Facebook of the Dead

Finally, the ultimate way to beef up your appearance of Face book popularity WITHOUT the annoying “promise to check in regularly and pretend to care about your problems” communication agreement we all enter into unspoken, with each new “friend” that’s added to our Friends list. That’s not including exchanging those damn smileys either.

Here today, I am presenting: Face Book of the Dead



Wouldn’t this just be the coolest, if most politically incorrect, Face book  Friends list ever?   

Think about it.  Facebook is really nothing more than a giant cyber-slam book in which millions of people all over the globe frantically hurry to connect with people they’ve never met, always hated or even tried killing in the past – all in the name of popularity and connection status.   The upside of Face book is it’s really easy to find people you hadn’t thought of since you gave them a wedgie every Monday all four years of  high school. On the downside – some of them actually expect you to conversate with them once in a while – AND send those stupid smileys.  What an incovenience to your already hectic schedule!

The Face book of the Dead Friends list could change the way we pretend to be interested in other people for the sake of our own agenda and eradicate the headaches of Popularity Upkeep forever!  The ease of collecting “dead friends” and the new program  benefits should be obvious to anyone who can count to 10 and read See Spot Run, but for the rest of you, here’s a How-to rundown:

Check Internet, TV and Radio newscasts every day for updates on a list of dead or dying celebrities. (Yes! B movie stars like Shirley Jones and Yasmin Bleeth count too!)

Check Face book’s Face book of the Dead new arrivals list.  (It’s an application you’ll be able to add on invisibly, so it won’t be advertized on your Profile that you’re a heartless, cold asshole – even though you really are!)

When you see a dead celebrity on the new arrival list and you want to add them as a friend, it’s simple!  FIND EM’, CLICK EM’ and FORGET EM’.  It’s that easy.  They’ll automatically be added to your list in a “special group” subcatagory.  

And don’t be hasty and reject adding Carot top in death,  just because you hated him in life. A Face book friend is a number is a number is a number and NUMBERS add up! Plus you won’t have to worry about keeping in regular contact with any of them.  Whenever you check in, even 10 years from the day you added them, they’ll be doing the exact same thing they were doing before – nothing!  And NO special hugs, greasey licks, skid marked troll sprinkles or ANY of that bullshit that  you have 48 hours to return before being labled a Face book LOSER. 

And extra friends, no matter what the source,  are sure to make you look like one cool Face book jazz cat…

Don’t take my word for it though…see for yourself.

Just Check, Click, Add, Forget!  and you’re on your way to being the member with the most friends on his Friends list – even if a few of those friends are rather stiff and boring…



8 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. FreakSmack
    Aug 05, 2009 @ 06:35:56

    Thank God I never joined.


  2. surveygirl46
    Aug 05, 2009 @ 07:04:41

    I don’t know FS, it’s kind of fun to go in under invisible and check out how many cheerleaders from your old HS have gotten “Chucky Cheezy” LOL


  3. thinkinfyou
    Aug 05, 2009 @ 15:21:37

    I’m a non facebooker too!


  4. Shittry Truth
    Aug 08, 2009 @ 20:17:01

    So, I would love to know what happened to the ‘taco dog’ as you call it? Was that not the best taco bell marketing ever? I still have like all the stuffed ones that say Spanish catch phrases when you squeeze them.

    And FYI, I happenned to have had sex with a girl soon after meeting her where??? FACEBOOK… and she was definitely like a solid 7… so it isn’t all bad. Maybe it a generation thing…


    • surveygirl46
      Aug 09, 2009 @ 00:05:49

      Ok first of all the Taco Bell dog broke my heart when 1. I found out she wasn’t even a male and 2. She had a girl’s name and it wasn’t even Rosarita, Consuelo, Maria or even Taquita. When they told us to “think outside the bun” they were asking a lot in my opinion. But although Taco Bell remains one of my extreme dining pleasure experiences, I have to remember they were the ones that put out the BELL BEEFER (you;re WAY too young to remember that – but YOUR parents may have had a couple with a few Bottles of Ripple and some Ted Nugent in back ground the night you were conceived – one can never tell these things.

      Facebook dating, DATING face book…..Hmmmmmm. You were extremely lucky to have either met someone A. Just like you but in female form and B. That she didn’t end up face stalking you. Generation thing? Nah, a psyho is a psycho my young strong bull male friend. Let me tell you a little story.

      I am not a jealous girl by nature. Having lived THIS long i truley believe people are people no matter where they live or what they’re upbringing. You come to this world already “being” of a certain mind set in certain things. yes, i’m a slob when it comes to clothes on the floor and i can’t cook -i’ve poisoned a few people with my Ramen in fact- I think more like a philosopher when it comes to people and i know you can;t trust most women as far as you can throw them. BUT, i am not jealous by nature. My first “serious boyfriend” when i was 17 was so obsessed with me that i used to pretend i had to pee every 5 minutes to get away from his clingyness at parties. When he lit his hair on fire in front of my window I was SO GLAD it wasn’t 10 years in the future and me barefoot, pregnant again and SADDLED the hell down with a man as unstaable as a fault line in SF. he stalked me for 2 years after that – i laughed about it when i should have been scared. Luckily, i talked one of my firends into making up a phony obit on me and mailing it to him. That stopped the stalkings. Until 5 years later when i ran into him in downtown Sac and had to explain to him what i was doing back from the dead. Anyway, my point is – you got lucky…..With the advent of the cyber era people can seriously track and hurt you or at least annoy the hell out of you a lot easier UNLESS you date a girl from the DEAD list…..


      • Shitty Truth
        Aug 09, 2009 @ 00:45:17

        In my opinion you have the same chance of meeting a pycho on the Internet as you do anywhere… I’d say most girls turn out to be crazy if you know them for long enough anyway… So sometimes the Internet makes the selection process a bit easier.

        Yes, with Facebook its possible you’ll meet some psycho stalker girl and also this could happen at a club… However, one thing myspace has over facebook is that things seem to be a bit more legit. Usually if a person has a facebook page, they have all their friends attached to it, and you know some of their friends (and thus that’s how you found them in the first place)…

        With facebook, its not like you just meet someone TOTALLY random and they turn out to be a serial killer or something. It’s more like someone knows someones who knows someone who knows this person, and now maybe you have gotten a chance to communicate with this person, where as you may have never actually gotten to meet them out in the real world.

        and no matter how hard i try, I could never write as much as you just did!

      • surveygirl46
        Aug 09, 2009 @ 00:55:14

        Ah but i like to hear my own words my young friend, AND i like to banter with those who can form complete sentences – since no one else was around at the time, i had to make do with you. LOL just kidding.

        I know a psycho is a psy is a et ;et et, and you’re right MOST WOMEN ARE crazy after you know them long enough, it’s because they are REPRESSED. This is why although i am nice to everyone, i dont have THAT many female close friends – when theyre not backstabbing they’re being needy like a boyfriend.

        I just wanted to give some shit to Face book – see i’m learning to photoshop and face book is such an easy target! I have a face book account too. My name is Lisa …I am a closet Face booker LOL….

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