FACEBOOK: To de-friend, perchance to block

 

With modern technology the way it is, there is a whole new way to tell someone you used to be friend’s, or lover’s with, to go fuck themselves.

It’s sneaky and covert, and all it takes is a click of a button to oust that person from your public life forum!

It’s happened to me several times already.

Some were former “partiers” I knew in high school, who, having found Jesus late in life, decided that I was a sinner who wasn’t worth having as a friend because they read some risqué quote on my wall. Others were former co-workers that were cutting down their lists and must have decided that we had nothing to say to each other (which was probably true when I worked with them as well – as boring now as they were then). An ex boyfriend whom I broke up with – that makes sense. Once, even my own sister because we had a disagreement about my lifestyle.

Although I sometimes scratch my head and wonder why a certain person all of a sudden decides I’m not friend material, I usually don’t give a crap when I see I’ve been deleted.  After all, it gets tiring trying to come up with cute, yet supportive comments for someone’s ongoing posts regarding their chronic halitosis, and if I no longer have to participate in shit that I could care less about, so much the better.

I too, have ousted people from my list, but for good reason. So far, these people have been psychopathic men who kept sending me suggestive messages, even when they knew I was seeing someone. (Hard to miss because I posted my relationship on my wall!)

But when I oust someone, I choose to block them. I do this for a couple of reasons. First, if you simply “de-friend” someone, you run the risk of them messaging you asking why you de-friended them. I HATE confrontations, and if some loser I ousted doesn’t realize that I was getting sick of his “I know you want me” messages, then I am not going to waste my time cluing him in.

Secondly, there will be none of this “friend/de-friend/friend” drama for me. If I block you from my page, it is an absolute certainty that I have decided we will be having no more conversations in the future, and therefore, I am willing to let you go completely.

I have seen so many cases of “rational” grown-ups who choose to have an “on-again/off-again” face book friendship with people they share nothing but a passive-aggressive relationship with – and it’s retarded!

In my opinion, if you don’t like each other enough to work through your issues without the assistance of the add/delete button, then you really aren’t friends to begin with, are you?

So, have fun with your chronic halitosis updates and  your lewd suggestive messages, I WON’T be seeing you!

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A new Face Book Crap Gift for the religious types

This is for all those religious types that have Face Book pages and want to join the rest of us sinners sending Crap Gifts, but can’t.

Those certain holier than thou types who are  unable to even entertain the horrific thought of sending dead fish, an STD lip, or even a sock puppet to someone on their friends list,  as it goes against their RELIGION –  and all that is Holy.

The ones who somehow know that if they  participate the  normal way, they’ll be going to hell with the rest of us sinners.  And we can’t have that, can we?

But it isn’t really fair to leave them out of the fun of Crap gifts, is it?

No, it’s not. So, I have come up with an idea to combine the Crap Gifts of we common sinners with the piousness of those who love and follow our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ – and ram it down the throats of the rest of us, DAY after DAY after DAY…. 

And, I do this from the heart -  so all the Jimmy Swaggert, Al Sharptons, and  Tammy Faye Baker-wannabees can participate in sending crap gifts in their own personal – and Holy – sort of way, without fear of a firey brimstone retribution when they die.  (That is for the REST of us to bare…). 

So, without further ado, I give you the …..

HOLY CRAP! crap gift… 

holycrapjesus

What do you think? Will it fly at Church Bingo?

Erased book.com

PORTRAIT OF A FACE BOOK LIABILITY...

  

OK.  I know I’ve bagged a LOT on Facebook in the past.     

I’ve called it WASTE book  and MACED book. I’ve picked on the little “fruit fairy” smilies that people obligate each other with – along with complaining about the constant requests from those on my list requesting my  “help” by  sending imaginary livestock to their make-believe farms – requests that still seem truly psychotic to me, but apparently hold perfect logic for those in the final stages of denial.      

And I committed all that sacrilige by adding unflattering photo choppery, to boot.      

I also snidely suggested that someone create a Face Book of the Dead friends list – filled with those who can no longer speak (or request return smilie ) – and, in fact,   can’t do anything BUT help you to look better by increasing the number of “friends” on your list. This, of course, brings a person that kind of popularity – cyberly speaking – that he or she may have never gotten to enjoy in back in highschool.         

BOOKDEAD 

   

And yet – because I’m a study in contradictions, I admit, I unabashedly flaunted that I have no problems whoring myself out for people to add on my friends list.   It’s just like that Jaynes Addiction song – Jayne Says…..”I want him, if he wants me”.   That was all it took – and I rolled around in it, like a pig in shit.      But alas, pride ALWAYS cometh before a fall – chickens  ALWAYS come back to roost,  and my fave – “What you put out in the universe ALWAYS comes back to you.”  And, you’ll know when it’s arrived by the stinging sensation in your anal area.         

