How to Increase Your Blog Traffic by Tricking Readers into Visiting Your Blog

 

Here are my observations (and instructions) on how to get readers to click on your blog and increase it’s traffic! (Please feel free to use this idea to increase your personal blog’s traffic, if you wish):

First, I list my humor blog on every blog directory I can find. I also post it to Cancer Survivor support group blogs and Families of missing/murdered children national support blogs.  I justify it this way – I figure if you’re DYING or dealing with the DEATH of a loved one you’d welcome the distraction – although I do tend to stay away from the blogs where perverts might hang out as I don’t want to distract them anymore than they already are.

Next, because I suffer from a severe lack of self-confidence, and automatically assume that no one will would want to read my dribble voluntarily, I start my blog description with a lie that goes something like this:

“The family of this blog author is sad to report the unexpected and tragic suicidal demise of (fill in the blank) on (month-date-year), that occurred after a brief but severe depression. In an effort to educate the public on this growing epidemic, the family has graciously agreed to share their private agony with the world. They feel if this prevents just one more family from experiencing the nightmare of a loved one’s suicide due to the untreated mental conditions of low self-esteem and self -pity, the reliving of their pain will have been worth it 1000 times over – The following is an excerpt from the author’s last desperate message (along with a link for the suicide video in it’s entirety) to a world that had gone deaf to his pleas for validation.”

Then I post the “author’s excerpt”. It reads something like this, “because I was ignored by a cold and uncaring world, I was forced to film my suicide for posterity and make EVERYONE who views it feel horrible and sorry about what THEY DID TO ME!” , along with a link readers will assume take’s them right to the You Tube page that contains the video.

Are you happy you cold unfeeling assholes?

Are you happy you cold unfeeling assholes?

 

 

 

 

 

Now because I already know that this link will be worn out worse than a chronic masturbater’s finger by the end of Day One, as everyone loves to view the tortured suicide of some random jerk (it makes them feel they’re finally less pathetic than someone else), this is where I slide in the old bait and switch. Witness the unfolding of my brilliance:

I need some ATTENTION NOW!!

I need some ATTENTION NOW!!

 

 

 

 

 

Turns out all those readers expecting an instant-gratification, 100% no-hassle free view into my mental anguish and human frailties have to manually take the time to click on my blog first, in order to get to their reward! It’s true – Nothing’s for free! DAMN!! And of course once the poor mice go through all that back breaking work to get to the promised cheese, only to end up viewing the “Leave Brittany ALONE!” parody some clever perp made a few years back, they’ll discover how full of shit I am and most won’t see the humor in it. Oh well, boo-fuckin-hoo.

Anyway, at this point usually one of two things happen:

Sometimes, just sometimes…I get a clicker who actually gets it and finds what I’ve pulled off hysterical. They actually come back repeatedly for more of my evil scams and observations. These are the intelligent blog readers.

More commonly however, the majority of lazy idiots become irate and leave me angry self-righteous comments on the Imposter video’s You Tube page commentary section AND at my blog. In fact, many of them will even return to my blog numerous times in order to defamate my character again. Turns out they don’t appreciate being cheated out of an opportunity to finally feel superior to some loser – who at first looked to be a WAY bigger loser than they – until he trashed their dreams of arrogance by revealing himself to be a  fake.

Again I repeat – boo-fuckin-hoo and add a HA HA too.

So what does this end up proving boys and girls? Only that I was clever enough to steal the real prize sought by EVERY blogger who starts a blog. No matter what crap, goody-two shoes reason any blogger gives for starting a blog, know this – They’re ALL in it for the attention. Attention that’s offically logged for everyone to see – by all that traffic to their blog! I include myself amongst the hopelessly vain, I admit it.

And guess what? I’M getting lots of ATTENTION these days – from THEM! As my blog stats for traffic to my blog proves – Negative attention is STILL attention.

I ROCK!

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22 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. thinkinfyou
    Jun 29, 2009 @ 00:36:51

    You are a mess but I love ya!!! Considering I’m a attention whore too!

    Reply

  2. surveygirl46
    Jun 29, 2009 @ 00:39:11

    Hey we HOES have to stick together BAY BEE….LOL

    Reply

  3. LisaNYC
    Jun 29, 2009 @ 02:05:51

    Sure, I’d blow a leper to increase traffic to my blog! I don’t get what’s weird about that.

