Neighborly generosity


My guy and I like to be generous to the people who make up our fair neighborhood – and spread the warm cozy Ned Flanders feeling, whenever we’re able to do so.

We loan out the few odd bucks we have here and there, when we can. We’ve helped the independent business person in our neighborhood by buying his or her goods and wares, if possible.

We don’t do these things for personal affirmations either. You know – so everyone can witness us in our acts of goodness – and pass it on how cool, handsome and monied the white-ass couple down the street is. No, it’s that we really believe in paying it forward as a universal principle – one that should be followed by all who live and breathe. And yet – there’s an even more important reason we help these people who come our way.

We’ve learned over the last couple of years that people, in general, who come to you to borrow money, or implore you to purchase whatever it is they’re selling – tend to pull a vanishing act once you’ve given them whatever it was they came for. And we like that!

The familiar scenario usually goes like this: You’re feeling good about yourself cause you’ve just loaned some money to a sad case who just got laid off, and has three kids. As the “borrower” skips off with a big smile on his face, and your last $100 in hand – you start asking yourself where you know him from. Then it comes to you in a flash – you know him from the “park”. He’s actually a single homeless man with no children, no job that anyone can ever remember him having – and it appears there’s been no soap on his body for awhile too. And $100 buys a LOT of Thunderbird. The odds of him actually appearing at your door the next Monday as promised, are pretty low – unless he pops up to “borrow” some more money so he won’t be evicted from the park, of course.

But the important thing is…he’s gone! That’s what matters.

Here’s another example of the borrower-disapperance theory:

As you step out the door, late again for work, you notice an unkempt psychologically challenged woman with gray hair still in hard plastic Wal-Mart rollers, leaning sideways on a red and black lawnmower – blocking your driveway (the lawnmower, you observe, somehow doensn’t quite fit the “theme” she’s presenting). She’s blocking your car from leaving, and she knows it. As she taps her foot in time to her bobbing head, you finally see that the yellow chick motif on her one remaining bedroom slipper actually matches the soiled pattern on her house dress. The reason you didn’t notice her cool fashion accessorizing before, is because you’ve spent the last 10 minutes trying to avoid the part of her dress from the belly button area on down – it’s easy to see she’s not wearing anything under that house dress – and it’s pretty short on her to begin with. But you need to get to work, and she still refuses to budge an inch. Unless…UNLESS? Yes, go on..

Unless you buy the red and black lawnmower from her for cash. And she’s not leaving for under $30.00. And you have to get to work and she needs to GO. Maybe you can help each other out – you can skip lunch the rest of the week – it’s worth it. So you hand over the $30, and start to wheel the vaguely familiar- looking lawnmower into your garage to look at after work . And as you turn – voila! The lady vanishes… maybe she heard someone found her missing bedroom slipper? Could be! Whatever, Easy breezy, Fugeddaboudit, right?


That night as you’re in your garage looking over your new purchase, it suddenly dawns on you where you’ve seen that lawnmower before. And you’re more than right. It’s only been plastered on BOLO posters all over the neighborhood lately, and discussed on all the local news shows – why, it appears to be a famous lawnmower. Why? Is it a MAGIC lawnmower? Right. Does it talk? Please!

It’s just the lawnmower that’s wanted by the police – it’s that same one a mental case used to chop up a SIKH transvestite into pieces a couple weeks ago. The same mower that seems to have vanished along with the missing psycho tranny-killer. Until now anyway.

And what was the local news saying about the case? Oh yes, that the only clue left at the scene of the crime was some nasty dirty bedroom slipper with a sadass yellow chick appliqued on it. And you pause to contemplate a couple of things: First, how are you going to explain how a murderous lawmower came to be in your possession, and 2: Maybe the red paint on the lawnmower isn’t actually RED PAINT.


Yeah, There’s many reasons certain types of people may decide they have some place to be immediately after they’ve gotten froom you, what they’ve come for. But does the reasons really matter in the scheme of things? Isn’t the fact that they just DO IT the important thing? The end to the means is all we ever ask of them in return.


4 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. thinkinfyou
    Feb 19, 2010 @ 13:32:19

    I think $30 is a cheap price for walking away with your life!!


  2. FreakSmack
    Feb 21, 2010 @ 17:44:27

    I’m with tfu on this $30 for a lawnmowder-er that’s going to be famous, WORTH EVERY PENNY! Immagine what OJ’s isotoners would be worth today… EBAY GOLD BABY!… Ebay gold


  3. surveygirl46
    Feb 21, 2010 @ 18:51:17

    But what normally happens is if you answer your door anytime after 3 am, you pay a really good price to buy your own lawnmower back LOL


  4. Woodsterman
    Feb 21, 2010 @ 19:07:30

    See, beware of geeks barring gwifts.


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