Dressing up Meat Loaf for Halloween!

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Happy Halloween Boys and Girls! I just wanted to drop this almost perfect goody into your virtual TrickorTreat bags before The Great ScumBag (Viacom) discovers people are enjoying LAUGHTER again, and puts an end to that nonsense, once and for all. If you haven’t seen South Park “Ghost Hunters”, you must see this clip – the whole thing is FUN NEEE but the SP crew really has the dramatics of the TV stars of The Ghost Hunters down to a science.  Click on it and it will take you to You Tube to watch it – cheesy I know, but it’s the only option for this clip right now….sorry. 

I know I’m not alone when I say this is the perfect season!  I have a  story to tell you that actually happened on Halloween in 1996. It’s not a figment of my purported photo shop talents, nor is it a product of my warped imagination.  It’s not so much scary, as it is payback.  It’s called –

“Why ALL  kids have stopped trick or treating on El Reno Drive in Chico, California”;

It was a dark and stormy Halloween night. The wind was howling, rain threatened, and it had turned a desolate pitch black suspiciously early that evening –  there was definitely the sound of spirits being summoned…in the form of tequila..What can i say? The whole fam damily was TOGETHER by force, and my husband (now my ex) and I, along with our teenage nephews, had chosen “doorbell duty” over “walking the babies in their costumes for candy”. We needed the booze, and not only that, but we’d had to sneak it in,  since Gospel Granny was visiting and she had an eye for SIN like God Almighty.   Why she had chosen Halloween to visit us was a mystery – unless she just wanted to ruin our fun.  

The “responsible” grown ups (my sisters in law and G G) finally vacated with the family’s rugrats in tow – cheerfully forging ahead on their own too much Hershey’s chocolate highway (pun? GOOD!).  And, since no one had bothered to mention we weren’t having DINNER that night before we agreed to playing gumball bouncers (it’s all for the KIDS you know) – we simply started eating A LOT more candy than we passed out – and of course, we chased each morsel down with another shot of Jose.  So 100 doorbells and 2 hours later, the 4 of us were feeling no pain. As the hour got late and the last of the trick or treaters straggled in, we decided to perform a grand finale in honor of Charlie Brown and The Great Pumpkin – Eddy and his  nephews Joe and Sean, all donned werewolf masks and planted themselves behind the bushes in the yard – and right before tiny hands reached up to ring the doorbell they all three JUMPED OUT yelling BWWWWAHHHH! in male stereo! The  terrified mini Michael Jackson’s, Hilary Clinton’s, and Wal*Mart clad Skeletors reacted in the only way small children knew how to react – by screaming in unison and peeing their Under Roos simultaneously. And as an extra Halloween treat, we got to witness the faces of the by-now FED UP, tired parents, whose attitudes towards us changed as it dawned on them that they had just spent the last 3 hours making sure little Susie or Bobby was dressed to the NINES! – and for what? For the near heart attack perpetuated by a FOUR DRUNK GROWN UPS WHO SHOULD KNOW BETTER THAN TO PLAY THE FOOL AND RUIN THE KIDDIES NIGHT OF GHOULISH FUN! Oh yeah, that, and the pathetic reward of ONE sorry piece of dried up candy corn tossed carelessly into the plastic Jack o lantern basket being  gripped tightly by their pissed off and pissey smelling roleplaying  tot…BOO! hoo…. 
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So as the night wears on,  our supplies of candy corn and tequila dwindles –  along with what’s left of our collective good mood.  We decide to pack it in and get the hell out of Dodge before we have a run in with OUR personal onslaught of tired parents, cranky kids and Gospel Grannies.  We start cleaning up the evidence or our Satanic shenanigans, and start shutting down the house.  And then…the doorbell rings…once…

