How to Avoid Attending Children’s Birthday Parties, Recitals and Bar Mitsvahs for Good!

Everyone loves kids!

Right?

Ok, at the risk of offending all those family-types out there who live to organize and lead Yours, Mine and Ours children-oriented events like week long hiking trips with 14 rugrats and no booze, I’m going to lay it on the line – Not everyone is like that. Not everyone loves kids so much that they want to be immersed in everything about them. (Except for maybe a few catholic priests and Michael Jackson…)

So if this offends any one’s sensibilities about their precious darlings then stop reading right now, turn on Nickelodeon and head for the nearest Brady Bunch rerun. Close your eyes and let the generic placenta of family fantasy ooze o’er you.

This post is for those of us who like kids well enough not to aim our car at them on purpose in a mall parking lot just because we’re having a bad day, but who are sick and tired of being obligated by family and friends to attend every event in a child’s life; every birthday party, piano recital, bar mitzvah, imaginary tea party, First Poopy in the Potty celebration, etc.

In short – Any event where grownups are required to sit smiling and attentive, paying homage to the child star for an hour or more while also being expected to deal with crowds of their wired up, hopped up, malicious rug rat friends who were promised they could play real paintball at this party, just like their daddy’s! Rug rats who are obviously on some kind of illicit substances, judging by their wild behavior, when it is any body’s guess if the grownups who need it a hell of a lot more than they do to deal with this, will even be offered a Miller Lite.

It’s a coin toss these days guessing which, if any, set of parents of what child star could actually appreciate the benefits a good alcohol buzz would have on events of this nature and all the participants involved. It’s also known that nowadays political correctness dictates that it is rude to call the child star’s parents ahead of the blessed event and inquire if alcohol will be served. If you are told “absolutely not”, and then you don’t show up, everyone knows why and all of a sudden you’re the bad guy and a raving alcoholic to boot (but hey, there are worse things to be in life).

So to avoid starting my rant on the utter bullshit of political correctness that’s seeping into our society and making null and void everything I’ve ever had faith in, instead I’m going to give you the head’s up on one good way to get yourself Permanently Uninvited to any and all events for the rest of a child’s numerous event-filled years. One word of advice – nip it in the bud early on and get it over with, as you will see from the following, children are only impressionable for so long and can only be manipulated to work with you up to a certain age.

I call this particular solution: Little Rembrandt

 

It’s almost as if Rembrandt knows and approves!

When a child is between 4 and 6 years old, a mis-wired sensor goes off in the brains of the Super Parents who start insisting that their budding genius be exposed only to educational and creative toys and games from now on.

It’s like one night both parents simultaneously heard the same voice in a dream reveal to them that their precious Timmy or Sarah was destined to be the next Jonas Salk or Michael Angelo, but they had to act quickly and spread the word about the absolute need for creative toys and games to EVERYONE they knew – Lest their protege’s superior intellect/artistic talent be angrily snatched back by the heavens that bestowed it, and be re gifted instead to the imbecile boy next door who sits drooling on his front porch for 12 hours or more, and moves only when trying to catch and eat flies.

This is where you come in with Little Rembrandt – a highly educational yet creative interactive game designed to encourage the budding young talent to explore and develop his artistic genius!

The items required are commonplace and relatively inexpensive to purchase but you will have to come up with a convincing package design to make it somewhat more believable to the Super Parents.

This is what you will need:

A bag of sugar (which you will mix with a couple teaspoons of water and conceal in a large ketchup-sized bottle labeled “artistic brainbooster”).

A can of bright house paint, I like red. You will also conceal this in a medium paint container.

(ALSO: buy one container of water based temporary paint in whatever color you’ve chosen in house paint; conceal it in an identical container)

A selection of paintbrushes – make sure one is thick and wide.

A few of these.

If you want to throw in a painter’s smock and a small plastic scaffold it’s a nice touch, but not required.

The way it works is as follows:

After the child opens this present at whatever event you are forced into this time, he will be anxious to try out his “artistic” talents interactively. This is where you reassure the parents by explaining the contents of the “game” one by one:

The “Brain booster” potion (aka 100% pure sugar and just enough water to make it a thick liquid) is just that same harmless, tasteless, paste-based liquid toy companies have always put in children’s toys and games as “potions” or “milk” – depending on the theme of the toy or game. Surely the Super Parents remember this from their own childhoods? Then offer to try a swig in front of them.

Take out the 2 containers of paint. One will contain the permanent house paint, the other the water based washable paint of the same color. Make sure you know which is which. Show the parents it’s harmless and temporary by painting an article of your own clothing with the fake paint. As they watch in horror as it dries on your clothing, simply wash it in the sink to show them, Voila! Ees goone! Just like magic! (Important: When no one is looking in your direction take this can of fake paint and hide it. The Super Parents will simply think their genius misplaced it and will have no issue with him using the other can).

