A new Face Book Crap Gift for the religious types

This is for all those religious types that have Face Book pages and want to join the rest of us sinners sending Crap Gifts, but can’t.

Those certain holier than thou types who are  unable to even entertain the horrific thought of sending dead fish, an STD lip, or even a sock puppet to someone on their friends list,  as it goes against their RELIGION –  and all that is Holy.

The ones who somehow know that if they  participate the  normal way, they’ll be going to hell with the rest of us sinners.  And we can’t have that, can we?

But it isn’t really fair to leave them out of the fun of Crap gifts, is it?

No, it’s not. So, I have come up with an idea to combine the Crap Gifts of we common sinners with the piousness of those who love and follow our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ – and ram it down the throats of the rest of us, DAY after DAY after DAY…. 

And, I do this from the heart -  so all the Jimmy Swaggert, Al Sharptons, and  Tammy Faye Baker-wannabees can participate in sending crap gifts in their own personal – and Holy – sort of way, without fear of a firey brimstone retribution when they die.  (That is for the REST of us to bare…). 

So, without further ado, I give you the …..

HOLY CRAP! crap gift… 

holycrapjesus

What do you think? Will it fly at Church Bingo?

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Jesus, hellbound, bills, dementia and farts

You fucked up AGAIN!

Last night, I suddenly got teary over a memory of how my parents would take us kids to Baskin Robbins for ice cream every week on Sunday, after dinner.  Sweet yes, but they had an agenda.

They were trying to make up for forcing Cheryl and I to go to Sunday School – EVERY SUNDAY – without fail, where we had to sit out an hour dressed in scratchy clothes and too tight tights to learn about Jesus,  sing songs to praise him, and to hear the breaking news the day after we’d already comitted the latest childhood sin to be put on the list of  unforgivables that guaranteed the the perpetrators hellbound status when he died. 

And Sundays did go on forever.   After this torture was over, we were driven like devastated cattle to the slaughter and  forced to sit with the grown ups who didn’t seem all that concerned about hell, and in fact snored, farted, slept, and burped during the the pastor’s lecture – and then woke up long enough to sing out of tune to the endless songs of praise they tried to fool us into beliving they knew by heart.   And this  occurred in between the stern lecture of an angry pastor who tried to convince us that Yes, Jesus loves us – and no, he didn’t WANT to send any of us to hell – but how could he do anything BUT – when all of us continued to disappoint him every minute of every day?  

We kids would finally be put out of our misery when the collection plate got to us, and each of us put our whole weeks’s allowances in it –  hoping that our buck fifty’s would somehow cause Jesus to change his mind about sending us kids to hell – but we weren’t optimistic about the outcome.

And, of course after that weekly reminder of doom,  neither Cheryl nor I was in the mood to watch the Wonderful World of Disney hour  – the show that signaled the end of the weekend,  and the start of another week of school and eating paste with boogers in it.

So I guess I would have to say that taking  two future hell bound occupants to Baskin Robbins to get their minds off their fates, wasn’t too high a price to ask . But anyway, I digresss.

I called my Dad to tell him that I loved he and Mom, and to thank them for being the best parents in the world – I swear that was my only intention.  But as soon as my Dad answered the phone he started in on how the cable company had sent my bill to their house and I was being cut off on July 9th if I didn’t come up with $100. Next came my auto insurance cancellation notice, and did I know my tags were expired on my broken down Mustang in the driveway? How were Todd and I going to pay our rent? Also, there was a bill from the phone company, did I know that I had to pay 98 dollars by the 10th, or else…..dial tone?

Trying not to cry, I gave up playing dutiful daughter and told him the rest of it. The bank fees that kept accruing even after I dumped my last unemployment check for $76 to cover the SEVEN CENTS I was overdrawn on, and then finding out that they were charging me $35 because I didn’t put it in the day of the withdrawal, which then caused me to bounce a check. The fact that we didn’t have rent, and Todd was sick again from worrying over bills. I told him about how we each had at least 17 job applications a piece floating around online, that no one had responded to. Oh, and our electricity bill that doubled because they charged us a DEPOSIT for a mistake THEY MADE the month before by taking our payment out of the wrong debit card. I told him about how I found out unemployment was over the day I applied to go to school. How I was out of cigarettes and had drank my last sip of wine the night before. How everyone in the neighborhood who had been our best friends when we had money, were now no where around to pay us even a dollar back of what they owed us. Hell, I let it all out.

After sympathysing with me, he told me my mother wanted to say hello. I got all ready to tell her how wonderful I always thought she was and how much I loved her, and said Hello Mom. She says to me, Well, Lisa! How nice of you to call. It sounds like everything is going so much better for you!  I’m so glad!  

I wanted to laugh out loud and almost did – but then for the grand finale to a perfect day, I didn’t realize  I was laying with my face right next the Fluffy’s ass until the second after he farted in it.   So, I called it a night and went to sleep.

Letters to My Scammers Part DEUX…

Money! So they say, IS the root of all evil tooooday...Pink Floyd...

Money! So they say, IS the root of all evil tooooday...Pink Floyd...

