Prince – Yeah He’s a Royal…(A Royal Pain in the Ass)

You know how you hear a new song on the radio and it leaves little or no impression on you so you forget you ever heard it? Until you happen to see a movie or a concert where that forgotten song is performed so soulfully by the performer that from that moment on, anything the performer sings takes on significance. You develop a kind of listener/singer relationship and may even become a little dependent on this performer to keep bringing you his magic songs. He is elevated in your sight because of the way his singing of his songs make you feel inside. He is royalty.

I used to feel this way about Prince and the Revolution. I used to feel this way about just Prince. I even used to feel this way about $%$%##$%%^, then Prince again, but not anymore. I decided that instead of just venting and making profane remarks to the universe in general, which doesn’t care one way or the other what we say or how we feel, by the way; I would direct my negative feelings and remarks to the performer in question, who probably cares even less about what we say and what we feel than the the universe does, but whatever. Prince, you need to hear this as I represent more than just myself, if only in my imagination.

May 19, 2009

6:13 pm or am (who knows? On 3rd bottle of pinot grigio)

Dear Ex-Royalty Piece of Stinking Offel formerly known as %^&&&^%%^:

I thought I would take the time to let you know what a disappointment you have turned out to be to quite a number of us former fans. I trust the complaint mail you have been receiving lately has been increasing in volume each week, which would make sense as you have been publicly becoming a bigger asshole each year. My letter, however, contains only one main complaint but it is a big one to a lot of us out there in the real world.

Prince, I want you to know that I was once part of the innocent, trusting mob of human gullibility taken in by your sweet, fairy-like, he-she, transvestitical charms and your promise of sexual bedoir prowess that you so proudly put on display for us during your on-stage air guitar exhibitions. From the moment I saw you in Purple Rain back in the 1980s, I was a big fan.

First of all, I was pumped up at seeing the underdog actually flip a bird at convention and do his own thang – Morris be-damned! You played your OWN original music and by just being yourself, actually won the jaded heart of the fair, but undoubtably-syphillitic, Appolonia. Prince, your fans were with you in spirit as you tried to figure out if this gold-digging, no talent, aging pole-dancer, actually had a heart.

Hell, we didn’t need Purple Rain to tell us you were the jealous type and prone to tantrums but we put it down to your being male-ish, your youth, and the fact that being pretty in a prison-sex sort of way does sometimes get you a pass from the politeness police. We readily forgave you. We even turned a blind eye to your awkward performance during the Naughty Nicki music video, although I will admit that most of us were embarrassed for you as your spastic display on stage indicated that you knew next to nothing about female masturbation.

And during the scene in Purple Rain when you smacked Appolonia hard across the face, all of us thought the bitch had it coming and we would have gladly testified on your behalf in a court of law.

When you cried for your impotent, alcoholic, loser of a father, who was justifiably shot by your helpless mother, we understood your pain. Even though that bullet had been coming at him in a slow but steady crawl for YEARS, we were deeply touched by your compassion for a moron who hadn’t been able to hold onto a job or an erection for years.

And Prince, when you came out on stage at the end of the movie and sang Purple Rain, I promise you there wasn’t one woman ( or man) in the whole theatre, who wouldn’t have traded places with that slut Appolonia and gladly learned to take it up the ass for you. That is what you meant to us then.

And it was ok with us when you, for some weird reason known only to yourself, tried to give Michael Jackson a run for the title position of The Creepiest of All, by wearing that Phantom of the Opera makeup longer than was hygienically appropriate. We didn’t have a problem with you throwing away your royal “title” and opting to become the artist known as @#$%^%^^% *(which I think you spell by holding the shift button down on the computer and typing in the 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8 number keys.)

We didn’t even blink when you traded in your angelic garb and main of heavenly hair in favor of that fucked up Carol Brady hair-don’t disaster you wore on your head and donned the Gary Glitter cast off, padded- shoulder zoot suit that the paper’s claim you wouldn’t take off even to shower, for weeks! (OK, I had a problem with that one – I officially withdrew my offer to you of my virgin anal jewelry box at that time.)

But you have betrayed us, Prince or whatever you are calling yourself these days. You have developed a full blown case of the same selfish, money-grubbing, sense of entitlement bad attitude we have to grown to know and loathe in the fatness known as Oprah Winfrey.

