker who actually gets it and finds what I’ve pulled off hysterical. They actually come back repeatedly for more of my evil scams and observations. These are the intelligent blog readers.

More commonly however, the majority of lazy idiots become irate and leave me angry self-righteous comments on the Imposter video’s You Tube page commentary section AND at my blog. In fact, many of them will even return to my blog numerous times in order to defamate my character again. Turns out they don’t appreciate being cheated out of an opportunity to finally feel superior to some loser – who at first looked to be a WAY bigger loser than they – until he trashed their dreams of arrogance by revealing himself to be a  fake.

Again I repeat – boo-fuckin-hoo and add a HA HA too.

So what does this end up proving boys and girls? Only that I was clever enough to steal the real prize sought by EVERY blogger who starts a blog. No matter what crap, goody-two shoes reason any blogger gives for starting a blog, know this – They’re ALL in it for the attention. Attention that’s offically logged for everyone to see – by all that traffic to their blog! I include myself amongst the hopelessly vain, I admit it.

And guess what? I’M getting lots of ATTENTION these days – from THEM! As my blog stats for traffic to my blog proves – Negative attention is STILL attention.

I ROCK!