People watching in traffic cheers me UP!

 

  

THINGS THAT MAKE YOU

GO….

 

things

 

 

Wednesday night after work and I’m freakin’ TIRED.

I logged about 5 MILES on my feet traipsing from department to department in a 5 story VA Hospital.  My job, along with 3 other women on conflicting menstrual cycles, involves measuring rooms with a groovy little laser, gathering data about every nook and cranny in every room, and apparently yesterday I had the added job duty of fending off the sexual advances of horny old VA coots smoking while wearing their O2 tanks as they waited for the commuter bus back to whatever Militia camp they were residing in this month.  (I knew wearing my underwear outside my jeans with boots was a BAD idea – THANKS FOR THE FASHION ADVICE T.F.U.!!) 

Thank God i didn't wear the Granny panties...

Thank God i didn't wear the Granny panties...

  

To top it all off, Todd was an hour in picking me up due to the heavy traffic – so I had to cool my heels, so to speak in an empty and dirty engineering department parking lot, pretending to be on the phone whenever someone trudged by who looked like they wanted to chitchat.  I was in NO MOOD for people.

All that changed on the drive home.  Todd and I went grocery shopping at a local SAVE MART (which i vowed to never enter again based on my new “anti fat-bitchy-cashier” policy, but we were hungry.  $125 later (they should change their name to SPEND MAX by the way) we were on our way home when the following  2 characters bounced into view:

gps

 

  

  

 No, not the fat Wal*Mart poster-model for stretch pants pushing the cart with her mutated and saggy second hand TFU knock-offs – but the classssssssy mama behind her.  The one walking her kid on a LEASH. (Sorry – cuz i haven’t learned to photoshop photo stilled action figures onto street scenery yet, you’ll have to use your imagination when I say she was walking down a skanky street with junior in the lead – pun GOOD – jumping and leaping like a bullfrog on meth – which he might have been since they start young around here.)  Seeing a spectacle like that is what made me realize that I was almost ….home.  I sighed ..not with relief but with resignation.  Anyway, back to the toddler-walker. 

I shook my head in disbelief how anyone could lead an obviously innocent ADD-riddled CHILD around on a leash but I laughed at them anyway – compassionate soul that I am.  I was waiting for Mom to take Junior to the nearest fire hydrant to relieve himself, and was thinking about asking Mom if she was into selling any of Juniors adderall,  when a small rundown car almost knocked us out of our lane as it went screeching out of the back parking lot of SAVE MART.  I looked over at the driver to give him the universal finger wave, but stopped mid-bird as I realized i couldn’t see past all the undulating bags of  Lays Potato chips that were partially obscuring the driver’s face. Apparently the old Lay’s Potato commercials left something out – Although some people can’t “eat just ONE”,  there are some people who can’t eat just ONE or FIVE BAGS.  :

  

Apparently no one can eat just one....BAG...
This is my photo-shop best I could provide for a visual since I didn’t have a camera at the time.  DAMN!

The driver was a woman.   A woman SO BIG  she was slammed up against her car window –  fat arms pumping and sweating as they worked overtime to cram chips down her throat like she had 5 minutes to eat before the end of the world.  She continued to chow down chips like an crazy, possessed lawnmower – cutting off traffic as she switched lanes and changed empty  Lay’s bags for new ones, in her huge rush to where? Home? To a husband who would be mad if he caught her cheating on her diet? By the ferocious look of a rabid dog coloring her face as she downed poor innocent spuds (who didn’t deserve to go out that way),  I would guess that if she WAS married her husband wouldn’t be up to “telling” this mama to do anything. 

So Todd and I went over what we each thought her story could be.  Todd came up with a sure  Pulitzer Prize novel that began “Once upon  a ti….. O My God she’s fucking HUGE!” 

Heres mine.  I called it Driving Miss Lazy:  Once upon a time, there was a large lazy woman who loved nothing except eating food. At home, at the doctors, at funerals – and especially while she was in her car. She sells her welfare stamps half price to crack dealers for the cash to eat fast food at least 6 times a day and is so obsessed with food that “exercise” is now a word she doesn’t recognize.

One day she reasons to herself that since she really doesn’t care to move around at all – except to go to where food is-  she’d just get her insurance to pay for one of those cool JAZZY scooters – Just like her heros drive around in on those late night infomercials.  Then she could live out her dream of doing nothing but rolling around all day in style – to wherever there was food for the taking.   Like her ass,  she had BIG dreams.   She planned to parade “jazzy-classy” to the neighborhood grocery stores, cut off cars in the fast food drive thrus, run over old lady’s at farmers markets who were looking at the cake she had her eyes on.  She even planned to bump the bums out of line at The Jesus Center, and invade their dumpsters for half eaten but still tasty donuts.

But THEY shot her dream DOWN!  Those stupid bitches at Med I CAL denied her claim for a jazzy because they said  she didn’t meet the criteria of “handicapped”.  They told her that laziness wasn’t a chronic disease.  Well!  If those assholes were going to deny her her right to a  Jazzy, why she’d just CREATE one instead, and show those fools a thing or two about Fatass Trailer Sass!