You have turned your back on us and figuratively broken rancid wind on the decades of continuous loyalty we have shown you by demanding we pay yet AGAIN to view and hear the same tired old music videos on You Tube. Tunage that we already paid you for at $100 per seat per concert years ago. Furthermore, we have come to realize that what we mistook for years as a melodic choir of the heavenly angels issuing forth from your mouth was never anything more than a digitally remastered studio recording of the traumatized squeals of unidentified rodents that were hidden God knows where on, or in, your digusting little body by your hordes of homosexual makeup artists and wardrode attendents.

Prince you have shown your true colors and have become nothing more than a washed up, aging, sexually disoriented degenerate who is a constant source of embarrassment to the modern music industry. No one wants to see for free, let alone pay to see, a creaky boned, effeminate aboriginal midgit, most likely suffering from a mental deficit, attempt the electric slide in decades old greasy snakeskin boot across a filthy nightclub stage floor; a nightclub that doubles by day as a crowded, non-ventilated cattle auction block. The lingering smell of farm animal poop mixed in with the scent of your nauseating Old Spice body spray that grows stronger with each painful gyration as you bust a move, or hip, in rhythmic time with your same old tired minuet crap rap from the 1980s, is enough to make ambiguously gay Richard Simmons stop sweatin’ to the oldies, stand up in church, declare himself a bonafide muff-diver and ask for female volunteers to demonstrate on.

The collective asshole of America is already so widened and stretched out from decades of the ungreased rough rump range ridin’ it daily takes from our exalted government leaders, it can’t possibly bare one more monetary irritation to it’s anus without a risking a severe hemmoroidal explosion that poses serious risk to us all.

Prince, I personally doubt you’re broke with all the songs you’ve written, bands you’ve co-produced, concerts you’ve put on and of course, You Tube music videos you are trying to resell to the same customers, well Good Luck with that.

If you are truly broke though and really need to resell your music videos here are a couple of ideas:

1. You can try the Alzheimer’s units of any skilled care facility in your area. Or since you have a posse, you can have them send salespeople to the various states to check out the local memory loss units in each. Once there you can sell your videos over and over to the same patients, providing that they like your music.

2. Open a Prince Music Mart in a backwater town of a poor state like Tennessee. From what I hear, some of the citizens of this state still think it’s the 1960’s and are currently listening to such rockers as Elvis Presley and Jerry Lee Lewis. Now again, providing they like your music, you can sell it to them and they will think you are a hot new artist.

Well Prince or should I say Roger, I hope this letter has opened your eyes up enough to convince you that maybe you should stop trying to pull the wool over ours. You used to have a public that loved your music and thought you had class.

Does the US government appear to you to be so beloved by it’s citizens that you would follow in it’s reptilian footsteps and try to squeeze the last dime out of the few of us who still have one? Just to get us to pay you again for the privilage of listening to the scriptural wisdom of such dribble as Raspberry Beret? Come on Prince, be the prince we thought you were not so long ago. Give back to those who placed you where you are today.

Sincerely,

Broke and Pissed Citizen’s of Sacramento, CA, Who Are Now Forced to Listen to Death Metal On You Tube Cuz it’s Still Free

DISCLAIMER: I LOVE PRINCE’s music. I really don’t think he’s washed up, although I was completely serious about reneging on my booty offer during his Liza Minelli meets Carol Brady hairdon’t phase; ya know the time during which Nobody Knew His Name, literally. But I am pissed that he feels the need to have people pay to listen to his music on You Tube. So much shit has been taken from us belonging wise, and added to us cost wise, what would it cost this highly talented and successful musician by giving a little free music back to us? Huh? Worst case scenario, he may have to cut down on buying weekly black mascara for awhile…Just a point to ponder…

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4 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Thinkinfyou
    May 19, 2009 @ 14:00:00

    LMAO! You are hilarious and I hope Prince reads this. I especially like the virgin anal jewelry box part.LOL!

    Reply

  2. DouglasDyer
    May 19, 2009 @ 15:02:00

    Holy shit. I gotta get me some of that pinot grigio. To paraphrase Randy Jackson, you just wrote your face off! We got a hot one!

    Reply

  3. surveygirl46
    May 19, 2009 @ 15:59:00

    TFU – Honey, I became YOU when I was writing this.

    DD – Doug, I became TFU when I was writing this. LOL

    Reply

  4. Trailer Fun Researcher
    May 19, 2009 @ 23:07:54

    Do you know I’ve never heard a prince song before that I can remember.

    Reply

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