Eddy yells out  “Sorry, candy gone, Happy Halloween! Time to go home!”  Nothing.  A doorbell dash? Hint taken? Oh well, silence anyway –  good, they left.  I look out the window – pitch black and dead as a grave yard.  We get back to business.  Two minutes later the door bell rings again.  Once.  Joe shouts out the window “the candy’s gone!  Go to the house next door”.  This time we hear the voices of boys –  BIG boys – ” Trick or treat mother fuckers! What’s it going to be?  TRICK…or treat?”   Sean opens the door.  Say hello to three 18-year-old-ish high school kids holding Pale Ales, decked out in Rite Aids finest brand of Depends knock off adult briefs, and wearing their grandma’s support stockings for masks.  Masks that do absolutely nothing to hide their zits.    The biggest loser – the one wearing the EXTRA roomy Depends, speaks up, “We’re not going nowhere – We know you got munchies and booze – we was watching you  from across the street”.  “We want some and our parents aren’t home, so we got all night to annoy the shit out of you”.    
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Eddy was a person who used to openly pray for some poor idiot to car jack us on the road; just so he’d have an excuse to inflict severe bodily harm on someone.  He wasn’t someone to mess with.  Sneers at these morons…”Do you want your head or your balls ripped off first?  Your call..”  The middle spoiled brat –  Baby Huey whines, “We’re just KIDS. My dad’s a cop! We’re not hurting anyone. You lay one hand on us and we’ll have your ass for inflicting harm on a minor”. Eddy, who wasn’t society’s darling to begin with, says “ok you win, wait right here” and closes the door fast.  Always the supportive wife, I lovingly ask, “What are you AFRAID? Of 3 junvenile assholes in granny diapers?”  No, he reminds me, I’ve got WARRANTS! Remember? …Oh, yeah…He smiles, “but I’ve got an idea”.  He instructs Joe and Sean to fish around in the fridge and look for last weeks meatloaf.  Hopefully their Mom hadn’t thrown it out yet.  Is it there?  Yes?  GOOD!  And it’s starting to smell a little ripe – better yet!  We hear  pounding on the front door, and then the bell going off non-stop.  These wastes of space are really getting annoying.  Where the hell is Gospel Granny with the brood?  Probably lost somewhere. Shit! I  just remember I work at 5 am the next day and I’d be seeing a whole lot more of those adult diapers –  in less than pristine condition.  Hospital work was never pleasant and worse with a hangover.  Suddenly my patience with these snotnosed brats is GONE!   “Sean, have you cleaned out the cat box yet?” “Nooo..” Sean sulkily admits.  GREAT! Eddy smirks at me –  “Go get a handful of cat turds – mix the fresh ones up with the dried ones”… I’m starting to catch the groove – “Should we grab some of that fragrant “kitty litter” as a gourmet coating for the meatloaf?” “YEP!”  Joe’s already on it! 
meatloaf
 

 

I go to the door and announce to the three future recipients of prison lovin’ that we were gathering together some home made goodies – freshly cooked meatloaf in fact!, and some gourmet chocolates – we don’t want trouble, just please go away…”   The leader of the zits smiles through his Hanes control top pantyhose, “Now you’re talking!”  Telling them I’d be right back, I shut the door and help the family prepare the “special” meal.  Old meatloaf is loving rolled in a juicy brown gravy of water and Buggy the cat’s TURDS (fresh AND old) and then coated in their gourmet topping of “kitty Rocha” handcrafted by Buggy and her kittens.  For the “chocolates”, we repeat the rolling of POO receipe – without the meatloaf this time – and make them into tiny balls which we then wrap into empty Branch’s candy wrappers.  Liquid libations?  Almost forgot.  Fish the tequila bottle out of the garbage, wash it off,  and let Joe and Sean relieve their bladders into it.

Special meal for special guests planned, carried out, wrapped up and ready to go!  We open the door and hand them a triple-bagged sack of “goodies”.  “Remember to heat that meatloaf up in the oven at 450 for about 20 minutes.  Oh, and the candy tastes best if you refrigerate it first.  Oh yeah, one more thing.  We want  you boys to have the rest of our tequila!  Hope you don’t mind, it’s been sitting out so it’s a bit warm!  But it’s tequila!  It might be a tad strong…

The whiny brats eyes light up and they snag the sack and the bottle!  “Thanks old folks!” the cop’s son chortles as they saunter away into the night.  We can hear bits and pieces of their conversation in the distance –   “I can’t believe that worked AGAIN!.  We should do this every Halloween”.  I’m hungry and that meatloaf’s smellin’ good!  Pass me that bottle….
catturds
Money spent on tequila for four – $28.  Out of pocket for ALL that halloween candy we ate – Nothing, we stole it from the kids. Total time spent dealing with toddlers, bitchy parents, know it all tough guy zit boys, nursing a massive hangover and trying not to gag on the smell of old butts the next day at work – It seemed like 5 years but it was probably only 48 hours if that. Time it takes for a story like this to lose it’s savor – Still waiting…  

Oh by the way, those kids? We never heard anything about that incident, or heard from them –  ever again.  (But I think we may have been naive to place so much confidence in our cooking abilities…). 

