Wal*Mart AND Smiley Thank You for Your Donation!

June 2, 2009



Dear Consumer:

We wanted to send you this Wallygram to show our appreciation for the generous secret contribution to our Help the Tweakerly Disabled Obtain Free Electronics to Sell for Dope Community Program that you made on June 2, 2009.

Wal*Mart wasn’t aware that you knew of this touchstone community service, let alone that you wanted to be part of the solution. We are touched.

Wal*Mart had noticed that you hadn’t been in to see us for quite some time, or purchased any of our sweatshop run, Asian-made worthless pieces of plastic or cheap fabric products we keep on stock for consumers just like you. All of us were really beginning to notice your absence from our Super Center.

You can probably imagine our surprise and joy when you finally called our 1 800 number on June 1 and ordered a brand new laptop and hard drive with an electronic check!

The manager who took your order was going to verify the little details like your social security number and birth date, but when Smiley heard it was YOU placing the order, he told them not to bother!

You are part of our Wal*Mart family. We would NEVER insult or inconvenience you by implying you might be a criminal. So we were more than happy to approve your purchase right there on the spot, no questions asked.

In fact you and Wal*Mart have established such a symbiotic relationship over the years that we told our clerks to just release that new computer and hard drive to you when you came to pick it up, no I.D. necessary!

The clerks were also informed not to be concerned if it turned out you looked a bit different from how we remember you last time you were here. If you say, now appeared to be of the other gender, or had decided to become a negro!

Wal*Mart is quite saavy to the fact that people have sex changes and dye their body parts every day. We are aware of those like Michael Jackson and certain formerly-male government officials that started life an ugly woman.

Anyway, the merchandise was released to you and that was that, until a phone call Wal*Mart received a few days later. Someone called the store and spoke with our manager, saying they were you. This person told him someone had stolen your checking account information and had fradulently purchased some electronics at this store!

Wal*Mart didn’t know what to think! Smiley was beside himself at the thought of you, Dear Consumer, believing that Wal*Mart would let that happen! And I must add, this didn’t sound like the normal behavior of the consumer we have grown to know and love.

Then our corporate liason received a visit at the store from a man in suit who informed him that he was a Wells Fargo Fraud Unit Inspector. He was shocked into silence when the man said he was there to investigate purchases made with some stolen bank account information. He interviewed Smiley and a few other employees and left, saying he would return the following day.

About a minute after his departure, Smiley started busting up with laughter. He then pointed out something the rest of us had missed. Something that had been right in front of us the whole time the man was here. The inspector had been wearing a bad toupee. DUHHHH! He had actor written all over him, only the rest of us didn’t see it. Wal*Mart felt so stupid.

So everyone started looking around the store to see if we could spot Ashton Kutcher and the rest of the MTV gang from Punk’d. Smiley was kind of hoping they were involved in the joke – he was really looking forward to masking up and jumping out from behind the racks of men’s polyester pants with his sword held high! (Just to see the looks on their faces as He Punk’d Them!)

But it turns out that Wal*Mart wasn’t being Punk’d after all. Another conundrum.</ strong

But this is where Smiley really started to put two and two together. He reminded us that only you would go to this length to try to fool Wal*Mart into believing that a couple of it’s employees could’ve slipped up and played right into the hands of a con-man.

And given the close relationship you and Wal*Mart share, he was sure it had to be for a very good reason that you attempted to distract Wal*Mart with a ridiculous tale about the possibility that fraud could happen here!

And you guessed it, Smiley figured out that reason Dear Consumer. He’s always one step ahead of the rest of us. He is, after all, the reason Wal*Mart is where it is today in the community.

So Dear Consumer confess. You knew all about our secret program to assist our community’s dope fiends acquire the means to be able to buy their dope, didn’t you!?

It appears your heart too, goes out to those poor souls. You must know by now these wretches are former Wal*Mart employees who just couldn’t take the pressure of meeting the high professional standards and skill requirements of their jobs, and finally just cracked.

It’s good to know that you have compassion for them, Dear Consumer.

As we now know you are well aware, working for an institution that adheres to such golden principles as Wal*Mart does is not an attainable reality for many people. It’s simply not a career everyone is cut out for.