    Reply

  4. surveygirl46
    Jun 29, 2009 @ 02:18:55

    Well, I only know this cuz FREAK SMACK told me (he says one of his jailhouse FREAKS actually had this happen!!) – but apparentlly it can be quite deadly when one takes the risk of “blowing” a leper. The reason is you can’t really “blow” something that could break off during said “job”, get struck in a certain orifice and lodge halfway down a certain pipe – causing choking and inhalation of maggot and other buggery (LOL) and increasing the chance of DEATH. Now, do you still want to blow a leper? For blog ratings? Can’t you at least hold out for some cash and a car to go along with it? LOL – Love YA!

    Reply

  5. FreakSmack
    Jun 29, 2009 @ 02:44:39

    I’ve got my own way of doing this. I tell people the lady’s that read mine post naked pics of themselves in their blog archives (that decreases in bounce rate when they dig looking). I don’t know if anyone found it funny when they ran into old rainbow socks, but I know I sure did immagining the disgust on their faces when they did. As for me getting traffic. I don’t give a damn, I’m sure as hell not blowing a leper. You never know I may lick the bean of a lady with the hep… Hell let’s face it, I’d prolly do that without the promised traffic.

    Reply

    • surveygirl46
      Jun 29, 2009 @ 03:28:34

      Dear Mr. Smack – Hello Gentle Reader. Miss Manners has received your eloquent comment regarding a lady’s “bean” and after going over the potential question of it’s meaning with her staff of gentile female librarians, has come to the decision that if Mr. Smack would kindly let us edit said word from “bean” to “legume” it is almost of a certainty that Mr. Smack’s instructive observations of the courtship process can indeed be included in the next edition of “Miss Manner’s 3rd Edition of Proper (albeit Boring and Dry) Courtship Manuevers. Sincerely, Miss Manners

      Mon, 6/29/09, comment-reply@wordpress.com wrote:

      Reply

  6. FreakSmack
    Jun 29, 2009 @ 04:07:09

    Here’s what I think of “Miss Manner’s” proposed (probably forced) censorship

    I do hope however the gentile female librarians weren’t to offended. Lord knows I’d never ever want to offend anyone.

    Reply

    • anditsgone46
      Jun 29, 2009 @ 06:42:58

      Funny that you would bring up “GENTILE” librarians. How did you know they were jewish? And no, they were not offended, as the jewish can’t eat pork…

      Reply

      • FreakSmack
        Jul 01, 2009 @ 15:38:04

        @ anditsgone46 – Who the hell are you… The head librarian? Oh, are you Miss Manners? I knew they were gentiles because surveygirl46 told me, and I could smell the gefilte fish from here.

  7. candice
    Jun 29, 2009 @ 18:55:28

    Finally! A true genius!!!

    Reply

    • surveygirl46
      Jun 29, 2009 @ 20:34:54

      Thanks Candice!

      Let me point out that it takes one “true genius” to recognize another. Great Work! – on your skills of discernment AND your blog! LOL

      Reply

      • surveygirl46
        Jul 01, 2009 @ 16:41:07

        Hey FreakSmack! Anditsgone46 is my alter-email address, I have no idea WHY it turned up ( i have 2 for google) i must have hit the wrong signature button! LOL

  8. flash
    Jul 06, 2009 @ 15:06:18

    Nice!

    Reply

  9. buy_vigrxplus
    Jul 16, 2009 @ 19:46:31

    The best information i have found exactly here. Keep going Thank you

    Reply

  10. surveygirl46
    Jul 16, 2009 @ 20:08:09

    I don’t know if this SPAM was meant for me or not but I’ll take any form of compliment I can get LOL

    Reply

  11. Static
    Aug 18, 2009 @ 23:42:57

    Static’s testimonial: “YEAH baby! Awesome advice. In fact I’m living proof that this system really works! =D”

    Reply

  12. surveygirl46
    Aug 18, 2009 @ 23:44:11

    Who do you think I based my post on?

    Reply

  13. How To Roulette
    Aug 21, 2009 @ 16:03:00

    Damn, that sound’s so easy if you think about it.

    Reply

  14. Bill Bartmann
    Sep 03, 2009 @ 22:55:09

    This site rocks!

    Reply

  15. surveygirl46
    Sep 05, 2009 @ 02:12:02

    and rolls…thanks for joining the ride:)

    Reply

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