Suddenly His English is PERFECT! – Antics of the Crazy Russian Homeless Guy

Ok, I normally don’t make it practice to pick on the homeless of any culture. Those of you who daily read my blog KNOW that it’s the senior citizens who are #1 on my First to Be Bagged On list, although the progeny of the Trailer culture is lately giving them a run for the title position.

However, there is a Russian homeless guy who has been in my face for months and has finally exceeded the credits on his annoyance daypass.

I am going to call him Uri Constantine, or UC for short. “Uri”, cause I am fairly certain he urinates publically wherever there is a wall, judging by the dribble stains on his pants, and “Constantine” to remind me that he constantly shows up wherever I happen to be and always when my humor ratio is operating at less than 100%.

I will try to make this brief. Like B.O. you can’t get rid of he’s suddenly right there, as if appearing out of no where, and for whatever reason, I am his prey of choice. The weirdest place he reared his smelly head to yell at me was at the local hospital, where Todd was admitted for over a week last November.

I have also seen him walking down the street, yelling at cars in russian and spitting at no one in particular; maybe because he’s been out of Borscht for the last year, or maybe just because America in general has failed to live up to his expectations. Who knows?

Anyway, let me set the background for you in regards to the place he waits for me the most:


This is Art’s Liquor Store – where I go to buy the items that help me remain semi-oblivious to the daily no kiss/no grease lovin’ moves put on us by our government just because they can. I don’t come here every night, probably every three days or so; I just want to grab my wine and smokes and go home. That’s when UC comes out of the shadows like a B horror flick apparition that I had no idea was hiding there – no small feat considering he’s probably about 240 lbs of smelly, screaming Ukraine resentment that should stick out like a sore thumb.

Here, I took his picture with my camera phone:

See that crowd of people and UC’s pose of rage? Well, imagine that rage directed at only ONE person, me, and you get the picture of what I have to deal with.

Anyway, the dance always goes like this: After freaking me out by materializing by osmosis, he starts out in a soft tone of voice, in a certain russian dialect, muscially pleasant unless you know what’s coming next.

Now I don’t speak russian but it sounds phonetically like this:

Yousted whatsa voyay? Smeegle yama pritkin loveetska? Vos vadanya nicoli minski recowski? He implores you with his eyes; one can almost hear the sad violins…

Since I don’t know what he’s asking I say, What?

He continues a bit more forcefully – YouSTED whatsa VOYAY? Smeegle yama PRITkin loveetska!! Vos Vadanya NicoLEI minski RECOWSKI?, and starts pointing first to me and then himself.

(The first time he did this I became frightened that he was indicating that we were married in the old country and he’s come to claim me, Thank GOD it wasn’t that)

Anyway to continue, I say Sir, I still don’t understand.

That’s when he becomes enraged and yells, BITCH, asshole CUNT, I need MONEY, CHANGE!! Do you have any you sorry asshole?!!!! This screamed in extremely understandable english.

I answer back, quite honestly by the way – I’m sorry sir, I don’t have any more money…

Then starts his even louder screaming in both russian and pidgen english:

Stupid pritkin loveetska bitch whore recowski. Whatsa voyay cunt! Lying sack of minski….

By this time I am in my 2000 mustang, engine running, window down and so I try out my russian on him – GORbechev, Rasputin, Alexandra, Alexi, Borscht, Vos Vadanya A-Hole and Fuck You TOO!

Then i peel out of there, while in my rear view mirror he is shaking a dirt covered fist at me. I am unfortunately aware that there will inevitably be a next meeting sometime this week.

Guess I better bone up on my russian….

4 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Thinkinfyou
    May 16, 2009 @ 00:31:00

    LOL! Holy shit! I don’t know what I’d do….maybe throw some soap and a toothbrush at him next time.


  2. Surveygirl46
    May 16, 2009 @ 00:35:00

    I tried that, he just spit his teeth out at me…EWWWW….


  3. The Offended Blogger
    May 16, 2009 @ 06:48:00

    Maybe if you drink more Vodka you’ll be able to understand him?

    Heck, you may even strip your own shirt off and yell obscenities. It might be fun! 🙂


  4. surveygirl46
    May 16, 2009 @ 06:56:00

    Vodka I drink on regular basis, it only makes me understand myself less and overyone else not at all, and the last time I took my shirt off and started yelling obscenities in front of Taco Bell the Manager came out and said, Sir, would you kindly move along


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