The grueling training sessions our managers hold, in which employees have one week to show Wal*Mart management they can successfully add, subtract and count all the way to 100, have sent many an otherwise sane human being right over the edge of sanity.

And to make the cut in our first-rate customer service department, it takes dedication and skill as well as superb mental concentration. It’s a talent you’re either born with or not.

Those customer service reps wearing the Wal*Mart badge of excellence prove their multi-tasking abilities every single day as they eat their McDonald’s, file their nails, ignore the dozens of customers at their register and rudely disconnect countless more from the phones – all done simultaneously and performed within rigid time guidelines adhering to company requirements that all employees get their long, frequent breaks and two hour or more lunch periods daily.

And our management program – well let’s just say that only the very elite make it to this privilaged sector of the company.

In reality few individuals are ever deemed WALworthy, and that reality can be a harsh one.

For to wear that Wal*Mart uniform is to be recognized as one of the best of the best. It is a symbol of respect and honor in this kingdom of the discount blue light special we proudly call Sweatshop Nation.

And as you have guessed, many of these poor Un-Walworthy souls, weeded out for one failure or another, have ended up turning to methamphetamine and narcotics to help ease the crushing disappointment and despair of missing the Wal-mark – all having elected to take a solemn vow to never work again. We must respect that choice.

So Dear Consumer, we will not embarrass you any further by showcasing your generous kindness, nor insist you acknowledge it. We know we don’t need to thank you, but we do. And the tweakerly disabled in our community thank you as well, and raise their pipes to you.

One more thing. It was such a classy touch, having one of our tweakerly disabled actually make the purchase call, then come into our store in person to pick up the computer and hard drive you purchased for him to sell for dope.

We know already to disregard anymore attempts at contact from the banker with the bad toupee. (haha)

Please come in and buy something soon.

By the way – We have just gotten in an exceptional shipment of plastic Jesus-on-the-cross clocks/can openers with the face of Jesus’ ceramically replaced by the countenance of Smiley!

We just know that you’ll want to purchase at least a couple of these classic pieces for gifts, and maybe one for your kitchen – you deserve something nice!

Thanks again for your generosity and the laugh!


Your Local Sacramento Wal*Mart Super Center and Smiley

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9 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Thinkinfyou
    Jun 10, 2009 @ 12:27:34

    You really should get a job in customer service!


  2. surveygirl46
    Jun 10, 2009 @ 12:32:24

    Because I'm multi-task oriented or did i let it slip that i take unauthorized breaks wherever i am? LOL


  3. Mr. Condescending
    Jun 10, 2009 @ 19:50:27

    can you get me a block of velveeta cheese with jesus on it?


  4. surveygirl46
    Jun 10, 2009 @ 20:31:56

    Not only can I GET you a block of cheese with Jesus on it (FYI – Known as CHEESUS to you non-walmartians) but I know how to make it from scratch!!!


  5. FreakSmack
    Jun 11, 2009 @ 02:19:31

    Wait are you saing you DIDN't have the negroplasty and peniplasty operations?


  6. surveygirl46
    Jun 11, 2009 @ 04:27:21

    FRKSMK: HEY, are you in cahoots with Wal*Mart? Very convenient….(This happened last week well the letter i made up) someone stole my checking info and went to Wallyworld and Walgreens; had to have been a TWEAKER


  7. FreakSmack
    Jun 11, 2009 @ 05:03:28

    Ha Ha no, I've actually managed to get myself kicked out of 7 different Wal*Marts in 3 states (no none were for shoplifting or any illegal activity). A large part of my miss spent youth consisted of dropping acid and pranking them. They really don't like me too much.

    I should ask the same of you and the IRS. The same day you enter a caption contest mentioning them I get a letter.


  8. The Mother
    Jun 16, 2009 @ 01:47:31

    I always feel SO dirty walking into WalMart. I think it's the creepy guy at the door who asks me how I'm doing. Because, apparently, the creepy guy really cares. Which makes me wonder what ELSE the creepy guy really cares about.


  9. surveygirl46
    Jun 16, 2009 @ 09:23:53

    Now I have yet another reason besides Smiley to stay away LOL


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