Tea (Bagging) Time!


I hadn’t a clue as to the nature of the drivel you would have swallowed today, if the day had gone as planned. Most likely it would have been yet another onslaught against unfortunates whose problems should be professionally addressed by the ever-compassionate, coin-dropping Oprah, and never someone like me who would not blink an eye at assisting an elderly person’s fall to break a hip if it were funny. Nor would I be the one to stop the cheering- on of the simple trailer trinket to yes! Please sleep with your brother and procreate, and get pictures of the birth!

All in the self-serving name of keeping me supplied with sacrificial scapegoat virgins to devour. But thanks to divine intervention and the discovery of a yet another untapped resource, my usual victims are getting a vacation from humiliation today.

Here’s how they caught their break: I was on Blog catalog all night again, a vampire thanks to unemployment and absence of any new ambition. This time, however, I found myself commenting up a storm on any and all topics of discussion that I thought could benefit from my pearls of wisdom.

First I became the wise Dr. Frazier Crane, effeminate, prissy psychologist, and eloquently lent my opinion to the topic of obesity and its underlying causes – even offering up surgical advice to those who thought me a real doctor. Next, I morphed into an extra-bitchy Wanda Sykes as I described for an “Anger stories” topic the details of how I covertly hacked into a “former” friend’s Marriage-Minded Singles Dating site and logged on, pretending to be her. There’s more!

Once inside, I studied photos and profiles of male members until I had seen the cream of the crop. Then, still under the guise of being someone else, I proceeded to email a generous amount of sexual “flirts” that indicated my interest in a one-on-one private encounter, to every senile elderly-pensioned male member who had painfully walker-toddled to this love site and signed up! – Hemorrhoids flaring, for the sole purpose of meeting that one special gal to marry and keep him happy in his golden years. I say to you now that I KNOW I’m hell bound, no question, but I was on a blog roll and couldn’t stop the momentum!

But something made me stop and give pause, maybe lack of sleep but more likely I had noted a couple of discussions started whose opening statements all but screamed their demands for attention by publically whining and sniveling like toddlers denied sugar before bedtime.

Witness the gentlemen who authored the poignant “Is Anybody Even Out There?”, a warm and whiney protest post in which he bitterly complains that none of us other bloggers have yet commented on the comments he has already posted on the 100 blogs he had painstakingly read the day before. A prize piece worthy of Nobel himself!

Then comes the bittersweet, emotionally-charged “I Had A Lot More Fun On My Other Discussion Site” which turns out to be a moving prose crafted by a spoiled, bratty, not-quite-college-age Daddy’s girl, who publically held all us confused Blog catalogers personally responsible for her unending cyber-boredom with the whole old-fashioned topic thingy! None of us had ever heard of her until her sneak attack on our humdrum personalities and lackluster discussion material. So when she tried to soften her abandonment of us with “Hey, don’t mean to be rude, BUT just can’t hang here anymore!” we barely had time to lament her passing from our lives. So being blown away by the immaturity level of our future leaders, and after reading the discussion topic posting rules on Blog catalog, I decided to post my own topic for discussion.

My chosen subject was Tea bagging, and I have provided the official Wikipedia definition to enlighten any readers who may have somehow missed it’s transcendence into an official household word this past winter:

ITea bagging is a slang term for the act of a man placing his scrotum in the mouth[1] or on or around the face (including the top of the head) of another person, often in a repeated in-and-out motion as in irrumatio. The practice resembles dipping a tea bag into a cup of tea.[2][3]

Teabagging is also an erotic activity used within the context of BDSM and male dominance, with a dominant man teabagging his submissive partner, either a woman or a man, as one variation of facesitting and/or as a means of inflicting erotic humiliation.

Sounds like the guy for me! Sugar anyone?

Anyway, before anyone becomes titillated, or grossed out, by what they think I might have posted, let me clear the air. You are in for a big letdown if you expect to read heated discussions between 50 or so bloggers debating the finer points of scrotal skin thickness in proportion to the width of a partner’s mouth. There will be NO theorizing in my post on what positive or negative effects the circumference and thickness of the aforementioned parts might have on the so-called dipping motion, obviously an important element in teabagging.

Furthermore, we will NOT be rehashing the pet argument some pro-humiliators have in questioning how humiliation could possibly be a bad thing if it is done erotically. No, you will not be seeing all that dribble that comes with teabagging, (pun…ewwww) as I did not write it that way.