It’s a hard life being the only voice of reason among various feeble-minded bank auditors with money to spare, but alas, no common business sense.  I received 6 or so new business proposals for help with solving the same problem as before, from bank auditors/supervisors (whatever they are) from the coast of Africa and the surrounding terrains. 

This time I selected a few of them who it turns out, not only live extremely close to each other in region but appear to have actually been working in the same Bank of Africa, yet for some reason, never knew the others existed.  It’s a mystery alright.

At least this time, it turns out my new friends want me to contact them before I give them my personal and banking information (which is Step 2) – what a nice touch that is! Gives me a warm fuzzy.

Anyway, like the ones before them, I just did the best I could to help them reach their goals of transporting their millions to America.  Here is proof of my latest efforts:

 

THE LATEST EMAIL I REPLIED TO:

June 21, 2009

Dear Friend,

I am MR DIALO ABRAHAM the manager incharge of bill and exchange department BANK OF AFRICA (B.O.A)

In my department we discovered an abandoned sum of (fifteen million US dollars) . In an account that belongs to one of our foreign customer who died along with his entire family in november 2004 in a plane crash.

 Since we got information about his death, we have been expecting his next of kin to come over and claim his money because we cannot release it unless somebody applies for it as next of kin or relation to the deceased as indicated in our banking guidelines but unfortunately we learnt that all his supposed next of kin or relation died alongside with him at the plane crash leaving no body behind for the claim.
It is therefore upon this discovery that I now decided to make this businness proposal to you and release the money to you as the next of kin or relation to the deceased for safety and subsequent disbursement since nobody is coming for it and I don’t want this money to go into the Bank treasury as unclaimed Bill. The Banking law and guideline here stipulates that if such money remained unclamed after five years, the money will be transfered into the Bank treasury as unclaimed fund.

 The request of foreigner as next of kin in this business is occasioned by the fact that the customer was a foreigner and a Burkinabe can not stand as next of kin to a foreigner.

I decided to make it that 30 % of this money will be for you as my foreign partner, in respect to the provision of a foreign account, 10 % will be set aside for any expenses both of us made during this deal and 60 % will be for me and this 10% is for any expencess from your own side you make and from my own side i make during this deal, and when the fund is transferd we have to reduct the expencess we made from our pocket during this deal first beforec shearing the fund according to the percentages.

Then after I will visit your country for disbursement accoding to the percentages indicated. Therefore to enable the immediate trnansfer of this fund to you as arranged, you must apply first to the bank as relations or next of kin of the deceased indicating your bank name, your bank account number, your private telephone and fax number for easy and effective communication and location where in the money will be remitted .

Upon receipt of your reply, I will send to you by fax or email the text of the application. I will not fail to bring to your notice that this transaction is hitch free and that you should not entertain any atom of fear as I have laymed and noted that there is know risk involved ,you should contact me immediately as soon as you receive this letter.

THANKS
MR DIALO ABRAHAM .
B.O.A (BANK OF AFRICA)

Looks like a mighty big bank to me!

 

 

 

 

 

MY EMAIL REPLY TO DIABLO ABRAHAM: 

 

FW: I THINK YOU SHOULD MEET MY FRIENDS!! 
 
Monday, June 22, 2009 9:06 PM
 
From:  “sayallthewritethings@rocketmail.com” sayallthewritethings@rocketmail.com
 

Hi Mr Abraham,

Just want to say first, that I am familiar with this problem you are having and I want to help in any way I can.

Therefore I would like to introduce you to Mr. Marconi Latin and Ms. Helen Idris, also, believe it or NOT!, managers or supervisors at the Bank of Africa in well.. Africa – just like you are Mr. Abraham!!

Therefore, I have taken the liberty of forwarding your email to Mr. Latin (Marconi) and Ms. Idris (Helen) so that you three can get together and help each other out with getting all the money out of Africa at once.   This problem seems stifling and no one should have to go it alone.

But I have to confess, I don’t quite understand how you don’t ALREADY know each other since you are ALL managers or some type of supervisor at 3 different Bank of Africa’s. And come on, these BOFAF are all located in well… Africa. Surely each bank is aware of the other’s existance. Surely you didn’t think yours was the ONLY one, did you?

I don’t mean to sound harsh but is your country SO backwater that the Bank of Africa doesn’t have an internal office phone system capable of contacting the other brances of BOFAF in Africa? Don’t they even provide an 800 number so the poor managers could call internally to other managers who may have successfullysolved a problem similiar to the one you are all three facing?

Well, I have to admit I know NEXT to nothing about banking. All I can do is the Christian thing and connect you with each other. So this is what I’m doing.

Look, don’t be nervous. I have this feeling that if you put your heads together you could all three put these annoying money problems to rest once and for all.   So Helen and Latin, if you both would please read the attached email from Mr. Diablo Abraham,  where he so openly unburdens himself of his banking troubles – you both would realize you SHARE THE VERY SAME DILEMMA. The conundrum of ALL this extra money and no next of kin for your “scattered dead persons with no living relations” (the multiple plane crashes –  God rest their souls).

So I’ve done all I can do on this end and I sincerely hope this has helped.   Gosh Darn! I feel just like a modern day Harriet Tubman!! LOL

Anyway, you obviously have my email address.  So don’t any of you hestitate to contact me again if I can be of further service.