The brushes speak for themselves. The canvasses are more for show than anything else, but can be used by the child first to lend more credibility.

So your work is done except for one more thing. On your way out the door, pull the genius child aside and tell him you wish to share a secret with him before you leave, and he mustn’t tell! This is going to be a BIG surprise not only for Mommy but especially Daddy, who works so very hard and has been trying and trying to get to the repainting of the living room but could use some help, would he help Daddy?

Once the child eagerly agrees, let him know that he should get up in the middle of the night while everyone else is asleep and sneak down to the living room and start painting it for Daddy! Oh, and make sure to drink down the WHOLE bottle of “artistic brain booster” potion for some extra artistic energy. After all, our little Rembrandt will need to be fully alert and awake to take on a project of this magnitude. Mommy and Daddy will be so happy in the morning and remember it’s a SECRET!!

Head for home and that bottle of wine!

When the angry phone calls start coming in around 8 the next morning, feign dismay and outrage at that asshole misleading toy company! You had nothing to do with it, remember? Both Super Parents witnessed you drink the “potion” and paint your white gloves with red paint, which came out with water!

And as for Little Rembrandt who gave you up the moment the belt started sliding off of Daddy’s dockers?

Deny, deny, deny!! Remind them that artistic and talented children born to greatness are often imaginative storytellers and prone to pulling crazy stunts that are beyond the normal child’s ability and comprehension at that age. With details as intricate as the ones thought up and carried out by Little Rembrandt, one would have sworn it would have had to have been an adult behind it, it was that ingenious!

Tell them that instead of opening a can of whoop ass on their little genius, they should be ecstatic at this further proof of their baby’s divine mission and future service to the world by the expoundment of his art!

Although the Super Parents will definitely be mollified by a secondary opinion confirming the genius of their child, rest assured you will NEVER be invited to any event concerning any member of their family again.

Genius huh?

I THINK THIS ONE REALLY NEEDS A DISCLAIMER: Just because I elected not to have children doesn’t mean I don’t like them. I actually get along with kids really well, because in having me for a friend, they can actually and honestly brag to others that THEY are now officially more mature than someone!! As usual, I did this as a stab at a laugh, although I am not lying about the parents — they really get on my nerves and I would LOVE it if one of you would arrange an “artistic” showing of your kids artistic genius to a certain couple that could really use it….:) Interested parties let me know — there’s YooHoo involved…

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5 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Thinkinfyou
    Jun 08, 2009 @ 19:53:56

    You are a genius! I don't think I would have ever attended a kid's party if I didn't have children myself. I taught my children at a young age how to create enough havoc at parties so we'd never get invited again!

    Reply

  2. Surveygirl46
    Jun 08, 2009 @ 20:34:09

    I knew you would understand!! When I was 24 i had this really boring "garden party" babyshower to attend for a good friend (that's the only reason i went) i was out of all nite with my boyfriend the guitar player and i showed up with total 80's hair and my skinny jeans tucked into my black boots (oh yeah and my leather jacket -also black). As i walked in with my gift for her embryo all the prune bitches gasped in horror! See, i didn't wrap it but presented it to her in a safeway bag with a stick on ribbon – what was really a clue i didn't belong at the miss manners meeting, was I left the safeway receipt in the bag with the gift. my friend laughed her ass off and said she would never expect anything less from me; the rest of the old prunes lost control of their control top panty hose;

    Reply

  3. Surveygirl46
    Jun 08, 2009 @ 20:35:23

    PS – Peggy Bundy wouldn't have happened to be a hero of yours from the 80's would she? (i emulated that woman)

    Reply

  4. The Mother
    Jun 08, 2009 @ 22:16:10

    I have four children and a "mom blog."

    And I have made avoiding children's parties an art form for over twenty years.

    And parent teacher conferences. And playdates.

    And when forced to have one for my own kids (that is, anything more than simply throwing the kids in the back room and shoving pizza under the door–my favorite way to throw a kids' party), I ABSOLUTELY serve alcohol to anyone with a horizontal driver's license.

    You don't have to hate kids to hate kids' parties. Disclaimer not required.

    Reply

  5. Surveygirl46
    Jun 08, 2009 @ 22:33:30

    Ah See, YOU are one of the "parental" units whose parties, (kids, yours,gerbils et) I would MAKE SURE to attend; i do have friends like THAT and we would get tipsy and bag on her kids; nicely of course, the kids loved it…..

    Reply

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