Help Me Pick My New Hovel…

 How could anyone expect us to kick THIS face to the curb?

Older now, 50 lbs heavier.  When he growls you swear there’s a pack of werewolves on your ass.  But we did all we could;  we named him FLUFFY for chrissakes.  



As of Friday July 17th, approximately 11:45 am, upon opening the cheapass door to our apartment we found it.  The eviction notice.  We have 30 days to get the fudge out of dodge…or suffer the consequences (whatever those are). 

We knew it was coming – management had let us slide in keeping the dog just long enough for me to fall as completely in love with his antics, his canine kindness, his cute  little face and those floppy ears, as Todd is and was since the day I ran over him with my car.  Hey, don’t JUDGE!  You try to make out a puppy’s terrified squeals amidst the terrified satanic squeals of James Hetfield – I mean Metallica ROCKS played through the kickass car stereo in my  Mustang. 

But I am not here to discuss the Fluffster at this moment.  I am here because I need your opinion on the 3 contenders I have lined up for our next abode. 

Before you start drooling with envy in regards to the manse you’re envisioning me moving into, allow me to elaborate:  I got divorced 2 years ago and I’m in the midst of a bankruptcy.  My credit sucks.  I’m on unemployment.  Todd is just starting to work again after being so sick last year AND his experience is in construction – which is feeling the pinch of the economy too.  Oh did I mention the 60 lb pit bull who’s STILL not full grown is a vital part of our family?

So based on these encouraging statistics I figure we have about 3 choices of places in which to hang our hats.  And they ain’t pretty. So here they are, along with the pros and cons of each. Please pick your favorite and tell me why it’s the best abode for us:

#1 – The Loathe Shak






PROS:  Open air.  Not a lot of neighbors.  Visions of love-making under the stars in cow poop.  If those nifty blankets come with it we wouldn’t have to buy carpets.  Fluffy could run and shit wherever he likes. Bill collectors probably won’t find us.

CONS: No internet. No electricity. No water. No food availability (except for the grass). Our 42″ big screen TV would topple the place the instant we attempted to hang it on the wall.  Emergency crews probably won’t find us.

#2 – Bridge over troubled blogger






PROS: The fire place looks centrally located. There’s already an established rock garden.  Already painted and decorated by previous owner. (Is that a Thomas Kincade on the mantle above the fireplace?)  Room for plenty to stay over on those drinkin’ nights – just pick a pebble and pass out!  Todd could scream at his online Call of Duty cronies all night long – the sounds would blend in perfectly with the person getting stabbed on the other side of the bridge. Looks like there might be (stagnant) water. Circle K to panhandle at conveniently located within a half mile. 

CONS: No internet. No electricity. (This means no playstation 3 and a grump) Fluffy could run into the a really big dog carrying a weapon who doesn’t want to play. Rocks aren’t that comfortable. Only one wall.  ANY one can just drop in for a visit.


#3 Dumb and Dumb-ster

view #1 is from the side

view #1 is from the side

view #2 is from what i consider the front door

view #2 is from what i consider the front door

This dumpster on it's side kind of changes the look to that of "box" car

On it's side this dumpster's look takes on that of "box" car...I kind of like it...

PROS: Open air (in a dumpster that’s a PLUS). Furniture fits in there – see for yourself! If  I can keep all garbage out I can keep us from contracting  “oops I accidentally ate dumpster lettuce – hepatitis”.  We can watch the planes fly over at night. Based on the photo of the furniture dumpster, it appears as though we’d be located in the parking lot behind a business – McDonald’s  or Taco Bell would be nice. If I can get a WIIFI card I bet I can steal the internet from some noon day BigMac macker at least 3 times a week. Although I really like the looks of the boxcar dumpster, the location of the furniture dumpster is perfect!  Fluffy won’t be able to jump uninvited into our bed as easily, but he will be in the perfect position to effectively beg for scraps.
CONS: People staring at you in your living room as they munch McNuggets on the way to their car.  Trash thrown on you. The possibility you might be dumpster-dove on one night, or hauled away by a BIG truck one Friday at 9 am. Just me and Todd and the TV that never works….day into night after day into night …..Overhead helioCOPters can definitely locate our whereabouts from the air. People watching us have sex.  Fluffy might decide to take off with the first customer that throws him a McRib.
Your opinion is officially sought, and I need to make a decision within 27 days. Please study these carefully before making your selection.   We will pick the abode based upon the one that receives the most votes..
By the way…Thanksgiving is at our ….shak, lean-to, dumpster this year.  Just bring the Yoo Hoo, we’ll provide the roaches..

6 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Thinkinfyou
    Jul 20, 2009 @ 17:27:05

    OK,this is just an idea that I came up with that just might work. Ya’ll could soak up the sun for the next twenty-seven days,lose your SS#s,and reinvent yourselves as Juan and Conchita Martinez from Mexico. Then throw Fluffy in a poncho and claim him as you slow but lovable son Hector. Go down to your local human services building and start saying Casa,mi familia needs casa. DON’T TAKE NO FOR AN ANSWER! If they try to turn you away,act like you don’t comprehend what they are saying….it could work!


  2. surveygirl46
    Jul 20, 2009 @ 17:44:16

    Perfect idea! I still have the poncho from our “Smear the taco on the booty” sex weekend…I’ll let you know how it goes LOL


  3. Mr Condescending
    Jul 20, 2009 @ 21:54:23

    Shit SG, I wanted you to do my “be my guest” task, but it might be too late 😦

    Just get into community housing and live it up!


  4. surveygirl46
    Jul 20, 2009 @ 23:25:53

    No i can still help you do it…what do i do? i’ve been busy lately checking out housing etc and writing “serious articles”…I can still help you with whatever..just let me know..


  5. FreakSmack
    Jul 21, 2009 @ 04:12:18

    Wow, I was going to recommend the bridge, but then I remembered MiAnnus


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