Let’s Make A Deal-er: Wal*Mart Back in the Noose

Keeping Prices LOW
So You Can Get

PSST! Old Lady Wal*Mart Greeter: Know Where I Can Get Some Wal*Pot?

Back in 2006, Wal*mart Corporation publicly announced that it planned to do it’s part for the state of healthcare by “rolling back” prices on over 300 generic medications. These medications would become available to employees and customers for a measly $4 per prescription.

At the time I applauded Wal*Mart for doing a noble and selfless thing for the it’s country and it’s customers, not to mention an extremely thoughtful thing for it’s employees. I could only imagine the suicidal thought patterns and pathetic hopelessness that must daily envelope the Wal*Mart employee as he or she pulls their armpit-sweat stained blue work smock out of the dirty clothes and wearily contemplates another endless trip to hell, dealing with that freakin‘ Smiley popping up out of the blue, suddenly everywhere in the store the employee happens to be, creepy clown eyes following their every move, it’s face a pallid, unhealthy jaundiced yellow, dead but not dead – crafty looking, like it knows things.

And even worse, many times when the Wal*Mart day crew arrives, they find that Smileys already been there for hours; hanging out back in the storage area, keeping silent watch behind a pallet of Rubbermaid trashcans. Sharpening his sword on the walls. Black Zorro headband loping rakishly over one fish eye. Getting a head start on slashin‘ prices with his bloody sword. Cutting and slashing prices on objects in the store that have never been for sale and have never sported a price tag. And all this mayhem even before the deluge of angry, flabby, smelly customers storm in; both genders impossible to tell apart in their Ralph Cramden baggy shorts and knee socks, sporting greasy Rosie O’Donnell matching mulletcuts; hellbent on chaos and angrily demanding that you locate right NOW the half-priced XXL stretch pants in purple and pink that they KNOW were here two months ago. Life must SUCK for these poor workers.

So I thought it was way cool and forward thinking of the Wal*Mart Co. that they would give their employees a break on meds like Wal*Contin or Perca*Mart, anything to get them through the work day. Hell, at those prices, the employees could almost afford it! But it turns out that the Low Price Leader may have been utilizing more questionable pharmaceutical suppliers for their ware; and not one of these suppliers noted to be on the approved-vendor list hanging in the managers office.

Now, the news is reporting only that Wal*Mart might have been getting their normally stocked narcotics from these questionable sources, leading us to believe that Wal*Mart might be in hot water for who they used and not what they scored. But I’ve had a personal month long email run-in scare with Smilin’ Psycho Bob and I know what he’s all about. That smile on his ugly yellow round mug is not actually a smile, it’s more of a satanic sneer.

So that having been said, I think I have an idea of what Wal*Mart really might be dealing. Here is one suspect medication I’ve come up with so far:


That psychotic Smiley has way too much homicidal energy. Like I mentioned before, I’ve witnessed it firsthand during my email terrors of a couple months ago. (See older post)

Not only that but some of the Wal*Mart employees I’ve come across at
my local Wal*Mart are way too young to have the amount of
teeth missing that they do, without some mitigating factor coming
in to play. Come on. I know that Wal*Mart is not proactive about
making sure their employees have adequate health and dental care but
that many young people with an epidemic of missing teeth? They sell toothbrushes
and toothpaste at Wal*Mart for chrissakes. Also, this same group of
young people all share the same physical characteristics of paranoid expressions, extreme emaciation and collective heavy acne.

Next time you go into your local Low Price Leader check the workers out on the down low. You will see that it’s almost as if a giant trailer park complete with it’s citizens, landed in Wal*Mart after having been blown in by tornado from the deepest darkest Arkansas.

I will be updating this blog with more breaking Wal*Mart drug information as I uncover the real truth behind the story we are getting fed from the media. I think Smiley is a lot more involved with the inner workings of the corporation then just being Wal*Marts paid mascot/henchman. He might even be a big time drug dealer in the Cartel*Mart.

humor blog

YOU-BE-DISSED-CLAIMER: As usual, I was stretching the truth in regards to what kinds of pharmaceuticals Wal*Mart may or may not be selling for $4 a prescription. We also know that a corporation that doesn’t provide it’s employees with affordable health and dental coverage most likely won’t be providing them with any type of$4 knock-off designer narcotic on the job or off. And the last time I checked with my state senator you still couldn’t obtain street meth legally even with a prescription from Jesus Christ himself, so it’s obvious that I’m kidding in regards to the above mentioed .

However, in regards to Smiley Satan-face I meant every word. That thing is possessed and it has turned all sorts of once-decent citizens into polyester-buying, trailer-living, McDonalds-grubbing, snot nosed brat-making eternal zomboid customers of Wal*Mart who are doomed to forever roam the aisles, stalking scared, paranoid employees and insisting they locate sale items that Wal*Mart hasn’t carried in their stores for years.

humor blog


9 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. itSAMEERacle
    May 02, 2009 @ 17:40:00

    That smiley scares the sh** out of me.

    Good investigative reporting! lol


  2. Surveygirl46
    May 02, 2009 @ 18:14:00

    Thanks for your company in here, I thought I was the only one who was creeped out by ALL smileys…(that smiley scares the sh** out of my Depends:)


  3. Thinkinfyou
    May 03, 2009 @ 13:30:00

    I never trusted that smiley either. Little fucker always looked like he was hiding something to me. Thanks to you I now know what that is!


  4. Surveygirl46
    May 03, 2009 @ 14:47:00

    Thanks for confirming what I always knew that he was about…telling everyone to “have a nice day” what a crock…


  5. ettarose
    May 03, 2009 @ 15:14:00

    I am not very fond of Wal-Fart, I am really not. The smiley face used to be so innocent. Remember the 70’s? Now that Wal-Fart has staked it’s claim on him he has gone totally down hill ever since!


  6. dizzblnd
    May 03, 2009 @ 16:28:00

    That walmart smiley is up there with the burger king king in creepily

    I hate wal-fart too.. but it has become a necessity in this fudged up economy


  7. Surveygirl46
    May 03, 2009 @ 16:45:00

    What creeps me out is that they give Crappy Face a sword and let him slash things….


  8. Mr. Condescending
    May 05, 2009 @ 03:20:00

    yea almost as creepy as that burger king guy but not as much!


  9. anditsgone46
    May 05, 2009 @ 06:09:00

    Yeah, you’re right, actually the creepiest BK commercial is when that guys wakes up in bed and the BK king is there, looking at him with no expression but holding abreakfast sandwich…i think that i disturbed a lot of viewers…


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