Letter to My Scammer

Remember those scammer emails from about 5 years ago from some unpronounceable burg off the Coast of Africa? The one where the auditor chooses YOU by email to help him SPLIT some dead guy’s money. The dead guy conveniently has NO family or they can’t reach his family, and of course, you help him move the money out of Africa. The auditor gets 60% and you only get %40, but hey, when we’re talking millions, what’s few percentage points among friends?

Anyway, after receiving about 5 of these emails in 2 days, PLUS having some asshole try to scam me by offering to rent us someone else’s house, I got an idea. Below you will see first an email from the latest scammer which I copied just in case you have never heard of this scam or you wanted to refresh your memory. Then below that is my reply.

I actually sent this reply email to the latest scammer today. I included the real email addresses of 2 of the other scammers along with the housing scammer’s email address PLUS the pictures he emailed me of the bogus house for rent. I even included the address he gave me in Sacramento, Ca, which does exist by the way.

I know this won’t stop the scammers and some idiot is ALWAYS going to fall for this shit – Look at how spray-on hair is coming back! But it is my way of leaving the trailer trinkets and old people alone for a moment and picking a victim hoping to make others a victim. Hope you like it!


THE EMAIL I RECEIVED:

From: Mr Aliu Kabiru
African Development Bank
Burkina Faso (ADB)
Ouagadougou – Burkina Faso .

Dear friend,

I am writting to seek your coperation over this business, Please due welcome this letter.

I am Mr Aliu Kabiru , the director of the accounts & auditing dept .at the African Development Bank Ouagadougou-west Africa . (A D B) With due respect, I have decided to contact you on a business transaction that will be beneficial to both of us.

At the bank’s last accounts/auditing evaluations, my staffs came across an old account which was being maintained by a foreign client who we learnt was among the deceased passengers of motor accident on November. 2003, the deceased was unable to run this account since his death. The account has remained dormant without the knowledge of his family since it was put in a safe deposit account in the bank for future investment by the client.

Since his demise, even the members of his family haven’t applied for claims over this fund and it has been in the safe deposit account until I discovered that it cannot be claimed since our client is a foreign national and we are sure that he has no next of kin here to file claims over the money. As the director of the department, this discovery was brought to my office so as to decide what is to be done. I decided to seek ways through which to transfer this money out of the bank and out of the country too.

The total amount in the account is ten million five hundred thousand dollars (USD 10,500,000.00).with my positions as staffs of the bank, I am handicapped because I cannot operate foreign accounts and cannot lay bonafide claim over this money. The client was a foreign national and you will only be asked to act as his next of kin and I will supply you with all the necessary information and bank data to assist you in being able to transfer this money to any bank of your choice where this money could be transferred into.

The total sum will be shared as follows: 50% for me, 50% for you and expenses incidental occur during the transfer will be incure by both of us. The transfer is risk free on both sides hence you are going to follow my instruction till the fund transfer to your account.

I want to assure you that this transaction is absolutely risk free since I work in this bank that is why you should be confident in the success of this transaction because you will be updated with information as at when desired.

I will wish you to keep this transaction secret and confidential as I am hoping to retire with my share of this money at the end of transaction which will be when this money is safety in your account. I will then come over to your country for sharing according to the previously agreed percentages. You might even have to advise me on possibilities of investment in your country or elsewhere of our choice. May God help you to help me to a restive retirement, Amen.

Please for further information and enquiries feel free to contact me back immediately for more explanation and better understanding.contact throught this email address aliu_kabiru19@voila.fr

I am waiting for your urgent response!!!

Thanks and remain blessed.
Mr Aliu Kabiru

MY EMAIL BACK TO HIM:

From: sayallthewritethings@rocketmail.com
Subject: Re: From: Mr Aliu Kabiru
To: aliukabiru20@voila.fr
Date: Thursday, June 18, 2009, 2:50 AM

Dear Mr. Kabiru:

In the last 2 weeks I have received 7 emails from different people with extraordinary propositions for me. This is especially perplexing, since I had NO idea that so many people wanted to help me become rich AND find a reasonably priced house to live in right here in my area. And also, because there are so many other people one step from being on the street that are so much more deserving than I. See I drink, cuss, smoke and refuse to go see my great aunt in her nursing home as the place smells like poo and face it, old people are creepy.

So because I feel unworthy to accept your offer of splitting a dead guys booty, I have a couple of suggestions for you that I think just may work in your favor.

I mentioned I received 7 emails, right? Well two of them were from businessmen with MONEY to SPLIT, just like you!!! The last one is different and is a special surprise and if you just be patient, it’s coming right up!