BUT I wanted to. God, how I wanted to. I fantasized about calling it, “Teabagging for Fun and Profit” (just like the name of the You Tube page Todd and I have). It even sounds successful when spoken of in that context!

But because I have no life and would kill myself if I got kicked off of Blog catalog, just for a giggle, I decided to subtly disguise my little allusion to teabagging in a harmless discussion about tea bags. I called it, “If You Were a TeaBag, What Flavor Would You Be?” Then I remarked I would be Earl Grey to throw any suspicions out the door. Twenty seconds after I clicked the post button, I had serious regrets for even attempting to place the word tea that close to bag even if there was no “ing.”

I expected to be checked by the teabagging savvy in the bunch, for my thinly-veiled perversion. I didn’t expect any comments, except from my blogger friends FreakSmack and TFU, who are both just as sick as I. But what happened was that no one reading it took it to mean anything but what kind of tea they would elect to be if they woke up one morning and found themselves morphed into an herb with a string. It sounded normal to everyone but me to be asked what kind of tea “bag” one would elect to be. I thought for sure I’d get a pregnant pause from someone. Maybe I just have a dirtier mind than most. Or maybe not.

My post has gotten 13 comments so far. And, I think maybe a couple bloggers were throwing subtle back at me, or I could just be experiencing my normal delusions. But in between the joyous exclamations of “I Love Peppermint Tea” and the debate about which is better, Lady Earl Grey tea (bag) or the Mister, I think I caught a double entendre here and there.

For instance, a male blogger made the comment that he could always stir his tea with his finger if he needed to, and was sweetly advised by Jen (I think that’s her name) to make sure it was his “finger” that did the stirring, as hot tea could scald! I liked that. Another male blogger made the comment that he liked orange tea, it was sweet, and SO was he. That definitely sounded like an allusion to his nether regions. There were a couple more little comments made by both genders about any kind of tea being acceptable, as long as CREAM was available, then ROFLMAO.

So I guess I wasn’t as sly as I thought. Maybe, I could’ve even been a little more relaxed and slipped a few pointed references in the discussion….nah. I think I handled it the right way, let the readers laugh at the connection and leave me innocently out of it. I’ll find more than enough trouble all by my lonesome.


DISCLAIMER: I realize that the last half of my blog post is hilighted in white and for the life of me I can’t figure out how to make it disappear. My guy is playing Call of Duty on PlayStation 3 and saving the world from zombies so he’s no help. I think it has something to do with the Wikipedia cut and paste. If anyone can help me fix this psychotic appearing post, I will be most grateful. Or maybe the tea bags had something to do with bleaching out the background of the post:)

humor blog

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8 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Mr. Condescending
    Jun 06, 2009 @ 16:55:19

    Hahaha I especially like stirring the tea with the finger hah. Next write about the cincinnati bowtie!

    Reply

  2. FreakSmack
    Jun 06, 2009 @ 17:06:57

    I uh just took the "class" right out of your discussion. I'm sure my comment is going to be removed by the community. I was afraid to speak my mind for fear of banishment.

    ps still can't comment here through bc

    Reply

  3. surveygirl46
    Jun 06, 2009 @ 18:37:22

    Reply

  4. dizzblnd
    Jun 06, 2009 @ 22:15:57

    You know what's fun? Draping teabags over a male co-workers side view mirror. If they know what teabagging is, it will be fun to watch them figure out who the hell left it

    Reply

  5. Thinkinfyou
    Jun 07, 2009 @ 23:54:36

    Oh,you are so a girl after my own heart. Boredom for me always warps itself into stirring up some fun shit…. I have to go comment on your discussion now!!

    Reply

  6. Chris @ Maugeritaville
    Jun 08, 2009 @ 16:48:07

    During that whole "teabagging" thing, I couldn't help but wonder if news people really knew what they were saying. It sure made the news funnier, though.

    Reply

  7. Surveygirl46
    Jun 08, 2009 @ 18:41:08

    Yep Chris, as usual, some people get the double entendres and some remain blissfully unaware (the blue capsule swallowers in THE MATRIX)

    Reply

  8. Surveygirl46
    Jun 08, 2009 @ 19:45:53

    Hey Dizz blond – I forgot to say to your post, but was thinking it ALL weekend, EWWWWW…

    TFU- You are I are sicko sisters and I love it; i think it's a compliment that your manboobed hairy rainbo sock "thing" made the prune lips of a whiner that hides behind google to throw stones, become even more wrinkled – that person needs to botox their personality!!

    Reply

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