To Dye For: A Live Taping of the Infomerical From Hell

Finally it was 12:00 AM at my apartment complex.

The witching hour for normal people.

The gettin’- drunk- and -slammin’ -the -husband- or- wife- into- the -Sears A/C wall unit hootenannies that some of my neighbors had been embroiled in since about 6 pm were finally winding down for the night.

For me: Time for this accidental Vampire to take the dog out for his first poo of the day cuz finally the apartment manager had wrapped up business and was safey ensconced in her own apartment (probably talking to her husband about our date with the official eviction police).



Stealthily I crept out with Fluffy on a leash. Unless you have ever owned a pit-bull, I can’t begin to tell you how flippin’ strong and muscled they are. Quietly we sneak over to the poo section of the grounds and Fluffy does his doody.

All of a sudden I hear a cacklin’ coming from a copse of trees over the one bench in the 5 blades of grass, grassy knoll the rental agency proudly advertises in the rental mags as a “park”.

Was it Betty, apt manager extraordinaire, out for the kill? No…Turns out it was worse.



There they were – Millie, Tillie and Doris – three ancient female residents, sitting on the one bench with a pack of Carletons and a six pack of Mickey’s Big Mouth, talking about dyeing their hair; each one had a special occassion to commerorate:

Millie in a gruff ratchedy Velma from the Simpsons voice: Well, ya know, I have this new doctor and he’s kinda cute and, I don’t know, I know I’m 86 but I just want to look nice for my appointment.

Tillie with her high screechy voice: Well Sunday is my church lady’s annual potluck and I really want to have a new do’ to show all the girls.

Doris cacklin’ as usual: Hee He, I jes’ heard from my blind date Dexter, he says he reaaally goes for blondes; let’s whip out the colors we bought ladies and have a looksee.

Well that seemed kinda sweet to me. So I came out of the bushes where I had been listening and yes, spying, said hello and asked them to let me in on the fun and games of picking a shade.

That’s when they happily stopped there conversation and showed me the fun colors they were all deciding on:

Millie was going with a Sexy look.

Tillie was going with a Fun look.

And Doris, of course, was going blonde to please Dexter.

THEN I saw the ad sitting on the bench and it dawned on me what hair they were planning to dye:

“May 10, 2009 The Doctors tv show recommended pubic hair dye .

Thinking about trying bikini hair dye to heat things up this summer? Lisa Masterson from The Doctors tv show recommends betty beauty’s pubic hair dye. Each kit of pubic hair dye is ammonia free and safe to use down there.

You can now get ready for summer fun without having to spend large amounts of money on bikini waxes anymore. Now with betty beauty’s brand new hair removal cream kit READY betty, all you hair care needs can be met at betty beauty! Start your summer off the smart way and spend less money”.

Yes, the old gals knew it wasn’t hair on the head dye. Yes they were going to do it and show it off; at the doctor’s, at the picnic, to Dexter.

Fluffy and I turned and ran home as though Betty herself was after us, the ancient ones’ cackles accompanying music to my visceral nausea. My Poverty Workout marathon already completed for the next day.

OH Yeah – Don’t think the reference to BETTY was lost on me either….double EWWWWW…

6 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. itSAMEERacle
    May 14, 2009 @ 08:07:00

    oh wow…i just threw up a little…but i have to admit: doris sounds pretty hot

    Reply

  2. Thinkinfyou
    May 14, 2009 @ 12:44:00

    I knew I should have marketed that idea long ago.

    I actually wrote about this very subject in Feb.
    http://writingquietsthevoicesinmyhead.blogspot.com/2009/02/vd-gone-horribly-wrong.html

    I could have been a very rich woman. Damn it!!!

    Reply

  3. DouglasDyer
    May 14, 2009 @ 13:20:00

    I’m sending you my phone number . Give it to whichever one went with red.

    Reply

  4. surveygirl46
    May 14, 2009 @ 19:02:00

    Miracle man: I threw up ALOT writing this; you’ll have to fight Dexter for Doris sorry
    TFU- Go ahead girl! I know you can do a much better marketing job just PLEASE don’t show me the ads
    Douglas – The red wasn’t used by any of these ladys’ but I heard Pearl (the 4th crone) might be interested in joining this Pubic Education System, i’ll let you know:)

    Reply

  5. Klay Kisses
    May 15, 2009 @ 01:17:00

    I am so glad I found your blog. I needed a good laugh just now. I’ll be back! Thanks for sharing.

    Reply

  6. surveygirl46
    May 15, 2009 @ 01:19:00

    You are some welcome; it’s laughter that keeps innocent people from needlessly being run over by my 90 gallon garbage can:)

    Reply

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