Anyway –

I figured:

1. Michel, the auditor in the SAME exact situation as you, is in your neck of the woods (somewhere in Africa) so why don’t you email him and see if you can’t be each other’s business partners. Since you both know the business you won’t have to involve anyone who might ask stupid questions.

2. Mr. Niksintsov, the Russian dude is THE RICHEST, that’s what he says anyway, oil tycoon in his country! And guess what? He is ALSO having problems getting his money to the US. Maybe you can help him out with his situation and he can help you out with yours. Maybe Michel, who has “DR” before his name by the way, can join in. Three heads are always better than one! (Also, it might solve our gas crisis here in the US, if Mr. N is grateful and all – and it would be SO appreciated here)

dmrmichel@yahoo.com

niksintsov520@msn.com

And here’s your surprise –

I took the liberty of adding below the email of one David Smith. He has a HOUSE he will rent you in Sacramento, Ca. (actually it’s an apartment and the kitchen looks just like one designed in the UK, but maybe he just sent me a picture of the kitchen where HE’s staying by mistake)

The house can be rented for $550 a month, and guess what, he says it has a POOL and everything and it comes furnished!!!

Anyway, when you do get your money over to the US, maybe you can stay in HIS place. You’d probably like to be in America since your cash will be there and you probably want to keep an eye on it. Don’t worry, David’s not even there, he works overseas.

He says he doesn’t care about the cash, he says he just wants someone to take care of the apartment and he will SEND YOU THE KEY BY MAIL with the rental documents once you mail your deposit in. The BEST part is, NO credit check!! Call him for details, tell him I said hello.

Also, I have included the photos David sent me of the rooms in the apartment. Look at the beautiful decor. David must be rich indeed to trust someone he has never met with his house and for $550 a month to boot!

davidsmth10@gmail.com




This is quoting David:

“It’s located Great location, near Sacramento State University and great shopping areas like Loehmann’s Plaza, The Pavillions and Lyon Village. 1019 Dornajo Way Sacramento, CA 95825”

This is pretty darned spacious for an apartment in Sacramento, Ca, and for $550 and NO DEPOSIT!!! I think you and Michel would be happy here with your money from the African coast, don’t you think so Mr Kabiru?

Anyway, I hope this information has been helpful to you, Mr. Kabiru, and I do thank you and all the other African auditors, and Mr Nitsinkov, for thinking of little old me! Lisa

PS – Please try to do SOMETHING about our gas prices; talk to Mr. Nitsinkov! After re-reading his email, he seems like such nice man!

PPS – Almost forgot the last part of your surpise – I took it upon myself to email to David, Mr. N and Michel YOUR email to me, along with your email address of course! I just wanted to get the ball rolling for you.

You should hear from them soon. L

humor blog

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7 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Thinkinfyou
    Jun 18, 2009 @ 12:23:59

    Look at you always thinking of others.There is no doubt you're going to Heaven!

    Reply

  2. DouglasDyer
    Jun 18, 2009 @ 13:27:21

    I think you should totally rent that place. It looks AWESOME!

    Reply

  3. Surveygirl46
    Jun 18, 2009 @ 14:11:02

    TFU- Yes I'm going somewhere all right….(It was the least I could do after all of them took SO MUCH time and effort hunting me down by email…LOL)

    DD – You know, I would TOTALLY rent from David (if that is indeed his REAL name) and not care a fig if he was the owner, or even involved at all – for that price and IF I could get away with it….Sad to say but's true…I always look for a Bargain…

    Reply

  4. FreakSmack
    Jun 18, 2009 @ 16:06:48

    wow I'm contacting David about that appt. I'll see if He'll take to of my huts in Togo as trade.
    Were you offended by your last post? It seems to have been removed.

    Reply

  5. Surveygirl46
    Jun 18, 2009 @ 16:11:15

    I should have something smartass to say but again, HUH? which POST how DARE someone remove any of my posts…..I WILL BLOCK WHOEVER THEY ARE FROM BLOCKING ME!

    Reply

  6. FreakSmack
    Jun 18, 2009 @ 16:45:30

    Your last blog post blasting offended people. I think it was monday your last post on your blog now is from tuesday last week

    Reply

  7. Surveygirl46
    Jun 18, 2009 @ 17:39:19

    GOOD as long as I offended SOMEBODY then my job here is done…although it's such a FUN job I think i'll go to work EVERY morning! PS wait till you see my next one LOL

    Reply

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