God Speed! Lisa L

PS – If onlyI had been aware of each of your dilemma’s last week.   I set 2 OTHER gentlemen up (Both from BOFAF, go figure LOL) with each other AND an OIL BARON, richest in his country, he says. PLUS I fixed them up with a steal of a housing deal right here in Sacramento Ca, so they would have a place to stay in America to keep an eye on all that money. Can’t be too careful these days, I know.

LL

 

UPDATE:

Sadly, Marconi’s email from me was returned twice.  I don’t know what manner of bedevilment befell him – perhaps he got lost in that BIG bank in Africa.  God knows it could happen – imagine working there the whole time, at the same time, yet the three of  you were NEVER destined to meet.  Until now! (Cuz of moi:)

BUT I FOUND US A  RINGER!

Thankfully, about a half hour after Marconi abandoned us, Mr. Chan Lee joined us!  It was like a miracle.  Out of the blue here is Mr. Lee’s email delivered to my email as though by the hands of God himself.  And, although Mr. Lee hails from China – Guess what???? He has the SAME money/deadperson plane crash/no family dilemma as everyone else these days.   So below Mr. Lee’s email first and then right after is my excited welcoming email to Mr. Lee:  (I sent him the same email that I sent to Helen and Marconi – the one you just read it a few minutes ago so I didn’t recopy it)

 

MR CHAN LEE’S EMAIL:
Let me guess - Dead rich guy, plane, no family? Yeah, it's going around...

Let me guess - Dead rich guy, plane, no family? Yeah, it's going around...

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Dear Friend,

I bring you greetings.

 
I am Mr. Chan Lee, I work with BANK OF CHINA, HONG KONG. I have a Business Proposal of $17.3M for you to handle with me from my bank. I need you to assist me in executing this Business Project from Hong Kong to your country. The owner of monies died in tragic plane crash, no living relatives found.
 
 
I need to know if you will be able to handle this with me before I explain to you in details. Should you be interested please send me the required information below;
 
(1). Full Names
2).Current Residential Address
3). private phone number,
I will want you to reach me on my private e-mail:
(chanlee58@yahoo.com.hk).
 
Finally after that I shall provide you with more information.
 
Regards,
Mr. Chan Lee

 MY EMAIL TO MR CHAN LEE

 

FW: MR CHAN LEE: PLEASE ADD YOURSELF TO THE WONDER TEAM!!

Tuesday, June 23, 2009 1:42 AM
From:
 
To:
 
Dear Mr. Chan Lee:
 
I am so excited that you contacted me! And just in time.  Allow me to explain.
 
Attached to this email I have sent you are two other emails.  One is a copy of the email you sent me. I wanted to be sure you had yours at your disposal so you could review each and every detail and see that when you compared it with the second attached email  I recently sent to 3 other people (one is no longer with us, sadly), they are  experiencing your exact same financial puzzle you are, right down to the rich guy with no living relatives killed in a plane crash.
 

The only difference from your situation is that these other people hail from the dark coast of Africa.    However, by weird coincidence, they have all been working as auditors at the same fianancial institution, seemingly in the same branch if the addresses on their emails to me are correct, yet they do not appear to have ever heard of each other.  That must be a huge bank is all I can say.

 
Yep, It's a HUGE Bank...

Yep, It's a HUGE Bank...

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Anyway, I think you would be a wonderful addition to this team and I feel confident that  with strength in numbers (3 in this case)  a sound solution will be found for everyone! 
 
Maybe a fresh set of eyes from another country can even help the African auditors to understand and recognize that all of them have worked and are still working at the same bank, and once they acknowledge this as fact, it will be enough where all of you can put that banking brain power together and work out the  next of kin details and GET THAT MONEY MOVING! 
 
Anyway, please take special note as you read over my original email to them that I have experience in helping auditors of this ilk meet and collaborate together for the common good. I recently became an expert in this field only last week, but I feel I truly know the system by now. 
 
Forward this email to Helen and Mr. Abraham  immediately. 
 
 Oh yes, I mentioned that one of the auditors is no longer with us.  It seems that  Marconi has lost his email privileges.  I tried twice to get my original email to  him and it bounced back both times. I seriously hope he didn’t lose his Internet services on TOP of all the stress he was under in his secret corner of the big bank.  I had hoped he would have had the presence of mind to borrow some of HIS dead man plane crash money to pay his Internet bill if this were the case, as i am sure his “deceased” would have not minded at all.  But I haven’t heard from him so I fairly certain that he has backed out for reasons of his own.  Perhaps he is still lost in the bank, big as it is. 
 
So this leaves you, Mr. Abraham and Helen.
 
Good Luck and Fear NOT!  I know you will be successful.  With that money between the three of you, you should be able to afford whatever manner of transportation you deem necessary to haul that loot over to American soil.
 
Maybe we’ll see you at Hooters!!
 
Lisa L.
 
 
 
 
 
SO, DO YOU THINK THIS WILL HELP THEM?

Cute and Cuddly Kitten-Gerbils, Where Can I Get One?

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