 And, today – one hour after bragging to a pissed off gangsta with a flat 40 ouncer and a bad attitude, stalking past my house – that MY face book friends list was a mere THREE names away from reaching the 400 mark – I returned to the website and noticed with a sinking heart that I had been….gulp…deleted by three of them.         

 Yep, that’s right – I’d been REMOVED ON PURPOSE – just like in that South Park episode about Face book.  The one where Stan’s FB stock plummets when he adds Kip Drodry – a kid who didn’t have ONE FB friends on his list for some reason – and then has to drop him in order to gain back his FB street cred.          

 Today, for equally unknown reasons –  I am that person  – KIP DRORDY.  I am that  pathetic little munchkin whose “very existance” depleted the street cred of at last 3 people who once were kind enough to add me and aid me in my quest for Face Book Friends List QUEEN OF THE WORLD! And, I now feel Kip’s pain…      

And, to those 3 people who I thought about maybe NEVER, the ones who so rudely gave me the boot? I still don’t remember who the fuck you are, but I remember I never liked you anyway!  LOL

Spammers have invaded my SPACE BOOK

This is the latest assault of the spammer – FACE BOOK (it figures).  I went to my inbox thinking I had gotten a message from one of the close friends on my list I barely know, but added – because statistically speaking, having nearly 300 face book friends make me look SO COOL – instead, I got this:

isnicenoA

DEAR SPAMMER:

PLEASE ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS FOR ME SO I CAN FINALLY GET SOME SLEEP:

Is there NO place I can be where you DON’T find me? Some place I can feel safe in where I don’t have to worry about you popping out at me like some psychotic Long Duck Dong, to freak me out with your creepy “All is well” Buddha leer? Thanks to the nighttime dreamscapes I see all night long, I’ve had to throw out my incense and my Top Ramen – they remind me of you.

Are ALL of you spammers ASIAN? And if so, are ALL Asians spammers? (Thanks a lot for THAT conundrum keeping me up at night, by the way) And if so, as children were you required to take classes on appearing from thin air to say non-sensical things to the rest of us, using words in sentences that aren’t really words, just made up jumbles of English, Asian and God knows what?

And by the way – if you think I’M going to your blog and read the satanic incantations you call POSTS out loud while clicking your ads, so you can make me summon a demon, you’re crazier than you look…

Fun with Face book applications…

The internet has many different variations of “family tree” makers  floating around in cyberspace these days  – take your pick at any site you end up on.  There must be a demand for them for some reason.  Maybe there’s thousands of people  online searching for any logical explanation that would make sense of the existence of certain morons in the immediate family, or maybe it’s just a  cross word puzzle in pictures for the extremely bored.

I was on Face book minding my own business, ducking hugs, smileys and elf videos – when I was hit out of the blue by the Face Book version called “Family Link”.  It does no good to ignore it – you’ll be continually “virused” by it until you finally stop what you’re doing and take care of your family tree RIGHT THIS INSTANT! So now you have to go to your “friends list” and rifle through all the losers who always ask for money, food, a place to live, bail – you know….AKA relatives…

(Here is the Face Book application logo if you’re interested (or want to avoid it…)

 

 

 

famlinkA

   So next you get to this screen. Let’s take a look at how it’s set up. Drag and Drop Relatives.

 d&d1

 Drag and Drop RELATIVES huh? Hmm… What a great idea!

Put an end to all that “borrowing” and other irritating habits they practice when you’re around – once and for all!

 

 d7d5

Run this by the next irritating relative that corners you to catch you up on the last 10 boring years of his life!

Face book payback – what WOULD Jesus think?

crazysmile

 

Remember that girl in high school who appeared SO perfect she was annoying? 

Pretty, popular, PURE – and a Jesus Freak?  The one who was always going around acting sicky sweet, implying that anyone who wasn’t in the “cool crowd” was in some way lacking? The one who always made you feel like you were going to hell because you didn’t fit her standards?

She had only “the right” friends and her clique changed weekly – depending on the popularity ebb and flo of her peers with the masses.  And everyone else, who NEVER made it into her special little circle was just one in a bunch of nasty hell-bound losers…

Yeah,  she really wasn’t all that nice, was she?  She was the girl who smiled to your face while she plotted to take your boyfriend – then “implied” nasty things behind your back to start rumors and seal up the deal.    Yet she professed to LOVE Jesus and made sure everyone knew it.  In fact she went out of her WAY to “witness” to the “losers”, and forgive them for being losers, yet when she walked away after one of her holier than thou diatribes, all the rest of us could ever remember of the event was that we all smelled an essence of something putrid. 