 So for 3 months she does nothing but eat, drive, eat, drive, drive, eat, drive eat – oh and of course she rolls to the mailbox for her welfare check on the first of every month an even manages to bring in some extra cash by sneak attacking unsuspecting passers-by in deserted alleys by night.  Throwing her massive body down on them as they amble by, she steals their wallets for the cash after they are knocked out cold by her gelatinous mass of flesh. (A couple of them die, but its a worthy sacrifice for her DREAM!).  She continues to eat, drive, mug, drive, mug an eat.  She takes no showers, has no fresh clothes.  She poops and pees in the considerable collection of empty Almond Rocha cans and pringles chip containers that litter her car floor –  then donates the filled cans to food drives for the poor. 

Finally another month goes by and she’s nearly TOO fat to leave her tiny pathetic car.  She vows her next step will be to park this rolling foodmobile in the Save Mart parking lot the following  Monday.  Once there, she will eat more food, making an even BIGGER spectacle of herself, and demand the local news crews be notified of her plight.  She will show those Med I Cal ASSHOLES who they’re messing with and make them PAY for having denied her the unalienable right to be fat and lazy in America!

She will eat, yell, piss and poop.  And grow and grow and grow until MED I CAL is publicly shamed into paying for her new Jazzy.  If they refuse she makes a vow to  double down the goodies at an even faster rate of speed, until she expands to a size so big she explodes everywhere and on everyone in the Save Mart parking lot.  Going out with a bang for her cause…so to speak.  

After a dramatic pause,  I ask Todd what he thinks of my story.  He looks at me and doesn’t hesitate as he rips the two vanilla cream- filled Zingers I just unwrapped, out of my hands and pitches  them out the car window.  (Its ok, i have a box hidden)

Do you think I should pitch this idea to Lifetime television?

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17 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Trackback: People watching in traffic cheers me UP! | Insurance mesothelioma structured settlement tax attorney student loan consolidation home loans refinancing home equity line of credit
  2. Trackback: People watching in traffic cheers me UP! | Adobe Tutorials
  3. Trackback: People watching in traffic cheers me UP! | Fa.shion.me
  4. surveygirl46
    Oct 08, 2009 @ 06:04:33

    Since all three of these finereputable magazines saw fit to reference my work in thier fine journals, i thought the least i could do was THANK THEM publicly, and hope that they know they webcrawled a nasty sarcastic post bagging on the massively-challenged. – somehow i don’t think Adobe Tutorials will get any kudos on showing photoshopped fat women munchings, but then i may be wrong…

    Reply

  5. thinkinfyou
    Oct 08, 2009 @ 12:13:40

    That story was incredible,and really changed my life. I have a box of Raspberry Zingers I was going to eat half of today. After reading your cautionary tale, I trashed them!

    Reply

  6. FreakSmack
    Oct 08, 2009 @ 20:29:59

    Do you get any traffic from those sites?

    Tfu – pass me the raspberry zingers – They fuckin rock!

    Reply

  7. surveygirl46
    Oct 10, 2009 @ 00:52:27

    No. I guess what happens is that Google gives us “pingbacks” now – so these guys are different from the “spammers”; these are those poor blog writers who agreed to the pingbacks? maybe? and don’t know what they are in for…. I did get someone checking out my blog from adobe reader LOL – yesterday…

    Reply

  8. Woodsterman
    Oct 10, 2009 @ 15:15:06

    LL, don’t be so hard on yourself, you’ll get that Jazzy … LOL Oh, chocolate rules!

    Reply

  9. Lazy Cash Course
    Oct 12, 2009 @ 10:24:33

    Top Information Thanks

    Reply

  10. Mackenzie
    Oct 20, 2009 @ 01:25:18

    Hey!
    Maybe you no see Mackenzie Phillips Nude!!!

    http://mackenzie—phillips-nude.blogspot.com/

    Mackenzie Phillips,Mackenzie Allen Phillips,Nude Mackenzie Phillips,Mackenzie Phillips Nude,Nude Pictures Of Mackenzie Phillips

    Reply

    • surveygirl46
      Oct 20, 2009 @ 01:57:41

      Dear Mr. Mackenzie Phillips nude.blogspot.com Spammer –
      Thank you for you for reading my post and attempting to stir up my fantasy life.

      However, in regards to your comment I’m a bit confused as to your intentions. Are are you “offering” to let me see “Miss Philips” in the nude? Or are you teasing me by “implying” you have the “goods” so to speak but “maybe I no get to see Ms. Phillips Nude?”!

      I’m hopin…guessing that it’s Explanation #2 and I’m fine with that. You guessed right, I don’t DESERVE to see Ms. Philips in the nude – I like to take pictures of unsuspecting fat people sucking up their third JUMBO size bag of Lays, as they haul ass and endanger innocent pedestrians, in their frantic dash to get home to Sara Lee before they have dinner. Yep, i’m a chubby tater chaser..

      So I guess I will have to just live with the fact that some of the finer things in life are just not meant to be for this poor loser. I will cry myself to sleep tonite, knowing I have only myself to blame for yet another dream dashed to pieces like a trailer chamber pot!

      Reply

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