I SO Wish This Was Politically Correct

June 4, 2009

Mr. Beeg Dumass
I’ve Got Hairpiece! Hair Restoration and Area Rug Specialists
5150 Donald Trump Plaza
Bald Eagle NY 10010

Dear Mr. Dumass –

I wish to thank you for interviewing me last Friday and considering me for the entry-level position of salesperson at your fine organization that is first in it’s field of dead animal hair replacement alternatives.

I am sure that you have many satisfied clients who are appreciative that companies such as yours exist; ones that understand their demands to use holistic (not synthetic) materials on their tender pates, especially when it comes to having that kind of invasive surgery on such delicate tissue.

In regards to that behavioral assessment test you wished me to complete and mail off to that unit in Quantico, Va, for evaluation. This is to let you know that I did mail it on Monday, First Class, as you requested. I hope that you and the fine team of psychologists who review it know that I answered each and every question honestly, with no regard to how my answers might affect my chance of employment with your firm.

That being said however, brings me to the subject of the attachment I have sent with this letter.

After thinking about the relevancy of an organizations right to know that a potential candidate is a good fit for them, it occurred to me that I should be assessing you as well. After all, the confirmation that we are a successful team will be tantamount in regards to my job performance and could affect my work productivity in either a positive or negative manner, depending upon how well I think we work together.

So I hope you will take the time to take the behavioral assessment test I have attached for your convenience. The questions are multiple choice. Please don’t analyze each one for it’s relevance to our working relationship, just pick the answer that first comes into your head.

Please mail your completed test in the enclosed, pre-adressed, stamped envelope.

Once I receive your test, I will review it with my team of specialists at The Bucket O’ Blood Bar and let you know of my decision.


John Doe


1. You’ve had NO sleep after last night’s 12 hour board meeting with that important Japanese CEO. And by the look that was in in your boss’ eye at the end of the meeting, it appears that you’ve blown it once again! Uncertain as to your professional future, you come to work cranky and hung over just looking for someone to unload on. I happen to be the new lackey in the mail room, and in an effort to rush past you unnoticed, I accidentally drop a 25 lb box of mail on your left foot – I’m the perfect target to unleash upon. Do you:

a. Yell “Hey Asshole! It’s buttwipes like you who cost this company money!”, then stab me in the neck with a #2 pencil.

b. Look at me, shake your head sadly, rip a silent-but-deadly fart of cheap beer, and announce aloud that not only am I a stupid jerk but my job performance STINKS too!

c. Say nothing at all. After last nite nothing matters anymore except for the bottle of vodka you have hidden in the dirt of the ficus planter in your office.

2. For some unknown reason, 5 naked pictures of your wife were found in my desk drawer. I continue to insist I don’t know how in the world they got there, even as your secretary is pulling the Rite Aid packet of negatives with my name on it out of my jacket pocket. Do you:

a. Catch me with a left hook to the jaw and break it, knowing that this behavior will cost you your job but not giving a shit cause you hate this place.

b. Get back at me the next day by showing up with doctored photos of me butt-naked in a back alley performing unmentionable acts with squeaky protesting rodents, and already planning your next Powerpoint visual display at Wednesday’s meeting.

c. Say nothing at all. You’re amazed that anyone could stomach seeing that fat bitch naked once but can’t believe they would actually want to revisit that horror repeatedly through photographs. And this gets you to thinking of how you could use this to your advantage.

3. I have to admit, I like drugs. Having lived in Amsterdam for 2 years I totally concur with their culture and just because I’ve been back in the States for the last 10 doesn’t mean I now honor US laws regarding illegal substances. That having been said, coming back from lunch my briefcase breaks open, spilling a pound of colombian’s uncut finest all over the floor. Do you:

a. Call the cops immediately! Illegal drugs are something you will NOT put up with!

b. Clear the room of employees by yelling, “Everyone OUT! I am calling a private meeting to figure out the correct legal protocol to follow” then lock the door tight, pull your emergency tooter from your sock and start snorting from the floor like you have 30 seconds to live.

c. Calmly ask me to please rebag the Gold Medal flour you asked me to get from home during my break. You need to start those surprise birthday cookies for your wife as soon as possible.

4. I walk into work one morning waving an AK-47 around and demanding a week’s paid vacation, starting NOW, even though I’ve barely been here a month. Do you:

a. Give in to my demands and tell me to start my vacation this very moment – you don’t want to be pumped full of lead before you pump your new secretary – Her review is due this afternoon!

b. Tell me I’ve been on vacation since the day I was born, and hope that I shoot you – You received a scary looking letter from the IRS yesterday and you’re relatively sure you know what it’s about.

c. Bring out your Glock 9 mm and stop me mid-sentence with a spray of bullets, then really go on a rampage and clear the room of the ungrates!

humor blog


2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Thinkinfyou
    Jun 05, 2009 @ 00:43:05

    Oh this should soooo be politically correct. I say make it even. I bet it would cut down on the length of the hiring process.


  2. Surveygirl46
    Jun 05, 2009 @ 00:43:57

    Amen girl!!!


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