Wonder whatever happened to that bitch?  She probably got married to some handsome, rich, powerful man –  who ended up leaving her on her 40th birthday for a one-balled transvestite with a bad wig.   Or hopefully she got a case of the crabs from a promiscuous, bisexual pool boy,  and suffered through years of embarrassing itching that never failed to crop up at the most inopportune times.  Who cares now? But… 

Wouldn’t it have been FANTASTIC if you could have set her up on Face book – back when it mattered that you were there to witness it? You could have gotten her on the promise of another opportunity to “look good” preaching the word of God, while secretly feeling more superior than EVER.  It would have gone something like this:

facehide10091

 Now gather together a group of the most cold-hearted, drugged out, crazed, explosive lovin, and/or simply moronic individuals you’ve ever heard of, and bribe them to participate in your little “joke” as “lost souls looking for”JESUS” for a few weeks.   No cash to tempt them with? No problem, a bottle of Jack Daniels should do the trick, or even a box of Zingers, hell  – they probably would do it for free – they find this sort of debauchery fun, fun, fun!   

 facehide10092

Make sure they know if they want that whiskey or those Zingers they’re gonna have to play the “repentant” for a couple of weeks. Then just as Wonder Woman is feeling semi-safe preaching the Bi-Polar Christ to this Motley Crue, and is starting to get that old air of superiority back, call her new “seekers of Christ” and tell them they can turn her out if they want….

 hc1

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

DREAM BIG!

facebook farm town presents: BoCefus the idiot farmer in “A growing misunderstanding with the Law”

Bocefus2

Poor BoCefus.  Not only is the DEA still on his ass over whatever that shit was that  his “cook” Dyna was whippin’ up and selling at the Farm Town Farmer’s Market,  but now he’s really gone to SEED.  See, after the “cooking” incident with Dyna, BoCefus thought he’d just stick to planting and growing his own edibles in the ground – live off his land – to HELL with hiring another cook.  And besides, he LOVES growin’ things.  The problem is he doesn’t have much experience or many “farm” skills.   But someone believed in him enough to give him this nifty facebook Farm Town farm – so he figured he could learn it just like everyone else in Farm Town.  How hard could it be?

Anyway, while he’s waiting for Growing Farm Vegetables for Dummies to come out in paper back,  he’s meets this really cool hippy fella rambling past his farm house one day.   Turns out the guy sells “potted plants” for a living and asks BoCefus if he’d like to buy a couple of “pounds” of his potted plants.  Well, who the HELL doesn’t like potted plants?  After the nice hippy fella assures him that the plants do indeed have colored “flowers”, BoCefus decides to throw caution to the wind and order 400 of them for his farm.

The fella doesn’t have the potted plants on him at the time but tells BoCefus that “Little Hector” will be delivering them to him today at 5 pm.  So after waiting all day for the hippy fella to call him before 5 pm, BoCefus finally gets a message from the fella to meet him in the alley where the Farm Town freeway intersects with the outskirts of Whore Town proper.  BoCefus has never seen anything like the flowers the hippy fells has brought him.  They’re purple, green and brownish and they’re kinda sticky.  They don’t smell too good at first, kinda like a skunk smells after you pop it’s stink sack running it over with your car. But after awhile, surprisingly enough, BoCefus starts feeling light hearted and reflective about his life, and is suddenly cool with  hauling the 400 sticky an heavy “potted plants” home in a plastic Hefty sack.

All that night until the stupid rooster starts in with his screeching, BoCefus carefully arranges the “potted plants” throughout his garden rows.  They look really pretty and somehow just looking at them makes BoCefus kinda hungry…and sleepy at the same time.

That was two days ago – now the god damn Keystone cops are banging at his door again this morning  – this time yelling about his new sticky flowers which are, SURPRISE! illegal, just like Dyna’s Lemon METHerengue pie he tried to gag down last week, with no success.  What the hell? He’s never heard such shit about shit before in his life.

God damn, he better answer the door before they  break it down.  All over a bunch of sticky flowers…Geez…

Face book Farm town theatre: Bocefus – The idiot farmer in “Cookin’ up trouble”

Some mornings you'd just like the rooster to SHUT THE FUCK UP

 Some mornings you wish you’d killed that rooster the night before…
 
I thought we should take Farm Town a bit further, my friends.  Since it’s such a winner with the Face book crowd, and all.  I could tell you stories of their obsession – it’s EVERYWHERE, but I’m not going to. 
 
Instead I present to  you the first episode of “The Misadventures of Bocefus – The Idiot Farmer”.    The nice thing about these Bocefus stories is the picture does the almost all story-telling.  It’s mostly short and sweet.
 
We open with Bocefus looking perplexed and chewing on a weed.  He just “bought” the farm so to speak, but alas, it now looks like he’s been doing some selling he wasn’t aware of. 
 
When he hired Dina (pronounced DIE NA – like the song), he thought he was in for some good old-fashioned down-home cookin’!  You know, fresh eggs and ham, fresh squeezed orange juice, fried chicken – all that farmy crap. 
 
It wasn’t until a neighbor called the local DEA task force to investigate a chemical smell coming from his farm that Bocefus realized he’d been getting quite thin on Dina’s cooking, and he had yet to see an egg – with or without the shell.
 
What will Bocefus do next?  Stay tuned…