STOOPID INFOMMERCIALS THAT MAKE ME SICK…

This is a post from when I very first started blogging… I saw this infomerical again last night, and it reminded me of why I don’t watch TV that late anymore LOL

 

INFOMMERCIALS THAT ARE TOO STUPID TO FATHOM YET THERE’S A MARKET!!??…

ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW IS:  

 

 

THIS……….

PLUS THIS……………..

PLUS EVEN THIS……

WILL NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER…..

EQUAL THIS…….

http://www.humorbloggers.com/banners.html

I was falling asleep after a glass of wine (ok – passing out after a bottle as is my evening custom) the other nite to the mindless drivel on TV; why I had it on that late (or early if you want to split hairs – 4:30 am OK????), was anyone’s guess. I had long ago given up hope of being able to find that late, anything spiritually soothing, like South Park, to help rock me to sleep in my drunken stooper. But hearing the start of something hilariously idiotic that wasn’t a spoof but should’ve been, caused me to sit up straight in a stone cold sober moment of clarity! (NO, it was’nt “I should give up drinking”, sorry)

It was the infommercial for the NEW Kymaro BodyShaper and it was claiming that all a fat woman had to do was put this on under her clothes, put said clothes back on, VOILA! instantly up to 4 INCHES of ugly fat bulges and rolls were magically smoothed away.

It was then, while hearing the claim, that I finally realized my purpose for this day/nite. I was MEANT to view it, Judge IT! and publish my insulting comments and one-sided personal views of the udder (yes pun) stoopidity, of not only the purveyors of this crap, but also the rather naive, large consumers, happily answering interview questions about their weight and body image, while being pushed and yanked until they were finally tightly trussed up into their very own personal walking body bags (toe tag NOT included).

Now, I caught on right away that the KyJOKEO Body Shaper was just a Super Long and Extra Stretchy version of the old-fashioned girdle that women had been donning since the 1940’s. Almost a badge of honor, the girdle marked a woman’s transition from firm-muscled, smooth fleshed cheerful girlhood, which always starts out with such hope! into the often decades-long final agonizing role before her death, the one called Lucky Gal! – Everything she never wanted for the rest of her days, plus absolutely free of charge – Proper husband I can’t stand, six ungrateful brats I never wanted, it’s OVER for me, shoulda screwed that fine James Dean lookalike my senior year, gonna drink whiskey starting at 10 am, gonna eat, and eat and eat and drink, gonna sit and watch TV whenever the assholes are out of the house, till its just me, my food and my fat from now on, and oh yeah, my girdle, cause, Damn, sometimes I’m going to have to stuff it in and attend those stupid family gatherings.

Now then, the part of the GyroeatMORO infommercial that made me sit up and take notice is when one light-hearted heavy gal stated gleefully that her husband just could’nt STOP taking second looks at her when she was in her new bodyshaper!! Now, you can pull the wool over the eyes of some guys about some things. “Like honey, the cat must have eaten the tv remote! I swear, have you seen it’s fangs lately? and the amount of food it’s been sneaking from the dog’s bowl? The dog is scared.. and thin! ” ..Ok, maybe hubby could buy that. But do you think for one moment that when it comes to his 400 lb wifey, who that very day had to slide with difficulty through doorways in three public places they visited, that his thoughts were of newfound lust for his suddenly slender and light-as-air goddess? The same one who had only been getting fatter since god damn Crispy Kreme opened up across the street last year?

Or more to the point, do you think his thoughts might be anchoring on where he would be standing in ratio to the position of his queen, when her KyaHOLDNOMORO Body Shaper body binding finally split open after getting tighter and tighter during a few more donut eatoramas. Those previously tightly compressed rolls and bulges suddenly springing forth at the speed of light, making wet squishy noises like an exploding vat of rotten pudding, decimating everything and everyone in it’s path, the G forces causing the weight of the subject to double in density and become a deadly unnatural disaster.

Yeah, i think that’s hitting the proverbial nail on the head…I have found that when someone keeps glancing at you and then away repeatedly they are usually pondering a confusing conundrum involving you, and sex surprisingly isn’t in the equation for once. My ex-husband did that quite often before we split.

The solution I’ve come up with is very simple in it’s design and I’ve practiced it myself most of my life…

Put the donuts, cake, pizza, lasagne, cookies, chips, small asian man, whatever down, and back away slowly….

YOUBEDISSED-CLAIMER: AS USUSAL AFTER I POST SOMETHING THAT TOTALLY MAKES ME LAUGH I REALIZE LATER THAT IT IS PROBABLY GOING TO BE CONSIDERED HIGHLY INSULTING TO SOME READERS. HOWEVER, BECAUSE OF MY NEED AND LOVE TO LAUGH AT EVERYTHING AND ANYTHING MORE THAN EVEN BREATHING, AND THE FACT THAT I HAVE LOTS OF PERSONAL STUPID GERBIL THINGS I’VE DONE AND TURNED INTO MATERIAL THAT I SPEW FORTH GLADLY ON MYSELF, I HAVE NO FEELINGS OF REMORSE IN IGNORING THE IDIOTIC POLITICALLY CORRECT DRIVEL FORCED UPON ME BY A SOCIETY THAT WANTS TO MAKE SURE THAT NO ONE EVER CRACKS A SMILE AGAIN.

BESIDES, IF YOU WERE ONE OF THOSE LADIES THAT ACTUALLY CONSENTED TO BE IN THAT HUMILIATION OF AN INFOMMERCIAL AND AGREED TO PUBLICLY WEAR ONE OF THOSE GARMENTS ON TV, THEN YOU HAVE TO KNOW HOW RIDICULOUS IT LOOKED AND HOW FUNNY IT IS FOR SOMEONE LIKE ME TO BAG ON IT.

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2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. ettarose
    Apr 18, 2009 @ 11:36:00

    I am old(er) and fat and I laughed my ass off at this one. You did an excellent job smearing this product and yes I can understand why women would want it.

    Reply

  2. Surveygirl46
    Apr 18, 2009 @ 11:51:00

    Thank girl! You have GOT to see the infommerical, of course, all the lady interviewers were thin….go figure

    Reply

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