Happy Halloween!!

 

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10 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Drop Shop
    Oct 16, 2009 @ 08:37:18

    Meat Loafed’s unforgettable ballads and rock duets have gotten him to superstardom and you can get concert tickets today to see him live. Drop Shop

    Reply

    • surveygirl46
      Oct 16, 2009 @ 09:16:08

      I’m SO glad you took the time to read my post in it’s entirety. By your comments it appears that you DO KNOW MEATLOAF! But I’m curious as to which, if any, Meatloaf song was playing in your head when you got to a certain part in the post where you realize that meat loaf has been trapped in a stinky fridge for over two weeks. Did you envision, in your mind’s eye meat loaf growing moldier day by day. Did you SEE in your mind’s eye meat loaf growing moldier and more despondent every day? Did your heart ache knowing that meat loaf most likely never even came remotely close in guessing what kind of END Fate has in store for him? I’m guessing that even a songwriter of MeatLoaf’s magnitude would be hardpressed to come up with the right words in a ballad to express the desolation one feels in finally escaping the fridge to FREEDOM – only to caught again – sliced up, rolled in putrid cat shit, coated in used kitty litter, and handed over to 3 asshole teenage boys whose intent is to heat him up at 450 degrees and consume him with a bottle of Heinz ketchup like some Meat/Poop burrito – one that even AM/PM wouldn’t feel right selling to innocent consumers. Well, there’s only ONE MeatLoaf song I know of that even comes close to accurately protraying such lonely feelings of hopelessness and the sudden obsessive urge to commit suicide – and that song could only be “Praying for the End of Time”. So my point is this: If you think the Meat Loaf I got to know personally that fateful Halloween, will be giving a public concert on this planet anytime soon, I’d advise you to confirm his physical whereabouts before selling tickets for something that probably won’t ever happen again. IF there even WAS anything left of poor Meatloaf from that fateful night, and i’m sure his experience was BEYOND ketchup-curdling, it’s probably correct to assume he’s way beyond moldy by now. So telling fans that they can buy tickets to see him LIVE is probably stretching it a bit. The best they’re gonna get these days, if anything AT ALL, is witnessing the patheticness of the left over meat loaf from that night – and I’m guessing this meat loaf will be nothing more than a worked over, horrible smelling, jaded, pyschologically destroyed piece of bargain bin chuck that most likely has nothing left to sing about…

      Reply

  2. thinkinfyou
    Oct 16, 2009 @ 16:27:07

    LOL! I believe you guys are the reason people have to check their kid’s candy before they are allowed to eat it!

    Reply

    • surveygirl46
      Oct 17, 2009 @ 01:33:57

      Yes, exactly! Let that be a lesson to anyone who tries to leave their unruly rug rats with me for over 10 minutes. Take them away and send them back when they’re of drinking age and can be some use to me LOL

      Reply

  3. FreakSmack
    Oct 16, 2009 @ 19:11:07

    Ha, I haven’t read the post yet, I always read the comments first, and even I know it’s not going to be about Meat Loaf. Why don’t you use the South Park clips from SouthParkStudios.com? They let you use all the clips you want. Like this one with my boy Butters
    http://www.southparkstudios.com/clips/251900

    Reply

  4. FreakSmack
    Oct 17, 2009 @ 00:01:23

    Eww, you touched poop…

    Reply

  5. Edgefly
    Oct 25, 2009 @ 10:05:54

    I was looking at my calendar on my iphone, and I was wondering how far back in the past this thing can go, and how far in the future it can go as well. Anyone want to help me out?

    ________________
    unlock iphone 3g

    Reply

  6. surveygirl46
    Oct 25, 2009 @ 17:56:21

    Hey EdgeFly…

    This is 2009 – almost November …you’re on the INTERNET camped out at a WordPress blog named
    after “the anally inteserted”. Your’e leaving Twilight Zone comments about time travel on a post
    dedicated to the fine art of rolling moldy meatloaf in catlitter and handing it out to trick or treaters
    on Halloween……

    When the crew of the Heaven’s Gate spaceship left for their planet a couple
    decades ago, I think maybe a few parts of you were left behind on earth…
    I’d be pissed if i were you..

    Reply

  7. DenzelWOl
    Nov 02, 2009 @ 06:05:47

    Hey everybody, Happy late Haloween(: !

    Reply

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